c4c leave a link, theres spanish parts, excuse the spelling in the spanish i suck at spelling it, I'll translate it in parentheses

Cuando viste el mundo feo sin tu alma (when you saw the ugly world without your soul)
when the hate overcame what you once believed
your glass of hope shattered with the outcome
y los ojos negros tuyos murieron en las piecas (and your black eyes died in the pieces)

Now girl, you got a grasp not well known to us
for the world you create is much more complex
unlike ordinary

Now girl don't escape us, you got short time
its become evident that not even light can live with us

El hijo de dios y su amor (The son of god and his love)
and what have we left but love?
Y con tus manos tenras las de el (and with your hands you will have his)
and we will both elevate above the earth
thank you for checking out my piece.
as for yours: to be honest, i didn't like this. the whole piece felt disconnected, imo. And the spanish parts just made it more confusing (even when spanish is my first language). it just felt as if you were only trying to look original or whatever. Also what's the point in having spanish parts and then putting a translation right next to it? I know that they are not actually part of the piece but still, it makes it confusing to read. if you wanted to put translations you could have put them at the end of your post. Not to mention that the spanish came from nowhere. "y los ojos negros tuyos murieron en las piecas" reads weirdly, it would be better "y tus ojos negros murieron en las piesas" or if you needed the extra sylable "y los negros ojos tuyos murieron en las piesas". Piecas as in pieces is spelled piesas (or piezas not 100% sure). Tenras should be tendras. I also didn't like the "now, girl" part, it seems like it doesn't fit the tone you had for the rest of the song/poem. Idk, it seems a bit juvenile compared to the seriousness of the piece.
Imo, you need to give the reader a bit more information so we know what exactly is it that you are talking about. What is going on? Why is this happening? etc. Sorry if i am being harsh, mate.
While I like bilingual poetry as a whole, i do agree the spanish should be used in a more structured way. If you have it the first and third lines in one stanza, keep it that way throughout. Additionally, I think that the use of vernacular (you got) contradicts your use of the eloquence of spanish (unless you are proficient enough to use matching slang in that language), and even your more serious final line about elevating above the earth.

I did like how the Spanish was used in a fairly traditional, hispanic poetic way, and I think it's an interesting idea on a whole - you seem to be meshing two personalities into one piece. Just keep workshopping, and all will be well.
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Quote by crazypeanutman

damn yertle, you got some groove
thank you and yea it was two separate pieces at first, the middle pieces that start in now girl where originally for a different piece, but i used them as lyrics for a song, and the mood changes in that part, so i felt it would work. i did it in spanish, cause i thought it up in spanish, and it sounds better in spanish, and im not amazing at Spanish, that is why i did the other parts in english. unfortunately ive been forgetting it, even thought it was my first language. xD.

I put the translations so people can now what it means, i didnt know anyother way of putting them, so i just put them there, any suggestions on a better way of putting them?

thank you for the comments.