#1
I just finished my first draft. I haven't even read it over yet, so I'm sure there are some mistakes and weak points. Thanks to anyone that helps.

EDIT: For some reason, the indentations for each paragraph don't show on UG, but I assure you, they exist.

Has the United States abandoned true democracy?

Can the United States government truly be called a democracy when it is purely based on the manipulation of its own citizens? Our current political state has prompted this question, and the answer may not be a favorable one. Elected officials and other political dignitaries have for too long used deception and trickery in order to carry out their agendas without dissent. Their tactics include fear, bribery, and appeals to religion, prejudice, and other elements that have deep roots in American culture. It is troubling to think of, but the question must be asked: Does this select group make all the decisions in the country?
Ask the average American, and they will probably know that Barack Obama’s middle name is Hussein and that Sarah Palin’s seventeen-year-old daughter is pregnant out of wedlock. Ask the same person about either candidate’s policies, and you are likely to get a blank stare in response. Why is this? Through our culture, Americans have been conditioned to care about certain things. Campaign planners and other political people of influence have taken advantage of this. To take focus away from real issues, emphasis is put on personal matters. To go back to an earlier example, there was huge controversy about Barack Obama’s name, religion, and ethnicity. Many saddening attempts were made to use the prejudice embedded in American culture to hurt Obama’s campaign. Repeatedly, the media pointed out that “Obama” was similar to “Osama” and that Barack’s middle name, Hussein, was the same as the last name of the former Iraqi dictator. These associations are truly nonsensical. Using this logic, one may link Ronald Wilson Reagan with famous train robber Charles Wilson or murderer Donald Neilson. However, this stuck with the American people and led to accusations of Obama being a “secret Muslim” or somehow being anti-American. Of course, this is all false. But now, many Americans see Obama as “un-American” and radical. This goes to show that political culture in the United States is so pathetic that millions of opinions can be changed without a single word about real issues.
Lobbying. It doesn’t sound like an ugly word, but this is a misleading name for a dishonorable activity. Perhaps a better designation would be “legitimized corruption”. It wasn’t always this way. Lobbying started with citizens practicing their first amendment right to petition. However, it has evolved into an appalling shell of its former self. There are still a few people who practice lobbying as it was originally intended, but the bulk of participants are in a different category. These lobbyists use bribery and other strategies to influence lawmakers. The implications of this are devastating to anyone concerned with the state of democracy in the United States. As a result of lobbying, laws are changed to cater to special interest groups, not the best interest of the people as a whole.
Fear is another major factor in the manipulation of the American people. “Terrorism” and “National Security” have become much more commonly used words in recent years. Although the media and government put much emphasis on it, only about 68 Americans a year die from terrorist activities. Peanut allergies kill considerably more people, yet no one mentions that on a national level, because doesn’t help control the masses. A glaring example is the war in Iraq: Saddam Hussein supposedly had nuclear weapons and links to Al-Qaeda, so the United States invaded Iraq. Neither of these allegations turned out to be true, but the people had already been fooled. The government took many Americans’ predispositions about Islam and terrorism and projected them on Iraq. Why? There was profit to be had. Vice President Dick Cheney’s company, Halliburton, and its subsidiary, KBR, were hired in a no-bid contract to “rebuild” Iraq. Blackwater Security, CACI International, and Titan were also hired to help. It has been proven that these companies have over-billed the government and done substandard, and in some cases, unethical work with no consequences. Other motives for invasion are the vast oil reserves in Iraq and a new economic “colony” of sorts for the United States. It is just one of many examples of how scare tactics have helped in destroying American democracy.
Voting in the United States may simply be a vestige of a better time. Through the methods mentioned above, American democracy has all but vanished. The American people need to wake up. They need to see that they are being deceived. Then, and only then, will the will of the people truly govern our nation.
#2
I saw the words "democracy" and "america" and immediately stopped reading.

EDIT: you might want to paragraph more.
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#5
Quote by hardrock1315
You really didn't read it at all, did you?


Nope, but I did offer criticism since you were looking for it. In fact, I answered your question. No, America can not be called a democracy (It's a Republic).
#6
Quote by shaquille
Nope, but I did offer criticism since you were looking for it. In fact, I answered your question. No, America can not be called a democracy (It's a Republic).

Thanks, I totally didn't know that.

#7
I didn't read through it all, but from what I did read through, it sounded pretty good.
#8
Quote by hardrock1315
Thanks, I totally didn't know that.



You might have to change that attention getter, though. Everyone with a whole brain knows America is not a democracy, especially when our country tries to force democracy on other countries (Isn't that an oxymoron? Forcing democracy?).
#9
Quote by shaquille
You might have to change that attention getter, though. Everyone with a whole brain knows America is not a democracy, especially when our country tries to force democracy on other countries (Isn't that an oxymoron? Forcing democracy?).


Actually I missed the attention getter. DO NOT use a question statement that can be answered with a yes or no for a hook.
#11
Quote by shaquille
You might have to change that attention getter, though. Everyone with a whole brain knows America is not a democracy, especially when our country tries to force democracy on other countries (Isn't that an oxymoron? Forcing democracy?).

Okay, sorry, I thought you were just being an asshole.

The United States still calls itself a democracy, though.

ttreat31, could you please elaborate?
#12
That's a really short essay.
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#13
Quote by hardrock1315
ttreat31, could you please elaborate?


Your attention-getter/hook is "Can the United States government truly be called a democracy when it is purely based on the manipulation of its own citizens?" The reader can answer this question with a simple yes or no. Try to avoid rhetorical questions when it comes to hook statements. Rather, use a statement that will confuse the reader or otherwise make them want to continue reading. Perhaps a statement like "The United States government is not a democracy." That is a controversial statement that will make the reader question why, and they will continue reading your evidence as to why.
#14
Quote by TS
Critcize my college essay!

It sucks.


olol

In all seriousness though, use a bit more detail. YOU HAVE TO P.E.E!!!
Point
Evidence
Explanation

#15
Quote by Sixp0under
Point
Evidence
Explanation



Claim
Context
Evidence
Warrant
#16
Needs to be longer for a college essay but i didn't read, it's probably alright though.
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#17
A republic is really like a form of democracy.

Also it isn't a true democracy so those in power choose to go to war. Whether or not you feel it was under false assumptions doesn't really effect the government in any way. It is not like you were told you would get 100 dollars if you voted yes then got to vote and didn't get your money. The people had nothing to do with the choice it is the elected people who decide.
Last edited by PureRockNRoll at Oct 18, 2008,
#18
you state many things as facts that aren't proven and you (obviously, as it's not proven) don't have any evidence to back them up.
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#19
Quote by untalented
you state many things as facts that aren't proven and you
(obviously, as it's not proven) don't have any evidence to back them up.


This is true. I don't think you have any sources cited in-text either.