#1
I walk back home every day of the week, and stop at least once with that feeling. These streets hold nothing but the tales of the British bourgeoisie in their hide-away back alleys, stone pavements and plasma screens. I watch a pretty little fellow standing by his builder's workload, blowing bubbles for his troubles that dissipate in to snow-white circles of smoke.
Between every toke I watch him sip instant coffee. See him evaporate over everyone but me.

And these streets, full of pretty little drain pipes painted navy blue, lightly sketched on like they're in some Winnie the Pooh book, look a bit like an American suburb if you look at them from the right angle.
They're strange moments, when I look at it that way,
like they all do;

but really,
this is nothing for me if it's
something for you.
I'll evaporate before I ever see reason for seeing this through.




There are a million things in the style of this that I hate that I write like. I want to stop it, but it's hard when you're numbing your mind with Jager. Maybe over half-term. It's harder when the main thing you hate is how hateful you bloody are in the writings. Hopefully someone sees some love in it, eh.
Sorry for rambling.
c4c.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#2
Ok, I didn't like this, but I'm going to try and crit it anyway. I think the main problem with this is in its unoriginality. Everything is starting to sound the same with you. Which wasn't that bad when you were at least being creative with your images and story lines, but this really lacks punch. I didn't connect with it at all. Also, the flow got reall wierd in some places, and I don't like how occasionally you'd rhyme a sentence or two. If you're going to rhyme, do it for the whole piece. Just throwing in a couple of rhymes here and there really ruins it. I think the stanzas get progressively worst. The first stanza wasn't that bad, the second stanza had the really annoying rhyming and the shit in the flow, and the last stanza just didn't work for me at all. Especially no the line breaks.

The second stanza seemed incredibly childish. "pretty little drain pipes" doesn't work for me. And the last two lines were really weak.

There's not much more I can add. Hopefully I've said something at least vaguely useful. Check out the top one in my sig if you feel like returning the favour.
#3
Quote by kdownes
I don't like how occasionally you'd rhyme a sentence or two. If you're going to rhyme, do it for the whole piece. Just throwing in a couple of rhymes here and there really ruins it.


I disagree with this. The only rhyme I didn't enjoy was the smoke/toke (as toke doesn't seem like the right word, either as a past-tense "take" or something else). It also felt like it put speed and jump where it shouldn't have been. However, that jump served the other rhymes well.

To each his own, however.


I like the last stanza, but the prose bit seemed like it was wondering around, not really doing anything. You're throwing a whole lot of images at me at once, and none of them are sticking. So much, that when the last stanza came, it didn't feel connected WITH the prose, so I went WITHOUT the prose. I know that you were focusing on tone - which you're undeniably good at - but dammit, pull out a stick and hit me with some force. I just couldn't pull anything from it. Feel free to dismiss everything I'm saying, as I may be totally wrong, but it didn't do much for me.

They're strange moments, when I look at it that way,
like they all do;


Not understanding that second line. It seems like a typo.

My crit is all over the place, sorry... no need to return one.
#4
A toke is a draw on a cigarette, or pot or whatever, btw.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
And I'm the only person who noticed that, aside from "lesson number two," this is the exact title to a movie coming out starring Simon Pegg?
#7
I absolutely loved the 'Winnie the Pooh' line; it was glorious!

I'll try and come back and explain myself properly, but for now, this was good.
#8
This is my crit, it looks like a quote, because the formatting thing was pissing me off so yerr

Quote by DigUpHerBones
I walk back home every day of the week, and stop at least once with that feeling. These streets hold nothing but the tales of the British bourgeoisie in their hide-away back alleys,Didn't really get the connection between 'bourgeoisie' and 'back-alleys' stone pavements and plasma screens. I watch a pretty little fellow standing by his builder's workload, blowing bubbles for his troubles that dissipate in to snow-whiteThink snow-white is a bit easy tbh, something more imaginative would be more in keeping with the rest of the piece circles of smoke.
Between every toke I watch him sip instant coffee. See him evaporate over everyone but me.Doesn't really make sense, do you mean his gaze evaporates...?

It's good, and I like the way the rhymes work in a prose format, but it's let down by some lazy rhymes and imagery

And these streets, full of pretty little drain pipesI think a word like 'picturesque' would be more fitting instead of 'pretty little' esp. as you've already used that phrase above painted navy blue, lightly sketched on like they're in some Winnie the Pooh book,loved this sentence look a bit like an American suburb if you look at them from the right angle.
They're strange moments, when I look at it that way,
like they all do;

but really,
this is nothing for me if it's
something for you.
I'll evaporate before I ever see reason for seeing this through.


I Thought that the ending of the piece is stronger than the start, but overall I really liked this piece, I don't think you should hate this style, with a little work I think you could develop it or look at is more as a biting critique than just hateful ranting. I think it's very promising.


There are a million things in the style of this that I hate that I write like. I want to stop it, but it's hard when you're numbing your mind with Jager. Maybe over half-term. It's harder when the main thing you hate is how hateful you bloody are in the writings. Hopefully someone sees some love in it, eh.
Sorry for rambling.
c4c.
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RED MILITIA FACTION
#9
I like this, miss discriminant.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
This was ok.

It was like a lyrical teen-angst with a couple of gloriously sun-shiny lines. I don't have anything more to say really. This wasn't what I like to read from you, as this was just standard and you have an interesting story telling voice that never came out here. I thought some of the lines were too poetic which stole away some of the "down to earth" feel. But whatever... this just didn't strike me too hard.
#11
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Your profile says that your 15? That cant be right. Your writing is beyond your years if thats so.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#12
what will jamie do when he sees this poetry and prose combination?

DON'T YOU THINK OF OTHERS, EVER? NO? NOT EVER?
#13
Thank you immensely, everyone, I agree with you entirely. This is meh (not you, Stu! God, I have to say that every time now).

Quote by samoo
what will jamie do when he sees this poetry and prose combination?

DON'T YOU THINK OF OTHERS, EVER? NO? NOT EVER?


Sorries!

And I'm 15, yeah.

I'll be back to you all soon.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
Stop being so damned humble, Katherine, its too admirable.

I don't have much to add. I enjoyed reading this because mainly you advanced yourself into new territory and it rang through nicely. Not amazingly, but it was a great little read, nonetheless.
The evaporating idea was awesome, although the entire introduction before that line had nothing in it that I really could enjoy that much. It was solid, yes, but not special.

Overall, I thought this was very poetic and dripping with sentimental soppiness - in a good way. Maybe you were aiming for gritty but I believe you didn't quite succed if that was your goal.
The layout detracted from this. I think it should of been laid out in a very poetic and pretty manner, emphasising the brilliance of the words. The way it is now, it reads like a short story without any serious characters, story development or such. It just lets out one or two slight ideas and then ends.
More material might of also excelerated this into more celebrated depths and intrigue.

Digitally Clean