#1
tryin make a livin gonna fight up the time
been flying though the world got no eye to sign
running in the junglelistic maze of the mind
she screams its all over as she runs to the line

oh.. thought i knew you
no.. wont go with you
oh.. i cant forgive you
no.. i will forget you


sittin on the corner of the second and main
wonder who the hell is the girl with no name
listen to the city as it speaks of the same
damn its a pitty we'll just follow the game

no.. thought i knew you
oh.. wont go with you
no.. i cant forgive you
oh.. i will forget you

i will forget you.

its something i wrote a little while back. thouhgts?
#2
Quote by dusincandle
tryin make a livin gonna fight up the time
been flying though the world got no eye to sign
running in the junglelistic maze of the mind
she screams its all over as she runs to the line

I like the metaphor of the mind as a jungle here, especially with her "screaming" as she runs through it. However, there is such a thing as too much rhyme, and I think that's what you have here (with all 4 lines ending in the same sound). I don't really understand what's meant by "got no eye to sign" or "gonna fight up the time", so maybe consider changing those to a different rhyme? (Unless they're just phrases that I've never heard before)

oh.. thought i knew you
no.. wont go with you
oh.. i cant forgive you
no.. i will forget you

Simple, good enough. No changes needed for this chorus.

sittin on the corner of the second and main
wonder who the hell is the girl with no name
listen to the city as it speaks of the same
damn its a pitty we'll just follow the game

I really like the first two lines, especially if "the girl with no name" line is proof that you've forgotten her. That's pretty sweet. Also, I've always liked when people write about the "city speaking", although the end of that line and the next one are a bit weak. Again, you've got the super-rhyming thing, which I would look to change (especially because the rhyming words of the last two lines seem to take away some of the meaning established earlier in the verse.. i.e. what is "the same"? What "game" are you playing, if you don't even remember this girl?

no.. thought i knew you
oh.. wont go with you
no.. i cant forgive you
oh.. i will forget you

i will forget you.


Not bad, I'd be interested to hear the music that goes along with this.

Here's a link to one of mine, if you have time.. thanks!

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=982989
Last edited by squier_4_life at Oct 21, 2008,
#3
hey thanks. yeah my favorite line was "running in the jugleistic maze of the mind". and yeah your right about the rhyming. and u liked the chorus? i thought that was the weakest part of it all. ill post it again when i revise it if you wanna see it.

and for the "fight up the time" i meant trying to beat the limits of time also and "got no eye to sign" i was kinda going for just living without any regard for, well basically, anything