#1
i dont want to be torn apart on this one guys im well aware that most of it doesnt follow most of poetries most basic rules and also that the flow of things is a train wreck at best but that was kind of the goal i based this on a day of sight reading in my school band :]

music hides within these lies
rhythm thrives it never dies
sweet pulse of violent nature

drumrolls bound spinning round and round
while horns shout out in anger

bassists cry
for they're despised
just for their quiet nature

saxes sing and
cymbols sound
their silent soft surrender

the composer dies
his pressure arise
as flutes play in grave danger

followed by his own demise
the music comes near-after

tell me what you think i enjoy reading this but im biased seeing as i am the fellow who wrote it any suggestions at all i appreciate :] its a satire btw my school band doesnt just suck. lol yeah christmas music enspired this btw in case you were curious about the title.
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#2
Wow, as someone who played in a school symphonic/jazz band for 6 years, I can totally relate to this poem/song. "Horns shout out in anger", "saxes sing", the line about bassists.. very nice. Also, not sure exactly what you meant by the whole "composer/flute" part, but to me it sounds like "the composer of this song would roll in his grave if he heard how the flutes are playing this song".. which is pretty freakin funny. Either that, or maybe you meant that the flutes' playing sent the composer to his grave? (Perhaps due to hypertension from being so angry at the way his song was played? lol) Either way, it's funny.

First stanza:
Did you mean lines, or lies? I think lines would sound interesting too, since you read music in lines, and it kind of implies that "somewhere there's music, but it isn't found here." However, I guess lies would be a slightly more metaphorical approach to that sentiment.

Second:
Like this, as stated. "Drumrolls bound" is a good line too.

Third:
Another good couple of lines, although it seems like you're sticking the "just" in there simply to keep the flow going (in other words, it doesn't really add anything to the images conveyed by your lyrics)... so I'd consider trying something else there. It stood out to me. It's like when people use forced rhymes--yeah, you got the rhyme, but it sounded forced so you lost all the impact and then some.

fourth:
I don't get it... whenever I was in band, the cymbals (especially the handheld crash cymbals) were always the loudest and one of the most obnoxious instruments (right up there with us trumpets). So, your claim of them sounding a "silent soft surrender" doesn't make much sense to me. The words themselves, though, are great. I like the alliteration of the "s" sound, especially when concluding with "silent soft surrender." It does sound very submissive.

End:
already commented on this. Good.

Anyway, I don't know if people who weren't in a high school band would like this as much, but to me it's funny and I enjoy it.

Hit me back if you appreciated the crit!

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=982989
#3
thanks a lot for the enthusiastic crit ill definitly hit up your stuff.

what i meant by "lies" in the first line was that all of the following isn't necesarily how stuff is supposed to work for instance the rhythm generally does die in site reading and the cymbols in their silent soft surrender (even though our cymbol players often get yelled at for being to quiet. i did love your comment about lines tho that hadnt occured to me however im going to leave lies because of its meaning on top of its similarity to lines is just an added bonus.

the third stanza i had trouble with mebbe ill change it to
"all for their quiet nature"
all is a lot less stand out than just i dunno if you have anything to suggest for that id like to hear if you do

and the composer dies. this alludes to my band director whom gets absolutly furious somtimes the flutes in grave danger simply meant that they sit closest to him... i do like your interpretation tho thats i think whats best about writing is seeing how other people interpret it. ty and ill see you on your song/poem. :]
Epiphone les paul studio
Traynor YCS50
vox wah V847
Fulltone Full-Drive 2
squire strat- currently in process of getting custom finish!


gassing for warmoth build