#1
I used to think she was so beautiful,
I would've given her anything,
but these days things are different.

She wants a game to play with,
I can't be that anymore,
She wants a man to lay with,
I can't fake that anymore.

If he makes her happy,
then God damn I'm happy too,
Maybe I'll shake his hand tomorrow,
and congratulate him on the fact that he
has just lost the greatest game ever played.

Her mind is finally made up,
and I thought I would feel bitter,
or hostile or would resent them both,
but all i feel is numb.
Why does that feel so wrong?
I guess the fact that I knew I would win in the end,
has something to do with it.

I still love her.
Last edited by bluesybilly at Oct 21, 2008,
#2
=)
i like it.
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Quote by freedoms_stain
I can't imagine anything worse than shagging to Mark Knopfler.

Maybe shagging Mark Knopfler, but that's about it.
#3
Dude.


You have reached into my brain.

Not just my brain, but my life at this point.

Pulled out exactly what I'm going through right now.

And put it in lyrics.

Bluesbilly, I think I love you.

Ten out of ****ing ten.
#4
B-E-A-UTIFUL.

Maybe I'll shake his hand tomorrow,
and congratulate him on the fact that he
has just lost the greatest game ever played.


I really like this but do you mean "won" here?

I'm sure everyone has felt like this. Man or woman. This transcends it all. I am kinda in that mode right now but I'm so emotionless that I can't really focus my energies and transfer those feelings into words...and honestly I don't really wanna go to that place either.

But yeah, very nice. Nothing I can find to really nitpick. Maybe I'll be back.

(and yeah, the saga when you can)
#5
just wondering, is there a reason for the capitalization of would on the fourth stanza?
it bothered me when i read it. Other than that, i enjoyed this, not much to add.
#6
Dammit man, stop writing stuff I can't crit. I agree with Guns, everyone can really connect with this piece. It contains your normal cynical style, but there is an undercurrent of life and warmth in this piece that really lets it breath. I like that you didn't capitalize every line and i love the flow. Well done. Now write something bad goddamnit!
#8
This is so simple and so like most n00b love poems that it could easily be boring and shite.

But it's beautiful and lovely.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
I didnt enjoy this at all and I don't see why everyone else did. I thought it was wordy, underdeveloped, and something thats been written a million times. and don't get me wrong, I try not to call things cliche, because thats a bogus word, but I honestly have written this piece so many times in so many ways that this lost all relatability, lacked anything concrete to make it personal, and I was truly bored at the end.

I didn't want wit or anything, I just wanted something that made me see you in this, something quirky to your situation and I failed to see that.

that said, the situation described here is always a sad one. so,

#12
I agree with above post, although I did enjoy this.

One thing I reckon you should change -

"and I thought I would feel bitter,
or hostile or would resent them both," - I hate this extra line here - you're just repeated yourself and it doesn't add any needed sense of desperation.

The only line I really liked - concerning the entire piece as a whole picture anyway - was the last line. Character and depth seemed omitted entirely from this. There were segments that I thought, hemm, yes, I can dig that, but it wasn't until the end that I really attached myself to this piece, and even then, it wasn't with any firm supremacy and degree.
To be honest, I've noticed that particular point a lot with your recent work: its not until the end that I actually derive any sort of pleasure from it. Which is good, but only in minor doses and if its done properly and effectionately. Eventually you become tired of not being thrilled and emotively moved until the climax. In my opinion, the climax should heighten the emotion, not be the only source of it.

Digitally Clean
#13
This has that little bit extra in it that you won't catch if you aren't in the right mood for it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
Quote by #1 synth
I humbly disagree.


Not that he needs me to defend his work, but... I'm going to anyways.

The difference between this and all the similar poems you've written (i've not read, but I can guess) is that this is sheer bitter simplicity. From you; its over complicated... the style you choose clouds it and the sentiment is lost behind trying to be poetic or trying to be unpoetic... but the fact remains, there is trying. This is just a free-flow of thought and emotion, that I find bitterly relatable and tangible. Of course, you're welcome to your thoughts, but just thought I would share my reasoning.
#16
Quote by #1 synth
I humbly disagree.


You just aren't in the right mood then, are you?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!