#1
Hey guys. I just wrote this. Its definately different from anything I've ever written before. I just finished it, so it needs some work I'm sure. But here's the rough draft for you guys to tear apart. C4C


My Suicide


Verse 1:
(Song starts suddenly with lyrics and heavy guitar riff. The vocals are kind of harsh sounding, but not screaming.)

Heart beating faster
Its now or never, fight or flight
This perfect disaster
Screams echoing in the night
A violent reprocution
The bitterness held back for so many years
The silent reconstruction
Of my mind, as I resolve all my fears

Chorus: (switches to a mellow sounding guitar riff with the lyrics sung quieter, and softer than the verses.)

And I'm waiting for
That light to shine at the end of my tunnel
But every time I see it
The world around me seems to crumble
So I stand here waiting
As life goes on, hoping I'll withstand
All the pain and sorrow
As time slips through my hands

Verse: (back to the heavy guitar riff, with harsher vocals.)

Will it ever feel right again
This life of mine, I throw away
Will I ever have peace
Will it be like this day after day
Is this what I'm living for
What happened to all my dreams
I'm regretting everything
As my life is torn apart at the seams

Chorus x1

*solo 1*

(Drastic change in the rhythm at the end of the solo)

Bridge: (harsh vocals, like the verses)

This doesn't feel right anymore
Wishing for what I had before
When I lost you, my heart died
So consider this
MY SUICIDE!!! <--(screamed)

*solo 2*

*outro*
#7
I actually wrote this from the point of view of someone that is sick of their life.

The first verse is kind of like he's preparing to kill himself.

The chorus is telling how he's always waiting for things to go his way. Waiting for a reason to live.

The second verse is kind of saying that things never go right, and he's sick of it. He wants to throw his life away.

The bridge is basically saying that he lost something or someone important to him.

That's the best description I can think of. I didn't really think about it when I wrote it. Hope it helps you to understand it a little better.
#8
Quote by --LP--
Hey guys. I just wrote this. Its definately different from anything I've ever written before. I just finished it, so it needs some work I'm sure. But here's the rough draft for you guys to tear apart. C4C


My Suicide


Verse 1:
(Song starts suddenly with lyrics and heavy guitar riff. The vocals are kind of harsh sounding, but not screaming.)

Heart beating faster
Its now or never, fight or flight
This perfect disaster
Screams echoing in the night
A violent reprocution
The bitterness held back for so many years
The silent reconstruction
Of my mind, as I resolve all my fears
Pretty good. It seems like if you're going to rhyme with fears and years, you'd include something about your sorrow falling on deaf ears, but that's just my opinion.
Chorus: (switches to a mellow sounding guitar riff with the lyrics sung quieter, and softer than the verses.)

And I'm waiting for
That light to shine at the end of my tunnel
But every time I see it
The world around me seems to crumble
So I stand here waiting
As life goes on, hoping I'll withstand
All the pain and sorrow
As time slips through my hands
This is also really good. If you're saying the earth is crumbling, it seems like, keeping with the metaphor, the next line should be you falling, not you standing, but once again, this is still beyond good the way it is.
Verse: (back to the heavy guitar riff, with harsher vocals.)

Will it ever feel right again
This life of mine, I throw away
Will I ever have peace
Will it be like this day after day
Is this what I'm living for
What happened to all my dreams
I'm regretting everything
As my life is torn apart at the seams
Don't change a thing.
Chorus x1

*solo 1*

(Drastic change in the rhythm at the end of the solo)

Bridge: (harsh vocals, like the verses)

This doesn't feel right anymore
Wishing for what I had before
When I lost you, my heart died
So consider this
MY SUICIDE!!! <--(screamed)
I think it should end abruptly at "MY SUICIDE", but that's really a personal choice, on how you think the music works. It could work amazingly either way.
*solo 2*

*outro*

I may disagree with a couple of your choices, but it's really good; as is, it could be launched professionally. As far as crit4crit, it's in my sig. If you don't want to crit either of those (I think you've seen both of them), I'll add something today if I can.
#11
This only this I don't like are 1) the clack of punctuation made it a bit tricky to comprehend the lyrics, and 2) how you rhymed "...at the end of my tunnel" with "...seems to crumble".

Other than that, I liked it. I liked how you started out with (the protagonist's) heart beating faster and so on instead of just going right into the main point.

All in all, it's a decent song. Sounds to me like a hardcore/metalcore song.

If you kindly would... https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=981264
Carpe diem; Seize the day.

Just be.

Scales are notes, not shapes, boxes, or patterns.
#13
I always approach songs of such title with caution and apprehension. I’m just waiting for the “cliché’ ambush”. I actually really liked the song. Songs like this always walk a thin line between hard hitting or cheesy. I think you pulled it off and I think it would defiantly rock. Since I mentioned the “cliché ambush” I think it only fair to say I fall victim to it more than most when writing. Good Job.

C4C
Coming back for more
Kill me from the inside
#14
Verse 1:
(Song starts suddenly with lyrics and heavy guitar riff. The vocals are kind of harsh sounding, but not screaming.)

Heart beating faster
Its now or never, fight or flight
This perfect disaster
Screams echoing in the night
A violent reprocution
The bitterness held back for so many years
The silent reconstruction
Of my mind, as I resolve all my fears
To me it sounds like the first verse means all of the pain the person has suffered and all of the things pushed down. Also, I think it's pretty good, but borderlines cliche.

Chorus: (switches to a mellow sounding guitar riff with the lyrics sung quieter, and softer than the verses.)

And I'm waiting for
That light to shine at the end of my tunnel
But every time I see it
The world around me seems to crumble
So I stand here waiting
As life goes on, hoping I'll withstand
All the pain and sorrow
As time slips through my hands
Sounds as if the person is trying to push through all of the pain from the first verse and fails because everything around him always ruins it.

Verse: (back to the heavy guitar riff, with harsher vocals.)

Will it ever feel right again
This life of mine, I throw away
Will I ever have peace
Will it be like this day after day
Is this what I'm living for
What happened to all my dreams
I'm regretting everything
As my life is torn apart at the seams
As if the person questions what he is living for. Then he's realizing everything's broken. Again, borderlines cliche.

Chorus x1

*solo 1*

(Drastic change in the rhythm at the end of the solo)

Bridge: (harsh vocals, like the verses)

This doesn't feel right anymore
Wishing for what I had before
When I lost you, my heart died
So consider this
MY SUICIDE!!! <--(screamed)
This part feels like it wraps up the story as a metaphor. "So consider this MY SUICIDE" so it wraps it all up. Personally my favorite part in the song.

So I just wrote what I felt like the song conveyed. It was very good writing, but I would be a little bit careful because it feels like a borderline cliched grunge/emo song. Very very very good though. Kudos.
Quote by Ponyexpress
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MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
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#17
i think it is great the way it is everything fits in a weird way and still has a off beat rythem the somehow fits. its new and i love it
#19
I was not a fan of this piece. The whole way through it just felt so immature and so forced and dishonest. I do, though, like the last couplet.
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#20
As I was reading this song, I somehow created a melody in my head to go along with it and it rocked! I like it!
#21
Quote by --LP--
Hi. I have read the rules. Could you please explain which one I'm breaking?


You had three pieces posted in the space of two days - I think that is too many - and another of your threads had also been brought back up to the front, which meant you had four threads active on the first page. The admins didn't notice it though, so maybe I made a mistake, or maybe it doesn't matter anymore because your other posts have fell back to the fore.

#23
Ps, maybe if this was supposed to be a britney spears hit it would not be cheesy, just the fact you're an LP fan and this is meant to be a metal song make it cliché. sorry.
#24
Quote by AngryGoldfish
You had three pieces posted in the space of two days - I think that is too many - and another of your threads had also been brought back up to the front, which meant you had four threads active on the first page. The admins didn't notice it though, so maybe I made a mistake, or maybe it doesn't matter anymore because your other posts have fell back to the fore.



Ohh. I see. I didn't have 3 within two days though. If you check the dates, I always have a miximum of 2 in two days, and wait six days after that before posting a new one. And I'm sorry for hogging the first page. I can't control when people post in my old threads. I have my songs up so people can comment on them, I just didn't know they would comment on more than one at a time. I'm going to try to make sure that I don't have more than one or two pieces on the front page at a time. I also heard about the old rule of only thanking people for crits three times in one thread. Which I don't see anymore, so I'm assuming that rule is no longer in effect, but I will be reasonable. Again, I apologise for the inconvenience.
#25
It was my mistake, don't say sorry. I must of read the dates wrong. I only checked 'cause I noticed all your threads on the first page. There is nothing you can do about that though, it's just the way the cookie crumbles. Sorry for hassling you.