#1

You Make Me Wanna

made this up as i went...some help or suggestions would be very nice...this is my first peice so remeber that..I'm only 13 btw..aware that it sounds like a radio pop song. thanks for the input
edit: i no the verse/chorus sounds like the same,any suggestions?


You make me wanna feel..
you make me feel right,you make me wanna kill my self,
in the night
you make me wanna fight,
with you
You make me wanna bite you,
like a dog


CHORUS: You make me wanna feel dead
You make me wanna lie
that i wanna die
You make me wanna...


Verse 2
you make me wanna ???

Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
Last edited by nowa90 at Oct 21, 2008,
#3
It's good that you're getting started on this kind of stuff. Keep workin' on it. Try to stay away from cliche lines.
E-married to ilikepirates

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#4
You've pretty much chosen the hardest path to write a song. With starting every single sentence with the same lines.

Not to flame you but I'd assume you haven't written very much before and I'd say that it's a very very hard thing to do. But some lines are pretty clever in it's simpleness.

Sorry if I came of as a dick, wasn't my intention. Good to see you try though but it's a very hard structure to follow.
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#5
Quote by JohnnyGenzale
You've pretty much chosen the hardest path to write a song. With starting every single sentence with the same lines.

Not to flame you but I'd assume you haven't written very much before and I'd say that it's a very very hard thing to do. But some lines are pretty clever in it's simpleness.

Sorry if I came of as a dick, wasn't my intention. Good to see you try though but it's a very hard structure to follow.
no,u weren't a dick really,constructive criticism , im aware it sucks pretty sure, but can someone suggest me some lines? thanks for the crits
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
#6
Quote by nowa90
no,u weren't a dick really,constructive criticism , im aware it sucks pretty sure, but can someone suggest me some lines? thanks for the crits



Try to sit away from your writings for a bit or just go for a stroll outside. Think about the lyrics and it'll usually pop up some nice lines or phrases. Try not to focus on getting forward. Let it develope by it self.


Can't suggest any lines as that wouldn't be fair as it's your lyrics but just keep trying. Good luck.
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#7
Quote by JohnnyGenzale
Try to sit away from your writings for a bit or just go for a stroll outside. Think about the lyrics and it'll usually pop up some nice lines or phrases. Try not to focus on getting forward. Let it develope by it self.


Can't suggest any lines as that wouldn't be fair as it's your lyrics but just keep trying. Good luck.

well i thought of it as i was watching t.v. and drawing,so...and its 8 here (already dark) and i thought of those lines as i was drawing so....any topics i should try writing about?
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
#8
Quote by nowa90
well i thought of it as i was watching t.v. and drawing,so...and its 8 here (already dark) and i thought of those lines as i was drawing so....any topics i should try writing about?



Hm. You should just write about what you feel like putting in there. Sure it might get cliché or whatever but you'll know that it's your piece. As long as you can relate and you put your own feelings in it it can't really be asked more. I'm very uncomfortable about telling WHAT to write about but just try to keep up in the same manner. Try to write some more and I'll see if I can come up with something more.
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#12
Umm, I don't know what to say. It has a long way to go. Put a lot more thought into it, add some sparkle, and then post it again.

Tip: Try to limit starting lines with the same words like "You make me wanna...". It can be creative and nice, but then again it can just be painful to read.

As it is right now, it sounds like the bridge to a song Chester (from Linkin Park) wrote when he was 11.
Carpe diem; Seize the day.

Just be.

Scales are notes, not shapes, boxes, or patterns.
#13
i edited the post,check the botttom of my first one
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
#15
My first step for this song would be to step away from the "verse/chorus" thing you have going on. As you said, they do sound very similar. The chorus should be a bit of a change of pace, rather than a repetition of the verse (of course, you can also do this musically).

A song you might want to check out is Affirmation by Savage Garden. Yeah, Savage Garden. It's not a great song, but it uses the technique you're using (every line starts off with "I believe..."). The chorus is more of a general "views on life" type of deal, while the verses deal with more specific things. Again, by no means am I saying that this song is great musically or lyrically, but it's a poppy song and you seem to be going after the same lyrical idea.

Other than checking that song out, I'd try to incorporate your current chorus into a different verse and then try to come up with a different chorus.

Do you have music to go along with this? To me it seems like the lyrics don't flow too well (I realize it's very rough and you're not done yet), but sometimes it only looks like that because they fit in with the music.

This person makes you angry in some way, I'm guessing? (Or at least, makes the character in your song feel that way) Especially if this is based on your own life, try to make a list of all the things this person makes you feel like/makes you want to do without thinking about how it would fit into a song.

i.e.
- You make me so angry I want to hit you
- You make me feel confused with the way you act
- You make me want to run away to/from this city (or whatever)
- You make me happy because I'm an optimistic person with sunny views on life and so are you, and we're great together and I love you

lol at the last one. Doesn't really seem to fit into your song...

But anyway, I think you get the idea. The examples I listed above are pretty cliche; try to list things that are really relevant to you. Then, when you put them into a song, you can make them a bit more general (although try to stay away from really cliched stuff) so that more people can relate to the lyrics.
#16
It really wasnt awful and its great that you're starting to write songs at 13. The problem that I had with this peice is there isnt very much depth to it. Not that you have to go over the top flowery to be a great writer but you do need to make the reader/listener feel as though you're sharing something with them as opposed to just saying some stuff that pops into your head. Just write about what matters to you most, write out odd thoughts that pop into your head on bits of paper and when you've got a few work through and see what you can put together. Paul Heaton is a pop songwriter and he writes some of the best lyrics around in this way. Dont worry about cliche either, if you write something that matters to you it doesnt matter if its been said before.

check mine out? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=983690
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
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#17
Hmm, a little to popish straight made for radio sounding to me. I know you said that but I think it's important to write what you feel and not what other people want to hear. Create your own sound and get your own followers.
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