#1
you know, i want to send you a text message asking you, you know, if you want to, you know, go on a walk tonight, right now. Through this campus at night a virus spreads fierce, to settle down with those we're close to, and love them, you know, love them like friends after death. who are you? if i met you, you know, alone under that flickering streetlight, that sensual strobe, what would i tell you, what would i ask you. how often have you been told you are beautiful. you know, a lot or a little. should i tell you that? you know, should I ask you that?

Holds your hands limp, pink pale-y in mine, poke eachother like porcupine, wake us up from, you know, how tight the midnight mist holds our brains. turning in our head, like a fourteen year old dog spreading straw, you know, weak and close to something. safe. ready to call and declare "hi! my name is Dylan! I'm not busy now! the moon is briiiight now! can you send yourself out to play. would it be okay if i took your hand, we run run run, fun gun shot bang bang"

kkkkkkkkiss? would that be, you know, bbbbbbbbeautiful?

sweetness on your breath,
under your chest something moves faster
when i bring my hand closer
and that's why
i'll always be in your mirror.

goddamn i-
#2
Okay, I'm not going to do a full crit, just a list of my comments.

One: the constant "you know"s annoy the shit out of me. But maybe that was your intention. Not only did it screw with the flow, but it kept interjected while I was trying to read.

Two: There's nothing incredibly special or original about this. It's a shy, dorky kid trying to muster up the courage to ask a girl out. Sure, you've thrown in some bizarre imagery, creating just the right vibe of "wtf"ism, but it really does nothing for me.

THe one thing I did like was the fourth stanza, I thought that was particularly beautiful. Maybe if the whole piece was like that. But then again, maybe that awkward annoying prose is what you're going for.
#3
That is real hard to read to be honest. And as the poster above you said. Try to stay away from You know as much as possible as it's very hard to make it sound clever, emotional or fit in a song.

The last part is nice. Write everything in that manner and it'll be a beatiful piece.
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#4
Meh. This was just alright sir.

I liked your posts in the idea thread x100 more.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
I love it because it expresses vulnerability so well. However it is difficult to read because it's like stop-and-go traffic. I'm not sure what else to say, I get the impression this wasn't written with an audience in mind.
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#6
really? I thought after the first line the flow was pretty good. I really actually quite like it as a spoken word piece. That said, chantal is definitely correct in the fact that this wasnt written with any audience in mind beside the notebook so I probably shouldnt have posted. oh well.

note to readers: read the i and you as the same person.

<3 to all of your for your comments. I'll return soon enough.
#7
It works okay as a spoken word piece, I suppose (just depends on how you say it). Definetly better than way than it would be read straight (which I haven't done, yet). There are some lovely parts in here, especially 'something moves faster when I bring my hand closer', but it's not particularly stand outish. It's nice, though. Damned nice. Nice in a good way.

I'd love a lil look at a piece of mine. Any. Take yer pick if you have the time
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Not my thing. This felt like a metaphorical headache to me. I'll get your next one better. I promise.
This is not a pipe
#10
I saw where you were going with this and I like the idea. I just didn't particularly enjoy the way it was presented.

I undertand being shy and a bit akward when trying to ask out a pretty girl but I truly wanted to smack this kid, give him a swirlie and take his milk money. I mean he came off a little p*ssy puppy dog bitch. If that's what you were going for you freakin' nailed it. Kinda staklerish too, "I'll always be in your mirror", "I'll meet you alone under a flikering streetlight", "gun shot bang bnag"? Nothing will creep a pretty girl out any faster. The "you knows" were quite annoying too. Hate to be harsh man but I've seen much better from you on here (plus you owe me crits so I'm venting my frustrations a little ).

There were some good moments in there though. Some nice internal rhyming and imagery which I think was slightly overdone (the imagery part). I'd of liked you to focus more on, I don't know, why this kid feels the way he does. Maybe focus more on how he's akward and how he knows he's akward but if she really knew him she'd see how great he is. It's okay to be akward...but this kid was just a total creep.

(Peep "The Saga" when you have the chance. And hell, you STILL have yet to return to "honk if you love piece and quiet" and tear it to shreds like you promised! )