#1
this is terrible, cliche, self-serving, and I wrote it in four minutes about two minutes ago. but beyond that, I just wanted to say sup@chu. I've been trying to find an excuse to come here for quite some time.

all I've been listening to is country music lately, so imagine this with some twangy music and a severe drawl.


well as I lay here in bed,
I wake, and I smile, and
I think to extend a thanks
to the one who tucked me in,
so when I get up I'll wink
and I'll grin at my reflection.
but my puppy, he keeps biting my fingers,
he knows the consequences of the flow
of all these words, and letting
the people know, that something as fleeting
as the weather, politics and food,
could change my mood so extensively,
I greet these things as if they were
friends to me, and I sit here naked,
and think so damned optimistically,
waiting for the results of some essay I wrote,
or a text from some girl who will never know
how I dote on her, because quite simply,
y'all, I ain't got time for her,
and oh, yes, sure, I may be eurphoric,
but damn if texts sent
with "U"s and 4s don't make me sick,
who would I be if sometimes I didn't
lie, or quit, or contradict myself?
hardly human, I presume,
and when they exhume my body from
whichever wishing well I decide
will be my cell, in one last great
attempt to escape from this freedom
I so cautiously defend,
and extol, and lap up,
because I've been running on empty
but I'm gettin' kinda full,
and I know, yes I know,
that I'm probably not whole,
and I may overstate the effects
on my soul, and maybe when I have time,
I'll add up the shards and find nothing.
but so what?
#2
Honestly this sounds like it would be a good rap. You have a lot of internal rhymes, which I love. Good choice of words in many places too. One thing, though..

"Eurphoric" - supposed to be "euphoric"?

Good stuff: "wishing well/be my cell", "Us and 4s make me sick" (yes!), the general idea of the song. This voices some of the opinions I have on my own life and the lives on many others... about how happy people really are, and whatnot.

PS If this were a rap, I'd want something to rhyme with "defend" near the end there. It just seems like it would make an awesome rhyme.

Also if it were a rap, the flow might have to be changed a bit.

Can you tell that I think this would make a good rap? lol

If you have time...

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=982989

Thanks!
#3
This was nice. Not your best and I didn't look into it much on the technical side but you have an easy style and it's always enjoyable to read. Hope you're doing well.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me