#1
This is only a rough draft so far. I am satisfied with it for now, but extra input would be well appreciated when I decide to revise this song.

With that, this is a metalcore song, so it's sung with a lowish growl. It has two verses and then a break-down. I didn't add a chorus because I felt it would only harm the "feel" I was trying to get at, which is more storytelling than anything. Anyway, here it is... "Purgatory".

Verse 1:
He can't help but lash out at the world around him,
just like a dog that's been left out all alone in the cold.
He's forgotten love, warmth, and simple affection,
and replaced it all with bitterness;
He's a man without a home.

Verse 2:
He feels so distant from everybody around him.
He's lost in himself, drifting ever farther away.
He once reached out for simple affection,
only to be cast out end rejected;
He's fallen away from grace.

Breakdown:
Sick with pain, he fell down to he knees.
he opened up himself, and admitted all of his inequties.
"Please forgive me of my tendencies,
and help me bear the weight of this purgatory.

"There's a shadow in my eye, lift it so that I may see.
There's a scar on my hand, branded with a capital 'C';
Cleanse this taint, and remove this label from me.
Desperate is my prayer; Come now and set me free."
Last edited by fendermalmsteen at Oct 20, 2008,
#3
Quote by nowa90
holly shit,its bout homeless men isnt it? i like it very so, +1, please crit mine,i no it sucks,my first un-haiku song https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=981154

No, it's not about a homeless man. Just a really sad man. The "He's a man without a home." line was just a metaphore.
Carpe diem; Seize the day.

Just be.

Scales are notes, not shapes, boxes, or patterns.
#5
i like it although i feel that some of the rhymes sound a bit forced.also in the the break down i think you should say ' forgive me of my tendencies' and in the last section say 'theres a shadow before my eyes'
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Last edited by Eggmond at Oct 19, 2008,
#6
Quote by Eggmond
i like it although i feel that some of the rhymes sound a bit forced.also in the the break down i think yu should say ' forgive me of my tendencies' and in the last secion say 'theres a shadow before my eyes'

You're right about the first thing, I forgot to type in "... forgive me of my...", but I put "... shadow in my eye..." for a reason, and I'm keeping that.
Carpe diem; Seize the day.

Just be.

Scales are notes, not shapes, boxes, or patterns.
Last edited by fendermalmsteen at Oct 19, 2008,
#7
"Purgatory"

Verse 1:
He can't help but lash out at the world around him,
just like a dog that's been left out all alone in the cold.
He's forgotten love, warmth, and simple affection,
and replaced it all with bitterness;
He's a man without a home.

Pretty good. It paints the picture of what the song is about.
Verse 2:
He feels so distant from everybody around him.
He's lost in himself, drifting ever farther away.
He once reached out for simple affection,
only to be cast out end rejected;
He's fallen away from grace.
This kind of seems like your just repeating yourself. If that's what your going for, than its good. But if not, you may want to change this.
Breakdown:
Sick with pain, he fell down to he knees.
he opened up himself, and admitted all of his inequties.
"Please forgive me of my tendencies,
and help me bear the weight of this purgatory.
This is perfect. Keep it the same.
"There's a shadow in my eye, lift it so that I may see.
There's a scar on my hand, branded with a capital 'C';
Cleanse this taint, and remove this label from me.
Desperate is my prayer; Come now and set me free."
This is the best part IMO.


To be honest, I didn't like it that much. I just don't think it's something I'd listen to. It's a good song, it just didn't do it for me. It didn't really grab my attention.
#8
I was pleasantly suprised by this. When I read "metal-core" I straight away thought oh dear, just goes to show that you shouldnt judge a book by its cover.

I didnt pick up on the "man without a home" metaphor straight away, I took it at face value but once you'd explained it it's actually a really good metaphor- you can have a roof over your head and still not feel like you have a home because a house isnt necessarily a home.

There's a scar on my hand, branded with a capital 'C'

why a capital c?

thats the only part I didnt like, well the last four lines. The rhyme got a bit tired and came across as forced. Overall though I think this is a good peice.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=983690 return crit?
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
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#9
Quote by damn-right!
I was pleasantly suprised by this. When I read "metal-core" I straight away thought oh dear, just goes to show that you shouldnt judge a book by its cover.

I didnt pick up on the "man without a home" metaphor straight away, I took it at face value but once you'd explained it it's actually a really good metaphor- you can have a roof over your head and still not feel like you have a home because a house isnt necessarily a home.

There's a scar on my hand, branded with a capital 'C'

why a capital c?

thats the only part I didnt like, well the last four lines. The rhyme got a bit tired and came across as forced. Overall though I think this is a good peice.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=983690 return crit?

The "Capital 'C' " line is supposed to refer to a word, beginning with the letter "C", that "the protagonist" has been "labeled" with. It's something personal that I threw in, for strong personal reasons.
Carpe diem; Seize the day.

Just be.

Scales are notes, not shapes, boxes, or patterns.