#1
Poem. Well, it probably reads more like an essay.


A line of cars snakes its way along
a network of channels, a menagerie
of order disguised as chaos. Green lights
reflecting our jealous natures allow us free
passage, if only momentarily. A scarlet eye
stops us in our tracks and stares at us
unblinking, almost daring us to move.

And whilst it watches over us, my thoughts
drift away, and I catch myself thinking if
this is what life is, if this start-stopping
is the analogy we endure each day, glimpsing
without fully realising we’re actually doing
this for seventy-eighty years without rest.
Even our dreams, those hours of ecstasy where
we forget who we are and imagine what if,
stop-start.

I wonder occasionally, as the snake loses its
head but gains in its tail, about what
we would be like if we never died, where
life would be eternal. Of course, that
question we hear so often querying about
the meaning of life would actually not need
to be answered, as without death, life requires
no need for meaning, as we have the time
to achieve absolutely anything.

I know many people secretly wish for immortality,
but I know that to live forever we would endure
such arduous endeavours in our quest for something
else to do that we would soon wish to die. It’s
funny – in one sense of the word – that our psyche,
our mental makeup allows such thoughts to
exist. After all, is it not true that to experience
life, there need be an end at which we must perish?

With thoughts of wasted life in my head,
I gaze out the window into the unending void
of darkness. I cannot help but to imagine
that that scene, without light, is what awaits
us after life. Only then, when you find yourself
lost in the beauty of the heart of darkness do you
sympathise with the people who wish to live forever.
#2
To be perfectly honest, I didn't like this. It felt like it was spending all of its time explaining itself. Every image or idea you throw out, you subsequently spend two lines explaining what the image means. Let us think and interpret... its what your writing (to me at least) thrives on. The fact that I can read one of your pieces and it can lead me to spend all day thinking about hte meaning of life and death and chocolate covered strawberries.

Also, the last stanza jsut seemed to be trying much to hard for me... it didn't feel right. It felt like you were forcing it into some sort of unnatural corner of dark introspection. *shrug*



Just a read and comment on the equation one would be greatly appreciated; but obviously not necessary as I haven't offered much here.
#3
It wasn't really until the two last verses that I really started to enjoy this; and I really did enjoy it!

For a start, maybe I'm missing the key to this, but the snake analogy felt like it should of retreated more safely into the idea of 'stop' and 'start' you had in the second verse. The relation, if it is there, is very vague to me, and it loses a large section of its impact because of it.

Your third verse was written poorly. Not in a general sense - I still couldn't write something like that - but in terms of the rest of the piece. It was lacking in something, something that the remaining stanzas had in plenty. Maybe there were too many small words that didn't 'snake' enough around your mind. They just kind of mussed together into verbal poo... after drinking ten pints of Stella and two shots of Black Bushmills... and then scoffing down a Burger King meal. I know that sounds awfully crude, I hope you understand where I'm coming from. That verse was nowhere near as lovely to read as the others were.
You actually had some lovely ideas hidden within, that are actually not very well hidden - which may also detracted from the overall quality of it - but you failed to write them down in an interesting manner. With a piece this size, personally I think you need to find a few different slight variations in the writing style, just so that each section will feel new and fresh - thus allowing your mind to congregate itself together in a more secluded and rational manner.

- "I know many people secretly wish for immortality,
But I know that to live forever we would endure
such arduous endeavours in our quest for something
else to do that we would soon wish to die. It’s
funny – in one sense of the word – that our psyche,
our mental makeup allows such thoughts to
exist. After all, is it not true that to experience
life, there need be an end at which we must perish?" - I loved this section.

I love the way you don't force your opinions on the reader; you're allowing us to judge you in a polite and poetic manner, taking into account exactly what you just said in the poem preceding it. Also, what you are like as a person. I can read a lot about you from this. That is a glorious quality you have. Poems are useless unless the reader can attract himself/herself to the specific points in the reader’s life and attach their own memories with the poets, locking together.

Your last few lines were probably the best, only due to the fact that it tied this wonderful piece together.

Digitally Clean
#4
Oh **** guys, this is getting tiring. Every time I come to crit something, I'm double teamed by Zach and Goldfish. Great. Now I can't think of anything else to add except that I agree whole heartedly with Zach. This piece really annoyed me. You'd present a nice imagery, then kill it by over explaining it and making it boring. This piece should have been engaging, but it just became tedious. The second last stanza was better, but still not brilliant and the last stanza did seem to be trying a bit too hard. The strange thing is you ahve some brilliant insights and ideas in this piece, but they're not given the chance to shine. You've boxed them in with unnecasary rambling and detailed descriptions. If you trim this a bit, and let it breath, I think this could work fantasticaly. That is all I can say. Check out some of my stuff if this helped.
#5
Quote by Dæmönika
reads more like an essay.


True dat.
Essays bloody well drag.

Sorry hon, but it's true. You're a marvelous writer, this had your beautiful imagery etc. in it, but it was 'this, this, this' without your usual grace. It said a lot saying a little. PM me if you want an explanation, but for the moment, I hope that makes sense.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!