#1
your smile your wings so true so true!
and how i placed the moon in the sky just for you
caffeinated stars light this carbonated scene;
and this is the end of all dreams.
holding hands and whispering clichés (oh, honey!)
laying on clouds, blowing kisses to ourselves
a neon sign brights the sky with forever (and ever)
and at 3,000 ft from the ground distance doesn't matter
- oh the night and how it sings the words on our lips
and diamond dust glitters through the wind
we went for a walk on a planetary ring
on Earth it's october, here it is spring
Last edited by cubs at Oct 26, 2008,
#2
This was pretty good, i didnt really see the purpose of the oh, honey, idk, seemed weird in there. other than that i had no problem with it. i liked the 3rd line, and the last 2 lines. good job

if you wouldnt mind checking out my piece:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16751617#post16751617
#3
thanks holmes
i also don't know about the oh honey part, i have no idea where it came from, i'll probably end up removing it.
also: updated title.
Last edited by cubs at Oct 20, 2008,
#4
I've read this a dozen times... I've tried to think of things to say about it and I've come up with nothing. No good. No bad. The oh honey was weird but fine...

at the end of this I just clicked away. I got nothing from it... and I didn't particularly think this was a stellar read... but there is nothing wrong with it either. I never connected... I never cared; I never felt like I was in your world. I just simply was reading words on a page. I need to get lost in a piece a bit more to really enjoy it; but you've done nothing wrong either.

It's so hard to explain. I hope you understand. Link me to your next one too, hopefully I'll be of more use, mate.

#5
your smile your wings so true so true!
and how i placed the moon in the sky just for you
caffeinated stars light this carbonated scene;
and this is the end of all dreams.
holding hands and whispering clichés (oh, honey!)
laying on clouds, blowing kisses to ourselves

a neon sign brights the sky with forever (and ever)
and at 3,000 ft from the ground distance doesn't matter
- oh the night and how it sings the words on our lips
and diamond dust glitters through the wind
we went for a walk on a planetary ring
on Earth it's october, in here it is spring

Well I'll say now I liked this, nothing more. I was excited to see an AABB rhyme forming but was gutted when it stopped, it's ousted from poetry here for seeming 'forced' but occasionally it works, I felt here it could have.

Not sure about the 2 lines before my line break, it's sort of another pet-hate, and that's saying 'oh this is cliche' because the phrase itself is becoming cliche, go figure.
'brights' was horrible imo, such awkward diction, neon seemed a little too obvious too, not a lot to do about that though. From then on the piece picks up a bit more, to a different level, and there's little I can comment on. The exception being the use of 'in' in the final line, I think the line will work better without it.

Overall this is a nice little piece, takes a while to get into original territory but it works.


peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
wow thanks for the crits guys, i truly appreciate you reading this.

@Zach: yeah, i get what you mean. This was really nothing special. It seemed like a good idea when i posted this but now, feels meh. hence why i changed the title. I dont blame you for not feeling this really, i can see how you could not connect. no worries mate. This was not particularly interesting or clever or whatever. Anyway, thanks for checking this out, i truly appriciate it.

@Steve: i never really intended for the AABB rhyme to stop, i dont think it even stops except for the cliches part (which im thinking of removing). I do get what you say about them. The middle section of the piece was the part i had most trouble writing. Brights was also weird. You see, this was originally written in spanish then translated to english. I didn't even notice bright wasnt a verb until i posted this, lol. English isn't my first language, so yeah. I couldn't find another word for it, other than light, which i had already used in the piece. I'll try to find a synonyme. Also, i omitted the "in" in the final line. Thanks for reading, really I was surprised when i saw you commented in this, thanks.
#7
I think Zach and Steve summed it up perfectly. I just want to add that there were some refreshing lines here. My personal fav "caffeinated stars light this carbonated scene". Sorry its not much, but again I have been beaten to the punch