#1
You're a labyrinth of mazes
amazes me from head-to-toe,
forms reactions in chemical equations
speed cheat memorized on a strip sheet of white
dining paper.

I can't look into these eyes,
these owl eyes, this overbearing disguise,
looking deep deep deep in a river of joke,
happiness.
Forty-second frowining monster drowining in an oasis
of Tommy-guns.

coping with this problem is like twisting the legs
off of a foreign giraffe that won't bite
but morph into a stolen piece of artifact
(that I borrowed from you last summer) but you stole
it away from me you stole my thunder now all is lost in the dim heat.

Thirty-second sweating master choking under the anxiety
of blaring lights. Hear my plea then,
keep it that way.

Eyes don't know where to go during walking.

Controlled impulses to electrical shocks;
stolen artifacts from dreamy giraffes-
what more can there be?
growling mess of a dog.

There, standing in line, is a store-bought magazine
ghastly image of a human pinky wavering on the cover,
"Promise me, you'll never leave," staring down the sights
of a stolen highway car, long neck giraffes sticking out from the sidewalk
windshield broken glass cases of consumed alcohol you wish you had.

The Farmer chokes fulfilling his destiny.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#2
Quote by Laces Out Danny
You're a labyrinth of mazes
amazes me from head-to-toe,
forms reactions in chemical equations
speed cheat memorized on a strip sheet of white
dining paper.

The "speed cheat" line didn't feel necessary here; I think this works well without it, very much. But really this was very good. It had the instant appeal that, simply, made me want to continue. The first two lines were magic, the way they entwined subsequently.

I can't look into these eyes,
these owl eyes, this overbearing disguise,
looking deep deep deep in a river of joke,
happiness.
Forty-second frowining monster drowining in an oasis
of Tommy-guns.

This was good but there were place that didn't really hit me, an example would be the third line; the wordings didn't complement each other. BTW was frowning and drowning intentionally misspelled?

coping with this problem is like twisting the legs
off of a foreign giraffe that won't bite
but morph into a stolen piece of artifact
(that I borrowed from you last summer) but you stole
it away from me you stole my thunder now all is lost in the dim heat.

I wasn't a fan of some of the line breaks, it didn't emphasis any technical flow. This needs to be punctuated and I can see a couple of places where caesura should be added. That final line needs to be line broken, maybe after "me" and again after "now".

Thirty-second sweating master choking under the anxiety
of blaring lights. Hear my plea then,
keep it that way.


Eyes don't know where to go during walking.

nicely done

Controlled impulses to electrical shocks;
stolen artifacts from dreamy giraffes-
what more can there be?
growling mess of a dog.

That question mark should be replaced with a comma; the full-stop after dog should be where the question mark is. Apart from that this was awesome.

There, standing in line, is a store-bought magazine
ghastly image of a human pinky wavering on the cover,
"Promise me, you'll never leave," staring down the sights
of a stolen highway car, long neck giraffes sticking out from the sidewalk
windshield broken glass cases of consumed alcohol you wish you had.

The Farmer chokes fulfilling his destiny.

This was wonderful, I loved the execution and I love your sense of control. The abstractness was interesting and had me wondering what the pinky could symbolise. The last two lines were brilliant and felt, almost, effortless


This was a great read.
#4
I actually liked the fact that it wasn't about a real giraffe. The metapho is nice. I think what lets you down the most in this piece, apart from some weak wording and word choice, is the line breaks. They really mess around with the flow. There are places where it just seems to cut and change. Some lines are too short, others are too long. Apart from that, no major complaints. A rather enjoyable piece
#5
i love it!
Quote by Guitar0player
You're Thurstonsexual

Happily E-Married to En_zed
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing that it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
-- Arthur Honegger

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