#1
This is supposed to be to a rhythm similar to the The Offsprings "The Kids Aren't Alright". I'll do crit4crit. I'm making up a couple parts as I sit here, but most of it's already written out. It's a little blunt, which I haven't always been good at, but I think it turned out okay.

[Fast lyrics and rifs]
Friday night he locked himself in his room,
the world just had him so confused!

He thinks it might be love but he can't decide,
a block away she just commited suicide.

He'll hate himself for missing the warnings,
but he won't find out til monday morning!

[Slower, holding out last word of each line]

I know,
that in your pain;
you are struggling,
to stay sane!

It's not your fault,
how could you know;
you barely knew her,
and she'd go.

[Faster again]
Why she did it, it's a mystery,
but now he thinks through her history.

Maybe her dad's beating got to her head,
maybe her mom's addiction is what led;

To the slash on her throat, two on her wrist,
among a few hundred older ones that they missed.

[Slower again]
I know you're slipping,
just don't let go!
I know you're barely holding,
and it's a slippery slope.

I know it hurts,
I know the wrath,
just never follow,
in her path!

[Faster again]
This could not have turned out worse,
his body carries cuts, matching hers.

Sounds something like Shakespear,
although the point is so unclear.

He had to follow, he thought it was right,
his logic just couldn't put up a fight.

[Slower yet again]
I know you thought,
she needed you,
no matter what side,
she's going to!

But you had so much,
life to live,
even if it's,
yours to give!
#3
Quote by --LP--
That ties in with my song. Lol
Pretty good writing. I'll do a more detailed crit later. I'm on the road right now.

You're using a labtop, or what...?
#4
Quote by herby190
You're using a labtop, or what...?


I'm using my new phone right now. It a tmobile sidekick. It has a web browser. I'm about to play a gig in about 15 minutes. But, I have this page bookmarked, so I will definately be doing a more detailed crit for you. Just give me a bit. It might be a couple of days. My weekends are busy.
#5
Quote by --LP--
I'm using my new phone right now. It a tmobile sidekick. It has a web browser. I'm about to play a gig in about 15 minutes. But, I have this page bookmarked, so I will definately be doing a more detailed crit for you. Just give me a bit. It might be a couple of days. My weekends are busy.

Oh. O.k. It's odd actually you think your song fits mine, and I was actually starting a song called My Second Suicide...
#6
[Fast lyrics and rifs]
Friday night he locked himself in his room,
the world just had him so confused!

He thinks it might be love but he can't decide,
a block away she just commited suicide.

He'll hate himself for missing the warnings,
but he won't find out til monday morning!

I really like this. It paints the scene for the song beautifully. I wouldn't change anything.
[Slower, holding out last word of each line]

I know,
that in your pain;
you are struggling,
to stay sane!

It's not your fault,
how could you know;
you barely knew her,
and she'd go.

The only thing I don't like here, is the last line. "And she'd go" it just doesn't seem right to me. I'd change it to "its not your fault, you've done nothing wrong, you barely knew her, and now she's gone" but that's just what I'd do. It think its still pretty good the way it is.
[Faster again]
Why she did it, it's a mystery,
but now he thinks through her history.

Maybe her dad's beating got to her head,
maybe her mom's addiction is what led;

To the slash on her throat, two on her wrist,
among a few hundred older ones that they missed.

nice! I love the last two lines. They're quite creative. Again, this part paints a nice picture of what was going on.
[Slower again]
I know you're slipping,
just don't let go!
I know you're barely holding,
and it's a slippery slope.

this seems like you definately forced the rhyme. It doesn't seem to roll off the tongue as easy as the rest of the song. I think its because you used slipping and slippery so close together. I'd change that.
I know it hurts,
I know the wrath,
just never follow,
in her path!

this parts fine. I'd keep it the same.
[Faster again]
This could not have turned out worse,
his body carries cuts, matching hers.

Sounds something like Shakespear,
although the point is so unclear.

He had to follow, he thought it was right,
his logic just couldn't put up a fight.

this seems to me like a bridge. Changes from telling her story, to telling his.
[Slower yet again]
I know you thought,
she needed you,
no matter what side,
she's going to!

But you had so much,
life to live,
even if it's,
yours to give!
-----------------------------------
overall, I liked it. There were a couple of parts I would change, but nothing too serious. The writing was good. I think its kind of funny how you could put your song on a cd, and have my song right after it, and people would think it was a continuation. Lol

Thanks for the crit on my song.
#7
Thanks for the crit. You gave pretty good advice, and if I do get a chance to use this song, I'll definatly follow your advice.
#8
Very very very good. I really liked it. I think that you should extend on the guys part of the story and make the whole song into the tragedy of two figures and how their stories intertwine with each other. But very very very good.
Quote by Ponyexpress
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MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]