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#1
Hi.

So, for the longest time it's bothered me that we don't have a place where people can drop in and post a single line or an idea for a piece, and have others say... "Yeah, that's worth working with" or politely note "I don't think its worth working on mate." I often start pieces with a single line in my head, and just as often I'm unsure whether the line I'm building my piece around only sounds good in my head, or if it sounds good elsewhere.

So, rules:
  • Feel free to post a line or small section you want to know if you should (according to others) continue to pursue.
  • Don't take other opinions as the see all, end all, I know this shouldn't need to be said; but if one person drops in and says "Oh dear lord no." but you still want to go for it. Write.
  • Please limit responses to others. Make it short, and not a critique of the line... but just a "I liked." "I didn't like" "I think it could work well" etc. If you want full critiques, post the piece in the main S&L forum.
  • Please quote whatever line/idea you are responding to, just to keep it remotely sane in here.


Start building
#2
Haha, I have many of these. You didn't say anything about posting more than one, so here you go... but if you don't want this, I'll delete 'em

illuminaughty smiles

and

a note from the managment

and

the revolutionary conditions as a future position

and

the whole room's an arsonist screaming "Glory be to God for dappled things"
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Seems fair enough
I'll see if I can fit it into a song, but I won't base a song around it
#8
That sounds pretty good, what's the context though?
might make a bit more sense to me then
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#9
I could use some direction help. I often get stuck after the initial splurge of words so here's something I'm working on:

V: I went out last night
I went to the place
Where people go to drown
And I almost stayed
So sick and tense and worried
So always in a hurry
Not ready for today

Ch: This is my last chance

Thoughts?


I think I have natural talent for guitar because I'm left handed and I use that hand to pleasure myself. Seeing as I started playing after most of intense masturbating-teen years, the dexterity was already there.
#11
Quote by darkrikku
work on it more, i like it


V: i love the way you hate me,
but why do you keep saying you love me,
you know ill never love you
after what you did to me


eh??


Not bad. I don't know what sort of style you're writing in, but maybe it's a little straightforward lol if you understand.


I think I have natural talent for guitar because I'm left handed and I use that hand to pleasure myself. Seeing as I started playing after most of intense masturbating-teen years, the dexterity was already there.
#12
yeah its for an ex, who is obsessed with me after she ****ed my brother, and he had a horrible attitude tworads her, so i decided, hey lets write a song that basicly says **** you
#13
I wrote this, needs work though:
She came wrapped in a dress
Stained by athousand tubes of lipstick
Skin so smooth and lighter than air
She floats like an angel's feather
Down from heavan into my bed
She only leaves when I put her away
I'm just as fake as you
But what we have is real
the day you arrived at my door
I knew you were made for me

I don't know if I should finish this. I don't really like writing love songs.
#14
in a land far away where the sun rapes the water...
worth maybe getting sued by dragonforce for?
Quote by StraightxXxEdge
Quote by Truespin
you can't use a guitar to replace your lack of charm or social skills.

Worked for Malmsteen.
#15
The road to liberty is a congested one...
I hear they may make it one way.

I was kinda thinking the vox in the style of Robb Flynn from Machine Head. I had some really good lyrics yesterday before I went to sleep, can't remember them now though.

Quote by Josher.K
in a land far away where the sun rapes the water...
It could work, I kinda put it to the tune of Quest for Fire by Iron Maiden
#16
I'm saying no... Too cliche.


This world seems desolate
Another '**** you' on the wall
A savior still stands there
Just to catch you when you fall
You think it's so hopless
And you probably will question why
I may seem strange to you
But I'm the catcher in the rye
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]
#18
Quote by getrythym
Words are weapons of depression
They can drag you down
Keep you bound
To your own insecurities

They are false senses
Of the reality that
You try to hard
To be accepted

Worth working on?


I really like the second stanza but maybe change the first one a bit.

mine:

a crack in the ceiling
a broken smile
and empty feelings
Quote by RATM forever
definitely the best spam thread today!
#19
I like that but in my opinion it would require more depth around what you are actually implying if you would want to pull it off with meaning. Hopefully that makes sense


----------

stareoids


?
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#20
^^^I'd say yes, it sounds good to me.
_____________________________

Two seperate lines I plan on using in two related songs if not the same song. Growled, as like in melodeath metal.


My nepenthe fell from my hands as I fell from grace.

And...

I have bled myself dry; Is this my reward?


I might change the actual phrase(s) to fit the whole stanza, but these are just a basic outline of the concept of the line. An FYI, the second line is not about suicide, but a metaphore for personal sacrafice (giving your own blood for a higher purpose).
Carpe diem; Seize the day.

Just be.

Scales are notes, not shapes, boxes, or patterns.
#22
its not bad, re arrange the words a bit and it could be alot better.

heres mine

"as colors ooze down the broken rainbow,
Smiting the leperchauns greedy rage"
#23
^It's alright, you might have something there.

"When you are alone
listening to the drone
of the machines
as they sit there idling away..."

Good?

BTW, I've got copyrights on this. Any of even think about trying to plagiarise it, I WILL FIND YOU. ;D
~don't finkdinkle when ur supposed to be dimpdickin~
Last edited by Primus2112 at Nov 15, 2008,
#25
It's intended to be prog metal. So it's kinda based on the rhythm of an Opeth song.
~don't finkdinkle when ur supposed to be dimpdickin~
#26
" Logic is useless when dealing with fables,
The masses are waiting on half faded saviors."

Pissed off at religion type thing.
#27
Quote by Dethvone1
" Logic is useless when dealing with fables,
The masses are waiting on half faded saviors."

Pissed off at religion type thing.


Meh, it's alright.
#28
Mmm... don't normally do this but thought I'd give it a go. Some random ramblings I wrote while stoned. Worth developing?

the snow crunches in winter nostalgia
every step like a million soldiers clicking heels together in four time
whistling wheels scream through the sludge
with every heart beat I feel more and more ALIVE
every moment
every breath
nothing can stop me
in and out of control
as the chattering silence of mind and body merge and interweave
pulse maligned
with every escape, every flight
who can you trust?
least of all… yourself?
Quote by rabidguitarist
Please don't ruin this thread. Transvestitism is serious business.
#29
The shadows of ecstasy have failed again
As the sun dips below
Silhouettes stand black against the sky
Only shadows of shadows remain
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#30
Quote by SmashThings
Mmm... don't normally do this but thought I'd give it a go. Some random ramblings I wrote while stoned. Worth developing?

the snow crunches in winter nostalgia
every step like a million soldiers clicking heels together in four time
whistling wheels scream through the sludge
with every heart beat I feel more and more ALIVE
every moment
every breath
nothing can stop me
in and out of control
as the chattering silence of mind and body merge and interweave
pulse maligned
with every escape, every flight
who can you trust?
least of all… yourself?


Has a nice sense of urgency building through it; but it is very standard. Your word choice and choice of phrases makes it seem very normal and uninteresting. You need to add some depth to it; add some images that aren't "the standards" and really add some personality to it.
#31
It always seems the darkest after
The sun goes down
It always seems to hurt most after
The fall
But everything with be okay
In the end
And if it's not okay, then the end is still to come

I will survive
I'll fly over power lines to help the cause
Hide like a giant
Let the tall grass brush away my fear
As I lie here away from what I know
It will be better soon
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#32
Wishes in the sky
Seem so far away
Wishes in the sky
Never seem to die
Quote by Dillona
NME: OMFG DEY HAZ TIGHT JEENZ N MESSY HAIRZ!

LETS COVER THEM IN OUR MAGAZINE FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS! .



Metallica 08.07.07
25.03.09
#33
The old saying, “Want not, get not”
Rings true again
Whether I’ll be granted this power,
It all depends

We’ll burn it to the ground tonight
We’ll satisfy your needs tonight
Peaceful protests fail again,
Violent means reign ‘till the end
While bullets will destroy the rest,
A heart shaped fist pounds in my chest
Repeated signs of life I hold,
In weathered hands,
To death exposed
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 8, 2008,
#34
might make a lot of changes..
thoughts anyone???

The open hand will clench around my neck,
Stifling the cries for help
That now trickle from my mouth
And though the veins of insecurity
Remain firmly shut,
The pressure building up behind,
Will become too much

Close tight my eyes,
Think of better things
Relief in the form of insanity;
I’ll forget
How does it feel,
Watching on?
From your protected mind
Through a sheet of glass that’s our divide
How does it feel,
Knowing the power to help is at your fingertips?
(But) Your stare at me through my demise
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 9, 2008,
#35
I've had this stuck in my head for days, but I'm sure it's been done.

Come and run away with me
We'll break the laws of gravity

Does this sound familiar?
#36
Quote by ChemicalFire
It always seems the darkest after
The sun goes down
It always seems to hurt most after
The fall
But everything with be okay
In the end
And if it's not okay, then the end is still to come

I will survive
I'll fly over power lines to help the cause
Hide like a giant
Let the tall grass brush away my fear
As I lie here away from what I know
It will be better soon


First part seems a little too...not cliche, but...obvious perhaps. Not sure if i can really explain what i mean, it just doesn't seem right. I like the second part tho.


A couple of short bits and pieces i'm not sure about:

Senseless beauty, needless strength
Devouring all with no intent;
Fearing passion, devotion gone,
Loss of self - this tired song.


This is your penance now,
You'll never wash away these fears.
As you fall you'll make no sound
And live to regret your presence here.


Beyond the void, beyond the veil
Beyond the dark and blood red sea
On shattered wings, of death she sings
And flies toward the end with me
#37
Humans are a flawed Creation.
I see what we do and I cringe at the notion
Conquest, we covet what is not ours
For our own self righteousness
And to clear our voided souls.
War, we lift our blades for no reason at all.
We set such great towers in the sky
Just to watch them fall.
Plague, we laugh as the sickness spreads.
While hearts as black as coal corrupt
A pristine platinum soul and as the man who said “Enough”
Is pulled through the streets.
Death, we war on death for the sake of plagues and conquest.


hehe, I've been watching Battlestar Galactica for the past couple of days now so I'm in the mood to write something Apocolyptic.
EDIT: Be kind, this is the first thing I've written that I've tried to make sense.
#38
Ok only just started to learn the guitar, so i thought i would try to write a song. This is my 1st try only 2 verses so thought i would ask if its worth going on.

Six String Goddess

I looked through a window and to my surprise,
There she was like an angel in disguise.
Body of a goddess, neck like a swan
This 6-string beauty I need to switch her on.

Her colour was black, black as the night
She should have faded into the night
Except when the moonlight caught her strings so bright
I knew this six string goddess would rock through the night.
And if I would have been a bad man
You would have seen the good in me
You would have seen the other
The good man I could be
But since I am a good man
The same was all the same
Nothing I could do, nothing I could do
Last edited by WelshDai at Dec 12, 2008,
#39
^I like the descriptive imagery of the lyrics. I say go on with it. It's about a guitar right?

It's long been abandoned
This empty suburban town
Everyone else has vanished
No where to be found


I'm still a n00b....
::type
#40
Just two verses for a song I've got going, it's all going to be screamed, very AILD-ish, and I didn't intend on doing an ABAB rhyme scheme, but it happened, so, whatever. I may change it I may not. Still working on a chorus though.

The song is going to be called "No Hope In Sorrow".
Lemme know what you think.
Verse 1
When all hope is lost,
Where do we turn to hide?
We stand our ground, but at what cost,
We've thrown away our lives.

Forget about tomorrow,
Dream of yesterday.
There's no hope in sorrow,
We need someone to pave the way.

Verse 2
The walls come crashing down,
There's nowhere left to run.
The dust setlles on the ground,
The end has just begun.

The darkness seems to follow,
Every step I take.
There's no hope in sorrow,
Everything that we love's at stake.
This is our last chance.
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