#1
eyes are closing
and your head is clear
don't wanna show it
but you think who cares?

Sometimes they'd think
you're the living dead
you listen to that loop
that goes on in your head

turn off all the noises
you start looking around
thinking of something
like an earthquake in the ground

it makes a ripple
and it'll hurt innocent ones
you'd never have guessed
coulda been tons of nuns

you've got no meaning
think you're a wasteman
they ain't got no clue
you need locking in a police van.
#2
the rhymes (and at points the rhythm) seem forced, especially "ones and "nuns", which completely inturrupts the flow and coherence of the piece.

bar that, the imagery is great.
#3
its pretty good but you need to even out the rhythm and the rhyme
and you obviously have the rhyme and good imagery just make it flow a little better

it makes a ripple
and it'll hurt innocent ones
you'd never have guessed
coulda been tons of nuns

this could be------

<b>it makes a ripple
and it'll hurt innocent ones
you'd never have guessed
that you could be one</b>

and yes rhyming the same word does work you just have to emphasize that the second "one"
#5
I agree with the issues of forced rhythm and rhyme. If there were a few little tweaks here and there I think it would work pretty well as a indi rock type of song. The last lines in the last three verses all seem a little crammed and forced to me.

Other than that, I like sort of angry/annoyed tone I get from it. It definitely has potential.
#6
Updated version

eyes are closing
and your head is clear
don't wanna show it
but you think who cares?

Sometimes they'd think
you're the living dead
you listen to that loop
that goes on in your head

turn off all the noises
you start looking around
vibrating the body
it's an earthquake in the ground

it makes a ripple
and it'll hurt innocent ones
you'd never have guessed
that you could be one

And thanks for the help