#1
Another rambling. I think that by now it's safe to say that if I'm writing something, it A) is unplanned, B) is about me, and C) is about something that's happening in my life right now.

THERE IS A GIRL

He watched her from the distance
noted how her long
silky auburn hair
caressed her smooth shoulders.

He wanted to be the one
to caress those shoulders.

He watched her lips
quirking up into a smile
as she noticed him staring.
He turned away
Averted his eyes.

At long last, he was
finally able to ask her.
He was too late.
"You are fantastic,"
she softly replied.
He melted at her voice.
"but I have to say no."

Someone else had been faster.
Someone else had asked first.
Someone else had been able to caress those shoulders.

He wanted to caress those shoulders.
If he had asked sooner,
he would've been able to,
but he was just too late.

Someone else had
beaten him to it,
and was
caressing those shoulders.
#4
You should have asked first.


Hmm im not a lyric man.

Post a link to the song then il comment.

A wasted comment??? probably
#5
Not much I can critic on, but I liked it. Kinda reminded me of Pearl Jams 'Black'. Keep it up man.
Feel free to add me on STEAM: thesystemhasfailed
XBL tag: cbiggs18
#6
Way to bum me out.

Jerk.
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#7
Ok apparently heavenbesideyou is the only one who has a working brain here.

I have no clue what the rest of you are talking about.

Anyone else?
#8
Quote by Indiana Jenkins
Ok apparently heavenbesideyou is the only one who has a working brain here.

I have no clue what the rest of you are talking about.

Anyone else?


What I meant by that is this piece is strikingly emotional and really hits home with me. Good choice to write it in third person rather than first.
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for fans of...

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#10
Quote by Indiana Jenkins
Oh. Then next time, say that.


I figured it would be simpler.

But noooo...
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POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#11
Lol I understand how you would think that but keep in mind that this is the internet. If you're not straight forward about shit, chances are your meaning will get lost by most if not all of the people who read it.

=]
#12
This is one of those songs that will pale in comparison in paper to what it will be live. Write music, record it, and share it. It's got more potential than I can stand in one reading.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#15
Alright.
Just an opinion, I think you repeat the idea of caressing her shoulders too much.
I like the idea of dialogue, but it isn't perfectly executed.
This is a pretty good first draft, but it could be better.

Nice work though. It's a good concept
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#16
well done, writing about love, about a girl, and avoiding the cliche! good rhymes, not forced, rhythm and flow was good throughout, so not much for me to say on that front.
i like how it was 3rd person, he, instead of I. that really helped to make it less xliche, and seem more new and exciting. its not often to see a "love" song written in that way. ( know this isnt a song, but for lack of a better word....)


i dont like the constant repititon of caressing shoulders, it got on my nerves, but maybe im missing the point, i dont know.
that is basically my only critisism

pretty damn near perfect shot here.


sorry for a lousy crit, but could you do the same for mine, link in sig.