#1
Before I start, don't say Relationship Thread, this is also about my band.

So I used to have feelings for the rhythm guitarist in the band I'm in and I told her how I felt and things just haven't been the same after that (needless to say, the answer was no) she's being really anti-social towards me and any attempts at conversation haven't been good between us.

Now I'm really questioning whether or not I still want to be in the band because I don't think the band's going to get far with the tension (especially when I can't make ANY suggestions or statements without receiving an angry sentence from her for what seems like there is no reason) but I don't want to disappoint my other friends in the band by leaving because they're good people and they're the few decent players in my school.

The rhythm guitarist is apparently going to the city for her birthday next week and I haven't been invited, so should I judge what I should do on whether or not I'm invited? Because before the whole bullshit thing, we were good friends and now it seems like she's pushing me away.
#2
I hate to be the voice of reason, but talk to her... She could be confused about how she feels about you, hence her initial reaction is to push you away. Tell her you still want to be friends and that you shouldn't let a silly crush get in the way (even if that's not how you feel...)
#3
Quote by Niki (guitar)
I hate to be the voice of reason, but talk to her... She could be confused about how she feels about you, hence her initial reaction is to push you away. Tell her you still want to be friends and that you shouldn't let a silly crush get in the way (even if that's not how you feel...)



She already told me she still wanted to be my friend and I told her the same thing.

But somehow, I'm doubting that right now.
#4
drop the rhythm guitarist.
she is having difficulties with accepting other people in the band, which makes her a bitch. which makes her the rotten banana in a banana bowl.
plus if you're in the same band and you're not invited to her party thing then why even be in a band together?>
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#5
How long has it been since you told her? If it hasn't been that long then she might feel weird about the fact that you had feelings for her and this is how she deals with it. If it's been a while then.....I don't know, it's ****ed up. Talk to the other guys in the band when you can, try and find out who they'd rather have in the band should it get to the point where one of you has to leave.
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#6
hows does the rest of the band feel? who writes the music etc? Band members come and go, band break up. Just how it is.
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#7
Quote by Mosher
drop the rhythm guitarist.
she is having difficulties with accepting other people in the band, which makes her a bitch. which makes her the rotten banana in a banana bowl.
plus if you're in the same band and you're not invited to her party thing then why even be in a band together?>



I may be the lead guitarist but I'm not the leader of the band, I see it more as a partnership where everyone gets a say.

And they're all in music class together (except for me, I dropped out of music and took up Japanese) and they have to perform assessments together so they wouldn't drop her.

She's only doing this to me, she's nice to the other members.


EDIT:

Quote by ytse Jammer
hows does the rest of the band feel? who writes the music etc? Band members come and go, band break up. Just how it is.


Everyone writes music in the band, but majority of the songs spawned from my ideas.

The rest of the band doesn't know about me thinking about leaving (except the drummer whom I'm good friends with)

Quote by alex117
How long has it been since you told her? If it hasn't been that long then she might feel weird about the fact that you had feelings for her and this is how she deals with it. If it's been a while then.....I don't know, it's ****ed up. Talk to the other guys in the band when you can, try and find out who they'd rather have in the band should it get to the point where one of you has to leave.



About a month and a bit.

And they wouldn't drop her as a member, they perform music assessments together.
Last edited by XianXiuHong at Oct 19, 2008,
#8
Tell her to act mature or she's out of the band. The tension is her fault dude.

Good on ya for taking the plunge by telling her though, it might not work every time but there's no harm in trying.
Quote by IROBOTInferno
I've never been caught (beating off), but my dad was picking up my gf once and "accidentaly" grabbed her boobs.
#9
Quote by zacharydak
Tell her to act mature or she's out of the band. The tension is her fault dude.

Good on ya for taking the plunge by telling her though, it might not work every time but there's no harm in trying.



I'm not the leader or decision maker of the band.
#10
Quote by XianXiuHong
I'm not the leader or decision maker of the band.


Express your concerns to the person who is then.
Quote by IROBOTInferno
I've never been caught (beating off), but my dad was picking up my gf once and "accidentaly" grabbed her boobs.
#12
Well, all you can do is try and sort it out with her or start looking for another band.
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Just don't use superglue as wank lube.
#14
talk to the drummer and make another band with him or her(seeing that you are good friends with him or her)

Or

Quit. it's not like you've been playing for years(have you?) with them right?
find a new band, maybe this band wasn't meant to be, maybe it's just fate telling you to look somewhere else
#15
Quote by XianXiuHong
*This is to everyone in general*

Should I leave the band if I'm not invited to her birthday thing?


Over a birthday party??? No....only leave if it's the only option left to you. If i was in your position, i would spend the next couple of weeks talking to the other guys, let them know what happened and to try and get them to help you. If they won't help then I don't see the point of staying.
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Quote by darkarbiter7
Just don't use superglue as wank lube.
#16
Quote by chriskhng
talk to the drummer and make another band with him or her(seeing that you are good friends with him or her)

Or

Quit. it's not like you've been playing for years(have you?) with them right?
find a new band, maybe this band wasn't meant to be, maybe it's just fate telling you to look somewhere else



I don't think the drummer would want to be part of another band and finding another bassist/guitarist is going to be very difficult as no one in my school really has the skill to play their instruments coherently.

I haven't been playing in their band for that long but I've been friends with the drummer for 5 or 6 years, the bassist for 2 and the current guitarist for 3 so I don't really know what to do.

EDIT:

Quote by alex117
Over a birthday party??? No....only leave if it's the only option left to you. If i was in your position, i would spend the next couple of weeks talking to the other guys, let them know what happened and to try and get them to help you. If they won't help then I don't see the point of staying.


I think the drummer and bassist are going along with her to wherever and a few other people who haven't been friends with her as long as I have so I feel a bit left out, I don't know whether to feel betrayed or just accept it?
#17
Quote by XianXiuHong



I think the drummer and bassist are going along with her to wherever and a few other people who haven't been friends with her as long as I have so I feel a bit left out, I don't know whether to feel betrayed or just accept it?


Is this the only time she has not invited you to something since you told her? If it is, accept it as her feeling weird about everything.
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Quote by darkarbiter7
Just don't use superglue as wank lube.
#18
Dude, just talk to the other guys in your band. Tell them the whole story and tell them to see what she's like at practice. Then they can see how irrational she is when you make your suggestions, and then you can ask them to talk to her/fire her/kick some sense into her.
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#19
Quote by alex117
Is this the only time she has not invited you to something since you told her? If it is, accept it as her feeling weird about everything.



Well she hasn't organized anything herself, most of it was just outings with friends where she was invited, but I can understand her not asking me to come along because I wasn't invited by the organizer, this is the first time she hasn't invited me to something I guess?
#20
Do you know who the organizer is?
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#22
**** talking to the other band members. talk to her.

don't mention anything about the birthday thing because she'll just be able to fob you off with a 'oh I didn't think you'd want to come. you can if you want'.

tell her that you don't like how she's been completely ignoring/dismissing your ideas and suggestions. either she'll tell you to grow up or she'll deny any knowledge of what she's been doing.

the first response warrants you leaving the band. the second means that she'll have no excuse in the future for dismissing your input.
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Quote by element4433
Yeah. people, like Lemoninfluence, are hypocrites and should have all their opinions invalidated from here on out.
#23
Quote by Lemoninfluence
**** talking to the other band members. talk to her.

don't mention anything about the birthday thing because she'll just be able to fob you off with a 'oh I didn't think you'd want to come. you can if you want'.

tell her that you don't like how she's been completely ignoring/dismissing your ideas and suggestions. either she'll tell you to grow up or she'll deny any knowledge of what she's been doing.

the first response warrants you leaving the band. the second means that she'll have no excuse in the future for dismissing your input.



Thanks for that, I think your suggestion's good.

But I don't know what to do to not disappoint the other members if I leave.
#24
Quote by XianXiuHong
Before I start, don't say Relationship Thread, this is also about my band.

So I used to have feelings for the rhythm guitarist in the band I'm in and I told her how I felt and things just haven't been the same after that (needless to say, the answer was no) she's being really anti-social towards me and any attempts at conversation haven't been good between us.

Now I'm really questioning whether or not I still want to be in the band because I don't think the band's going to get far with the tension (especially when I can't make ANY suggestions or statements without receiving an angry sentence from her for what seems like there is no reason) but I don't want to disappoint my other friends in the band by leaving because they're good people and they're the few decent players in my school.

The rhythm guitarist is apparently going to the city for her birthday next week and I haven't been invited, so should I judge what I should do on whether or not I'm invited? Because before the whole bullshit thing, we were good friends and now it seems like she's pushing me away.


Y'see folks, this is why I'm constantly telling you guys not to mix relationships with bands.

Your problem is, you can't kick her out because it would look like she's being thrown out for refusing your advances, which can actualy be construed as a criminal offence and may see you in court for sexual harrassment and unfair dismissal under sexism rules.
It doesn't matter that you're just a band, a solicitor can make your band seem like a business in the making and you could find yourselves liable for a massive compensation payout.

You can't go back to how things were before you made your advances on her, it's too late, that awkward feeling is just gonna linger and I should imagine that she's pretty angry with you for causing that feeling and spoiling the band for her.

You are the problem, so do the only honourable thing that you can do and resign. I know you don't want to, but consider it due punishment for stepping over the line and breaking the rules so badly.


Of course, that may not be the end of it.
Your leaving may cause an uncomfortable feeling and arguments among the rest of the band, who are your friends after all. Other members may leave at some point in the future, or the band may even split. If this eventualy happens, (and it probably will anyway, most bands rarely last longer than a couple of years, even when they're all on good terms) you would be perfectly within your moral rights to get a new project together with the guys, but without the rhythm guitarist.

And let this be a lesson to you, don't do it again.
#25
if theres tension and all then it isnt a good situation for a band to be in. Now this birthday party thing is a good example as normally band members are all great friends.

Talk to her, find out what the problem is and fix it, sounds easy cause it is. just talk it over!
and good luck to you
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#26
Quote by XianXiuHong
There is no organizer, we all make decisions as a group, and kicking her out's not an option because the rest of the band do music assessments with her.


I was talking about the guy that arranged the birthday thing. lol.
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Just don't use superglue as wank lube.
#27
don't blame it all on her imo.

it's probably because you've been friends with her for a long time (am i right?) and then you suddenly developed feelings for her. then when you told her how you felt she freaked out because she just didnt see you as bf material

not all friendships recover from this rejection... the awkwardness won't go away unless either one of you leaves the band

gl with whatever you choose
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#28
I'd give her an ultimatum: Either you stop ignoring me, or I'm out (since we're not going to end up making decent music as it is).

Or similar.

However, I agree with SlackerBabbath... If you want the band to live, don't have relationships within it. You had it coming to you (hate to be brutal).