#1
Song written by my band's bassist, we're looking for some feedback. The vocal melody has been written and this fits in, so the flow should be ok. I'm basically looking for critiques on the actual words/imagery used (what you think is good, what's cliche/cheesy, what can be improved, etc.)

(Also, with the name, we had a 3-4 version but changed it to 4-4, and I liked the way it sounded... do you think it sounds good, or just silly? Let me know!)

Thanks! And provide a link to your own work, if you want.

Sunshine 4-4

Shadows, doubts and discontent,
Are slowly creeping,
Picture shifts in tone, certainty fading.

Victim of my circumstance,
My mind - my prison,
And you hold every key.

[Chorus]
Sunshine on in,
Chase the dark away.
Come be my light,
You’re the one to stay.

Rays of reason break the shell,
That’s suffocating,
Keeping life from taking root within.

Been too long now, can’t you see?
There’s only one thing,
That keeps me hanging on – the colour of your eyes.

[Chorus]
Sunshine on in,
Chase the dark away.
Come be my light,
You’re the one to stay.

[Solo]

[Chorus – v2]
Transform my world,
Can’t wait for the dawn.
Breathe life into me,
‘Til every trace of past is gone.

Sunshine on in,
Chase the dark away.
Come be my light,
You’re the one to stay.
#2
i want you guys to record this soz i can listen im curious about how you go from poem to lyrics this is where i have trouble in my songwriting process.

1st stanza
good stuff i like how shadows relates to light in the overall scheme of the song
i think i would have used "all" instead of "are" i think thats a subjective prefrence though

2nd stanza
i like this... even if its a little cheezy i think i would have said this glass alluding to a window through which the sun in the chorus is going to shine to fight back the shadows in the first stanza however i think the "mind" part of that is personal so i dont know what to recomend to you there.

chorus
yummy stuff only thing that i would do different is the first line
you have
"sunshine on in,"
i would have
"sun, shine on in"
more of a command/request which is how i read it but that is more of a flow matter than a word thing for all i know thats how you sing it :]

4th stanza
more conections to light... i like this! good conection to nature and i like nature

5th stanza
this stanza seems to be a little... cliche i guess would be the word but not so much that i would take it out or change it drasticly. this seems to be the first connection to who you have in mind with this song and thats good :]. again i would have more interconnections with light maybe instead of "the colour of your eyes" the soft gleam of your eyes" or somthing to that effect :]

chorus v2
this is good i like this i assume you will sing this over the same music as the chorus and its always good to mix it up

over all well done i like it seems to me that you have 1 of those rare intelligent bassists :P

peace
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#3
i like this,how u compare life to light and darkness to death kinda... u got a rare bassist there,or did u say ur basist do it and if it was good you'd admit it was yours lol.very nive,reminds me of metalica (enter sandman infact) i would love to hear a recording of it and see how it turns out..


c4c/?

i no it sucks bad,my first work but meh

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=981154
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
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#4
Haha, no, our bassist really did write it. And yes, he is pretty intelligent I think. Is that rare in a bassist?? I guess I'm lucky.

In terms of going from poem to lyrics, I guess my band will find that out tonight... when we first try to play this song. Usually I just write a song in Guitar Pro and add some vocal melody, and then make the lyrics fit into that... or play some progression and sing the lyrics naturally on top and see what comes out from that process. I do find that lyrics are the hardest part when I'm writing a song, since I either think mine are stupid or I don't know how to say what I'm really trying to say. In my band I think every member is capable of writing lyrics, so in that way I'm really freakin lucky... lol. Thanks for the crits.
#5
I wasnt that keen on the subject, it didnt really engage me. The rythmn for this is good though and it flows well, so concerning subject-you cant win em all.

check mine out? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=983690
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#6
Quote by squier_4_life
Haha, no, our bassist really did write it. And yes, he is pretty intelligent I think. Is that rare in a bassist?? I guess I'm lucky.


woah woah woah. I'm a bassist and I must say I'm highly intelligent.


Sunshine 4-4

Title's interesting. I have no idea what it means though.

Shadows, doubts and discontent,
Are slowly creeping, where are shadows, doubts and discontent creeping? you just kinda leave it hanging here... and it felt more forced than intentional to me.
Picture shifts in tone, certainty fading.
nothing too interesting or original here, but it flowed really well.

Victim of my circumstance, not sure, especially considering all the "my"s in the line below, that you should have "my" here.
My mind - my prison,
And you hold every key.
this is pretty nice here. not strikingly original, but simplistic and again, flows well. simplicity is rarely a bad thing.


[Chorus]
Sunshine on in, I don't like "on in". "Sunshine flows in"/"Sunshine comes in"/"Sunshine fights in"/"Sunshine comes on in"/"Sunshine races in". I guess my point is, you can keep it short and simple but still be more descriptive than "on in". not that I think any of those options I provided are all that much better.
Chase the dark away. I'm pretty sure there's a grammatical issue between this and the line before it. "Sunshine come/flow on in/chase the light away" seems even stronger to me now.
Come be my light,
You’re the one to stay.
ehh. I suppose this could be catchy but it finds an uncertain balance between faux depth and simplicity and I'd prefer it I suppose if you jumped one way or the other.

Rays of reason break the shell,
That’s suffocating, what's suffocating? the shell? who's being suffocated?
Keeping life from taking root within.
this doesn't flow all that well here, but the phrases and ideas weren't as abject as before, so I'm not sure it's all bad. good job.

Been too long now, can’t you see?
There’s only one thing,
That keeps me hanging on – the colour of your eyes.
this definitely doesn't flow with the structure you had set up in the first stanzas. don't really have a problem with anything here though.

[Chorus]
Sunshine on in,
Chase the dark away.
Come be my light,
You’re the one to stay.

[Solo]

[Chorus – v2]
Transform my world,
Can’t wait for the dawn.
Breathe life into me,
‘Til every trace of past is gone.
I think "every trace of past" is pretty lacking. it could probably be stated better than that and still flow well.

Sunshine on in,
Chase the dark away.
Come be my light,
You’re the one to stay.

overall, for someone with relatively little writing experience, this is definitely nothing to be ashamed of. it's got promise and with a little work would make a pretty damn cool song. good work y'all.