#1
She put her hand out to help me,
But I just gave her a high five,
and laughed as the waves took me under.
I don't really care
if you can find better words to explain it,
I'd love to hear them if you could.
Maybe we could sit down over some baileys and coffee
and ciggarettes and coke.
And discuss our differences.

We love the ones we do,
because they know how to use us,
without us knowing.
Call me naive,
but I can't hang here much longer,
why didn't we just use a gun?
then the blood on the note would have been
so much more dramatic.

Suicide is a cowards failure,
in writing, in love, in pain,
in life, inside of her.
#2
We love the ones we do,
because they know how to use us,
without us knowing.


Is the standout best line in the piece. It so cynical yet feels so true. I dig it. The title is quite good as well but I was kind of dissapointed that you didn't dwell a little on it. Develop the idea more, because it is quite wonderful. I expected something with a lot more punch. Something kinda raunchy and sexual even. This seemed to be more about you than the women. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

The gun thing was quite cliche but you killed the cliche with the last stanza. Calling youself a coward and at the same time calling out all the other cowards who commit suicide and use it in their writing is great. It's like, yeah you're all cowards but so am I. But then again, maybe you did it just to be ironic. At the same time, it doesn't really fit the piece and makes it more about you (and men) than the women. In fact, now that I think about I'm kinda starting to not like it at all, even if it is just to be ironic. Unless of course you're being SO ironic and it's actually SUPPOSED to be more about you (and men) and you blame it on women in a very ironic way. In THAT case, I suppose it's great and you pull it off wonderfully.

A little too much pronouns too...and they constantly change tense and meaning{{she...I...you...I...we (you and woman)...we (us men?)...me...I...we (us men again?}}

I found that rather distracting.

That's really all I got.

(If you get the chance, I'd appreciate if you checked out "THE SAGA". Thanks!)
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Oct 20, 2008,
#3
Quote by bluesybilly
She put her hand out to help me,
But I just gave her a high five,
and laughed as the waves took me under.
I don't really care


We love the ones we do,
because they know how to use us,
without us knowing.


Loved those two sections, but I've read the rest from you before... in pretty much the exact same tone and stylistic approach. Don't get me wrong, I love your tone... and when you hit; you're still hands down my favorite writer on this board... but this just didn't impact for me outside of those two sections. Those were bitter as fuck though; and I loved them... in fact, I made love to them.

If you feel like it, I have a new bit of prose up... its the equation one in my sig.

-zC