#1
I had to do a project for my creative writing class where we had to make a chapbook... for those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically something that you'd send to publishers with all of your poetry in it. So the teacher said we could take two old poems of ours, and make five new ones, but I just took ideas from my notebook and put them on paper expanding them making seven poems. I actually got into a concept idea for all of the poems. I don't usually write poetry, but this is what I came up with. Read and critique please. I'll C4C.

Quote by My Chapbook Poems
The white snow ball
Staggers down the hall way
Slammed on Valium to fight the pains
She drinks water through a syringe
And eats mush out of a spoon
But still, I think she’s content
Because she doesn’t cry
The snow is melting now
Everything is slow,
And then she’s enveloped in
e.u.p.h.o.r.i.a
It makes me realize why people
Have so many problems

Falling…
and there you are
You control me
Like the tube does the masses
I try to escape
But you tug on me
like marionette strings
I think I’ll try it… yeah, I’ll try it…

The terror of knowledge
Knowing there’s really nothing for you
In your time on this world
The pressure is building
Stressing every fabric of my existence
Till I feel I’ll stretch and decompose
Becoming slower, slower, darker, redder
Just like one that crosses the event horizon
Ignorance is bliss,
And I need my fix of it
And then everything is gone
Nothing can reach me now
I’m not on the same plane anymore
The music paints colors on the perception veil
While the television screams
“Euthanize the bear”

The change of seasons
Seem to turn the pages of my life
One chapter’s gone, and only exists in thought
I can’t reread, my eyes don’t work that way,
Maybe if we were like Billy Pilgrim
But unfortunately, that’s just a story…
My life is just a story
But I don’t think it means much to anyone
Nobody cares to open the pages
I used to have someone
But they’re gone now
I know the antagonist very well, too well
But the protagonist is becoming small
Slowly receding into one point
Till you can’t tell who it is
I can’t tell who it is

I’ve got cold feet
But I wasn’t born that way
Just seems to me like nothing’s necessary
Why should I do this for you?
What’s in it for me?
Why can’t I go outside
and look at the spiderweb stars,
admire the humble trees?
Why can’t I just watch the world pass by
and breathe beauty in?
Maybe you’re not too comfortable
With the idea that some things just are
But let me decide on my own
Quit shoving your view down my throat
Give me some room to let me breathe
But you won’t listen… no,
You’ll just keep pushing and pushing
more and more, just like a
compressor to my mind
until I’m just as
claustrophobic
as you are
in that thick
skull of
yours.

I’ll watch them pass by
With black ties and their crying eyes
Something’s happened
Some don’t know why
I had no escape
Life was a constant sigh…

I know it’s such a shame
I know what you’re thinking now
Wrong crowd, wrong choices
Maybe you’ll even blame the music I listen to
Trying to distract yourself with details
Not knowing the whole picture
What really went on,
Reality is a frightening thing
Believe me, I knew
But don’t make the mistake of denying it’s existence…
#2
UGH.. you should exercise a litte bit more of "brevity is the soul of wit".

i'm too lazy to do a critique like line by line... soool.....

LONG STORY SHORT>
i thought you could have been more creative here. i mean i like teh inspiration.

I’ve got cold feet
But I wasn’t born that way

liked that stanza.

Quit shoving your view down my throat
Give me some room to let me breathe
But you won’t listen… no,

i thought that lines like this were. a bit cliche and very... straight forward and boring.. i think you could do better thent his.

With black ties and their crying eyes

i liked this line.. it's aight.

um... yea.. thats pretty much it. in terms of pointers. i jsut feel you can be a litte bit mroe subtle or a lot more flagrant.
#3
Quote by alighieri
UGH.. you should exercise a litte bit more of "brevity is the soul of wit".

i'm too lazy to do a critique like line by line... soool.....

LONG STORY SHORT>
i thought you could have been more creative here. i mean i like teh inspiration.

I’ve got cold feet
But I wasn’t born that way

liked that stanza.

Quit shoving your view down my throat
Give me some room to let me breathe
But you won’t listen… no,

i thought that lines like this were. a bit cliche and very... straight forward and boring.. i think you could do better thent his.

With black ties and their crying eyes

i liked this line.. it's aight.

um... yea.. thats pretty much it. in terms of pointers. i jsut feel you can be a litte bit mroe subtle or a lot more flagrant.


Hmmm... I can see where you're coming from, but I wasn't trying to be clever while writing this. I just wrote it. I did change that line "Quite shoving your views down my throat, give me some room to let me breathe, but you won't listen, no..." to "Stop trying to occupy my mind." It's accomplished what I feel is necessary, but I appreciate your input.
#4
meh. lol i know what you mean you gotta do what you gotta do. school is school. just get that sh it done. son. stay in schooll.