#1
Sleep

The silent solace in the science of sleep seems so obscure
My screams of sorrow and fate make you sound so sure
And you say you’ll never forsake our love for anything dear
But you just turn your back and don’t even hear
The things I say
What I’ve changed
To insure that place in your heart
The place you own in mine


is this a good verse?

i cant sleep so i thought i'd call it sleep
Quote by AtThisVelocity
Metal_Hed_23, will you marry me?


Quote by drewfromutah
If she takes her pill properly and you still pill out or use a condom, just quit having sex altogether. The damn pill was built so that you can ride bareback and film your own creampie movies afterwards.
#2
There's a Songwriting and Lyrics forum. Go there.

I can't believe you've been here for 2 years and still don't know the forum's parts...
#5
i know that. but theres like 3 people there. i wanna know what people think. not just post it and not get replies for days
Quote by AtThisVelocity
Metal_Hed_23, will you marry me?


Quote by drewfromutah
If she takes her pill properly and you still pill out or use a condom, just quit having sex altogether. The damn pill was built so that you can ride bareback and film your own creampie movies afterwards.
#6
The rhyming seems strained, you don't have to rhyme, it's often better if you don't, it's just one out of many techniques you can use to increase the effectiveness of your writing, not a necessity.
founding member of the Bill Bailey fan club (assuming there isn't already one)

proudly not an overly proud vegetarian
#7
Quote by Metal_Hed_23
i know that. but theres like 3 people there. i wanna know what people think. not just post it and not get replies for days


Well, in order for this site to function properly, you need to follow the rules of the forum. There isn't an exception.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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