#1
beautiful fucked me up, so she's a whore.

lobotomy sodomy.
mirror-seer
chronologically
unaffordable apology.
a missing sentimental analogy,
divided by
a sense of commoner prodigal
anatomical
sociology.

but if you look a bit closer...

the title of a piece
is like a shoe lace.

- two bunny ears
cross the loops
tie it together
and the knot
will not
come loose. -
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#2
so the beginning sounds like a medical science book, then the rest goes back to elementary school. if ur gonna perplex us with your astonishing vocabulary in a way to use imagery....stick with that. cuz i was intrigued up till u started talkin bout shoe laces....

why the hell did 52 people read this and not say anything?
#3
I must say, the point of this isn't immediately obvious to me, but maybe I just suck at interpretation. Could you explain a little what you're trying to get at?
#4
Quote by mickeyvalentine
so the beginning sounds like a medical science book, then the rest goes back to elementary school. if ur gonna perplex us with your astonishing vocabulary in a way to use imagery....stick with that. cuz i was intrigued up till u started talkin bout shoe laces....

why the hell did 52 people read this and not say anything?


i don't usually +1 08'ers, and this one is an Oct. 08 too, but i must say, +1
#5
This was utterly crap.... hehe... kidding! This was fantasticaly written. I'm not even going to bother telling you what I derived from this, it's so messed up and 'out there'.

Great stuff, mate. Keep it up, I absolutely love reading your work.
#6
Quote by mickeyvalentine
so the beginning sounds like a medical science book, then the rest goes back to elementary school. if ur gonna perplex us with your astonishing vocabulary in a way to use imagery....stick with that. cuz i was intrigued up till u started talkin bout shoe laces....


No worries, honey, you just didn't understand it

This was great as a 'yeah, that was clever *laughs*' kind of piece.

I love-ed the switch.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by mickeyvalentine
so the beginning sounds like a medical science book, then the rest goes back to elementary school. if ur gonna perplex us with your astonishing vocabulary in a way to use imagery....stick with that. cuz i was intrigued up till u started talkin bout shoe laces....

why the hell did 52 people read this and not say anything?



"astonishing vocabulary"

if you want to read some astonishing vocabulary search "sesquipedalian dreams" and read that. i thought the vocabulary choice here was appropriate and pulled off to a level only dr. otto octavius can manage within the constraints of rhyme and meter.

you are a genius of flow, and a commander of the written word. you are my master, you are my captain.
#8
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

That.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
i love the change of diction between the first stanza and then the simplicity of the last few. the one complaint i have is the lead in to the shoe lace seemed a bit blunt and out of nowhere.

"but if you look a bit closer...

the title of a piece
is like a shoe lace."

^ that part.

i think it is a bit abrupt and if you could make it a bit more subtle it would be a perfect complete piece.
nice stuff though man.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=971045
heres mine if you can say one word.
#11
the rhyme soup in the beginning was fucking lovely.
the rhymes are woven, rather than having a strict pattern.
and your use of pauses and breaks makes them pop.
but the simile didn't hit home as hard.
if you could return to more rhyme at the end
or use another device to add more style, it might be stronger.
knot/not was nice, but it just one hit like that doesn't seem enough.


still, a nice piece just as it is.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#12
thanks alot guys.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
Quote by ottoavist
beautiful fucked me up, so she's a whore.

lobotomy sodomy.
mirror-seer
chronologically
unaffordable apology.
a missing sentimental analogy,
divided by
a sense of commoner prodigal
anatomical
sociology.

This was brilliant, I don't think I have anything to say about this-the rhymes were woven eloquently. If I had to say anything even remotely negative then maybe, feel free to ignore, the word 'commoner' didn't compliment prodigal mutually, but then again... this was enjoyed.

but if you look a bit closer...

the title of a piece
is like a shoe lace.

I don't understand this but nevertheless this was powerful in its own right.

- two bunny ears
cross the loops
tie it together
and the knot
will not
come loose.

Nice ideas, they're very abstract in its own little way. I can't speak enough on this yet, I might come back later, but this was nicely done. -


Overall you're still altering your styles
#14
One of your better self-allusion pieces, out of the two that I've seen. The idea is solid and backed up by some perdy rhymes. Could have been a little more subtle with the title bit. that's the only small 'what if' I have for you today sir.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#15
Very nice. I like both parts very much but they seem like two seperate pieces to me.

The rhyming and wordplay in the first are phenominal. I really dig stuff like that.

The ananlogies in the second are quite nice as well.

But yeah, it feels like two very nice pieces stuck together just for the hell of it.

(please check out THE SAGA if you have time. thanks! )
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Oct 19, 2008,
#16
I thought I was going to comment this, but in the end I have nothing to say. It was ok. It was fun to read, and I took something from it, but it took me a lot of tries to read straight through because it just didn't pack enough direct zip to keep me (the king of ADD) interested. It was too laid back for me; which is just something personal.

I'll get to whatever you post next, my friend.