#1
Here's another of those accursed midnight epiphanies. It seems to be where I get my best work from though. So, here it is. C4C of course.

Who Knew The Old Man Had So Much Blood In Him?

Behind the gravestone
we fucked
the earth still fresh beneath our backs
The irony probably would’ve been lost on the old bastard
“Over my dead body!” he used to scream
(he never thought we’d take it literally)

And Mum, she
took the pictures down from the
wall and burned them,
imagined herself rising with the flames.

“Please Dad; I’ll never do it again,
just don’t…”

tired,
of the screams at night
of the broken glass,
drunken words of anger
(THUMP!) of hiding under sheets
(THUMP!) and under beds
(THUMP!) praying that it will stop (THUMP!) stop (THUMP!)
STOP!!!!

who knew the old man had so much blood in him?
I can still smell it, feel
the warm flow of his life,
see it blossom along the garage floor,
collapsing on the ground, cold
like the gun in my trembling hand
like the sweat that paints my body
like the sound of metal on flesh
like the black night air,
like my mother’s hand on my shoulder,
like the lies she whispers into my ear
the wet grass beneath my skin
desperate to take refuge in the night
tears streaming down my face,
screaming for mercy,
discharging my sins into her,
each thrust cold metal against warm flesh.

They say an orgasm is like death
Last edited by kdownes at Oct 27, 2008,
#3
Great imagination, great flow, indeed vulgar and sick but very...interesting?
good work, I usually don't like that kind of lyrics but this one was good!
#6
damn lol
the imagery was just extremely sick and twisted... it definitely jumped out at me...
definitely gave me a chill too
not my cup of tea but this is a good piece
#7
A bit twisted, but interesting, and good, nonetheless... as far as crit4crit, pick one from my sig, preferably Circuit, but it's your choice...
#8
- "And Mum, she
took the pictures
down off the wall and burned them,
imagined herself rising with the flames."

- And mum, she
took the pictures down from the
wall and burned them,
imagined herself rising with the flames
- Is this better? What do you think? If you don't like it, I'll say that I wasn't overly keen on this section. It feel too disconnected from the piece and it wasn't awesome enough to hold enough ground by itself.

- "Who Knew The Old Man Had So Much Blood In Him?
Behind the gravestone," - Put a space after the title.

- "“Please Dad; I’ll never do it again,
just don’t…”" - I love the intrigue here. Even though it's an horific image, I'm still interested in what is actually happening. Great use of tension.

- "Who knew the old man had so much blood in him?
I can still smell it, feel
the warm flow of his life,
see it blossom along the garage floor,
the bar falling from his hand,
collapsing on the ground, cold
like the gun in my trembling hand
like the sweat that paints my body
like the sound of metal on flesh
like the black night air,
the wet grass beneath my skin
Screaming for mercy, discharging
my sins into her,
Each thrust cold metal against warm flesh." - I love the repetitions of the similes, but I think this could be shortenend: Not the - "like... like..." section - I'm talking about the bits before and after that. If you condense it, the huge repeated section could then stand on it's own and be more recognizable, lending it more power and prominence; which is what it deserves.

I know my critique is a bit all over the place, but I was doing it in a rush.

This was an excellent piece, but felt disconnected. It had two many breaks and didn't flow into each other that well. I'll try and return - if I remember - and explain myself better, as this is great stuff and I really enjoyed it.
Your ending was fantastic, as well.

Digitally Clean
#10
Thanks Alex. And Goldfish, I sorta see where you're coming from. I've got some time this weekend to look at it, so I'll see if I can't pick up some of the stuff you're after. Thanks both of you
#12
This is a much more solid piece than your last. I really enjoyed this. There were some lines in there that were cringe worthy... and not in the way you were going for. Like the last one for instance; that was just an unneeded image that took away from what could have been a perfectly bitter image "They say an orgasm is like death." I think if you leave that as a stand-alone last line... it adds such a bitter but vague idea. There were a few others, but that stuck out the most... and the rest were forgivable.

My main problem with this is that, you're describing killing your father... and the tone is dark; which is good... but its dark in the same way that having a supervillian read the lawn and garden section of the paper. It's dark and twisty... but a bit unemotional. I didn't really feel like someone was describing their father's death at their own hand. Seems like it should be more frantic. Also, the tone didn't carry for the sex part either. It was all a bit flat. You need some curvature to make the land not so boring here. There are plenty of crops springing up in teh field, but a flat field is still boring to look at even if its doing what you want it to do. No need to edit this, but keep in mind that sometimes the word you choose can really make the tone. Like "made love" sounds so pleasant. In this case, "we fucked" could have conveyed the same message, but in a much more bitter and "dirty" tone. Sure, argue that you are doing something he said not to with a girl he didn't like... but you do; so you ARE making love. But the girl is a sidenote here; go with what conveys the emotion. You get the idea.

You're getting better just from the last piece to this one.

-zC
#13
Thanks Zach, I've been waiting for that. Yeah, I've been debating the alst line as well, I'll get rid of it. I'd also been deabting whether or not to drop the f-bomb. I'll have another fiddle around with it, thanks for the crit.

Oh, and the name's Kyle btw. Got your PM, I'll get back to you.
Last edited by kdownes at Oct 19, 2008,
#14
The old man would’ve loved the irony,
“Over my dead body!” he used to scream,
Guess he never thought we’d take it literally.


I LOVE that. Very clever. Sick and twisted. But great.

I agree with the MadTuna that your repetition of similies would be much more effective on its own or without so much around it.

The last line would work better, IMO, if you just said "Dad" as opposed to "my Dad". It's obvious that you're talking about your dad here. It just doesn't fit right.

The mum stanza doesn't really connect. Does she know YOU killed your father? Does anyone know? When did you kill him? Why did you kill him? Why aren't you in prison?

This leaves too many questions unanswered.

there are some great lines here and has much potential. a tweak here and there and this will be a wonderful piece.
#15
Thanks Guns, that stanza is my fav too. That's actually all I had to begin with. It just sort of spawned from there. I needed a reason for the Dad to be dead, and it just came out the the son killed him. He's not in jail cause it was self-defense. His mum knows, but what I'm trying to express is the fact that no one liked him, not even his own wife. Hell, he probably beat her too. Yeah, I need to work on it a little. Anyone have any suggestions as to how I can work that in poetically without ruining the piece?
#16
Behind the gravestone,
We ****ed,
The earth still fresh beneath our backs.
The old man would’ve loved the irony,
“Over my dead body!” he used to scream,
Guess he never thought we’d take it literally.

I'd already gotten and laughed at the joke (which I thought was good, and worked very well) when he screams over my dead body. The 'guess he'd never thought we'd take it literally' is just unnecessary. It just explains a joke and brings the end of the first stanza down.

And Mum, she
took the pictures down from the
wall and burned them,
imagined herself rising with the flames.

“Please Dad; I’ll never do it again,
just don’t…”

Who knew the old man had so much blood in him?
I can still smell it, feel
the warm flow of his life,
see it blossom along the garage floor,
collapsing on the ground, cold
like the gun in my trembling hand
like the sweat that paints my body
like the sound of metal on flesh
like the black night air,
the wet grass beneath my skin
Screaming for mercy,
Discharging my sins into her,
Each thrust cold metal against warm flesh.

They say an orgasm is like death

First off, I thought this was class.

Move the last line back into the stanza, the preceding imagery and the line of its self is enough impact, you don't need to create it artificially by separating it out... when it feels like it's really just part of the penultimate stanza.

Personally i think the 'likes' are good and you should keep them.

I really did like this, I thought this was way better than the other one I read by you. I'm totally in the head of the character and really drawn in/affected by the end.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#17
Quote by kdownes
Thanks Guns, that stanza is my fav too. That's actually all I had to begin with. It just sort of spawned from there. I needed a reason for the Dad to be dead, and it just came out the the son killed him. He's not in jail cause it was self-defense. His mum knows, but what I'm trying to express is the fact that no one liked him, not even his own wife. Hell, he probably beat her too. Yeah, I need to work on it a little. Anyone have any suggestions as to how I can work that in poetically without ruining the piece?


Well I didn't even pick up on it being self defense. Or that the mom knew. Or that he was abusive.

Paint a picture of what an animal he really was. Maybe him beating the mother and you coming to her aide and him attacking you and then you kill him. Make him a dirty drunk. Make us hate him and sympathize with you for killing him. Maybe even show a some regret that you killed him and dessicrated his grave. Like you're doing it from hate and anger towards him but deep down you still do love him cause he is your dad and just show that clusterf*ck of contradtive emotions. If that makes any sense.

If you do that though, the "dad woulda loved the irony part" might not be as appropriate seeing as he's a total f*ckass. But give the dad more character. Cause now it's just like yeah, i killed my dad, mom burned sh*t, whatever.

EDIT: And I agree with meh! about the last line of the first stanza. I didn't really think much of it at first but after that being pointed out it makes a lot of sense.

(hey, and if you get the chace peep THE SAGA. thanks)
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Oct 19, 2008,