#1
This is a piece I wrote now that more or less descibes my feelings pretty much...
Sorry if it's either crap or just too sad.


Don’t you understand that every time I look at you I despice you more and more
There’s no way you can restore the high price I paid
But they tell me to ignore it, every thing around
They know as well as me, that’s not gonna happen
I just creep deeper in myself and grow a stronger hate

My bitterness is a tender thing, a long developed thing
That I can’t help, that I don’t want but that I have to wear
All roads I walk I find darker things
They obstacles are evil means and things to say to you
Every single corridor, is filled with endless darkness

I need help to open up my heart, to clear out what I feel
But how to start it off, I have no sense for right and wrong
I have the ability to hate things in every man
And to badmouth everyone that ever crossed my path

Christ can’t be happy now, the black sheep’s here and it is me
I can not love another human being for his thoughts
What I care about is lost and what I want is gone
Now what I respect is nothing worth achieve
Cause I’m not a happy human being
and I’m sure that you are better off without me

I am well aware, that the vacuum in my heart
Is that place you once had, gone quickly as a summer rain.
You came and then you left, just as most things in my life
I’ve learned to understand, that sadness is my true color
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#3
Quote by AcousticSlayer
Deep...


In a good or bad sense?
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#4
nice..better then mine lol
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
#5
Quote by JohnnyGenzale
This is a piece I wrote now that more or less descibes my feelings pretty much...
Sorry if it's either crap or just too sad.


Don’t you understand that every time I look at you I despice you more and more
There’s no way you can restore the high price I paid
But they tell me to ignore it, every thing around
They know as well as me, that’s not gonna happen
I just creep deeper in myself and grow a stronger hate

You could have made this shorter, its not crap, but its overdone. you definetely could have shortened this up and used words that would strike more.

My bitterness is a tender thing, a long developed thing
That I can’t help, that I don’t want but that I have to wear
All roads I walk I find darker things
They obstacles are evil means and things to say to you
Every single corridor, is filled with endless darkness

The "Evil means" thing is a bit childish in my opinion, but overall the verse is good, but overflowing with cheese if you know what I mean.

I need help to open up my heart, to clear out what I feel
But how to start it off, I have no sense for right and wrong
I have the ability to hate things in every man
And to badmouth everyone that ever crossed my path

Oh man, I can relate to that right there, but I still think its a bit overdone, can be done a bit sweeter if that's the right word.

Christ can’t be happy now, the black sheep’s here and it is me
I can not love another human being for his thoughts
What I care about is lost and what I want is gone
Now what I respect is nothing worth achieve
Cause I’m not a happy human being
and I’m sure that you are better off without me

That's a bit emo, I dont like this verse, it sounds a bit suicidal, especially the last line, but I do like the first line though, "Christ can't be happy now" that's a great line.

I am well aware, that the vacuum in my heart
Is that place you once had, gone quickly as a summer rain.
You came and then you left, just as most things in my life
I’ve learned to understand, that sadness is my true color

Oh dude see what I mean? There's some really good lines, very poetically done and very well executed, that's what the rest of the song should have been done like.




I'm feeling the same right now...a little bit. There's my crit
#6
IMO, it is way too drawn out and blunt. I understand if this is a rough draft, but I would go over it and put more thought into it.

Aside from that, and I apologize if my opening seemed a bit harsh, I did like some of the ideas in it. For example,

"My bitterness is a tender thing, a long developed thing
That I can’t help, that I don’t want but that I have to wear"

kind of stuck out to me.

The last stanza was my favorite, I guess because it offered more to the rest than what was already there. I would develope that more, whether it's about a break-up, or a broken family growing up. I would focus more on that and then add what you feel as more of a supplement to the piece, if you understand what I'm getting at. Try to express your feelings rather than just state them.

Again, I'm not putting this song/poem down, but it's screaming to be revised.

Please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=981264
Carpe diem; Seize the day.

Just be.

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