#1
C4C (leave link)


You feel flattered with eulogies
but you can’t stand a denial;
It’s like being in a trial,
with hands in a bible, but being an atheist.
And you can’t resist ignoring the fact
that you’re far from perfection.
I could give the directions
but I’m too tired to do so.

Because your path’s dry mud; your shoes quicksand,
if you’re not drowning, you’re corroding.
Wishing you were floating in the air
with your paper Pegasus;
dreaming in loosing from the noose
you tied yourself to, but you’re slowly choking.
Something in your mind’s not working,
I'm not sure what, but I have a clue.

You’re tied into a pole, chained in the neck,
with her name craved in a collar;
once an archangel, now fallen,
with never-healing scars for wings.
Fed with dreams of liberty
but only swallowing possession,
you’re meant to satiate obsession,
negate passion, but fuel hate.

She’s dreaming with you,
inserting into
places no woman can reach;
and she’s leaching your brain,
removing what’s sane in you.
You don’t face the truth
because you stab your eyes
so you can only see the lies
she’s feeding you,
like the pet she tamed;
she doesn’t even call you by your name;
she calls you Severin... Severin
while awaiting there...
Strike, dear mistress,
cure his heart!

The last four lines are takes from Velvet Underground's "Venus In Furs" for obvious reasons I believe. It's not stealing lyrics, it just a reference. Thank you for reading.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Oct 19, 2008,
#2
hello, my wife left me 3 weeks ago and i think this portraits the phase I'm going through, although it's very well written, and i especifically like the part when the little rabbit is eating peanuts, because, i like peanuts too, they're mnhamy, i like to eat them with my parents and my sons, we eat them at night with oranje juice before going to sleep.

I like the Velvet Underground reference, because my parents used to play that song to me, before I went to sleep.

Now I'm going to feed my dad, he's ill; he has to stay in bed for an undetermined period of time
Last edited by sekeira at Oct 20, 2008,
#4
I didn't enjoy this as much as your other ones. I think the problem ehre is the flow more than anything else. its really bizzare and inconsistant. I've read it three times now and I can't find the pattern. Also, the non-rhyming then rhyming really bugs me. Either rhyme or don't. The last thing that bugged me was the line breaks. Most of them were good, but there were a couple that didn't seem to fit. But maybe that's just cause I couldn't find the flow in this piece. Some of the images are a bit weak, but the idea is strong. With a bit of work this could be a strong piece.