#1
My song -- Romance can be murder --

Oh you stars of mine
Why do you refuse to shine
cant explain the love of mine
Cant turn the hands of time

Free fall forever
We'll never be together
You can lead my slow
Through the rain
Through the snow

Everything ends
Everything dies
(except my love for you)

We can watch the nightshade grow
We can love the falling snow
Forget tonight, black swans fly together
I could love you forever!

The stage is set for our theatre of sorrow

I left a charcoal flower upon your grave
the sky bled with my sorrow
A trail of tears led me away
And down a road from tomorrow
Raise your chalice my brother
Raise it high
To catch the fire that falls from the sky
#2
My song -- Romance can be murder --

Oh you stars of mine
Why do you refuse to shine
cant explain the love of mine
Cant turn the hands of time

vary the rhyming please

Free fall forever
We'll never be together
You can lead my slow
Through the rain
Through the snow

again generic rhyming.also i think that 'my' should be me

Everything ends
Everything dies
(except my love for you)

never heard that before


We can watch the nightshade grow
We can love the falling snow
Forget tonight, black swans fly together
I could love you forever!

it was great until the last line which ruined it with its cheesiness.its also too much of an antithesis to the rest of the verse imo to work

The stage is set for our theatre of sorrow

I left a charcoal flower upon your grave
the sky bled with my sorrow
A trail of tears led me away
And down a road from tomorrow

nothing wrong here


theres some good stuff in it but its ruined by a few major flaws.it has potential to be a great song if you re write it

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=980430
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Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial