#1
ahh, another OTS thing. Just random ranting/dribble shit. Don't even know why I'm posting it. C4C as usual. And yes, its another Macbeth refrence, I'm uncreative

on the knocking at the gate (confessions of an empty shell)

So I can't write anymore,
but that's okay,
I don't think I ever could,
just pretended so you all thought i was something,
special
oh well, not even Houdini could escape forever.

But I keep on writing anyway,
hoping something clever will slip between the cold lines,
of prose and weak rhymes,
space filling rubbish about love and life,
“you’re a poet, be creative!”
am I really that good at faking?
Last edited by kdownes at Oct 29, 2008,
#2
I love it. Don't have a much more constructive comment than that, except that I know how this feels
Q: Favourite Pink Floyd song?
A: The one where they get wicked high and play Emin and A for an hour.
#3
Just a quick thought, your first and last verse's were awesome, your middle two felt like filler. Ruined it for me. This might work better if you totally remove your middle two sections. Just leave it as a desperate thought on your situation. Making it brief would emphasise your lack of inspiration, desire and capabilities. I love the irony. Pointing out irony is so pathetic.

I apologize for my bluntness, its becoming very late and this internet connection and computer is super slow.
#4
I found that line break "something, special oh well" awkward, and the punctiation didn't fit. Besides that, it portraits mind blockage quite well and simply as it is.

On the second stanza, the last line seemed way too long but it was the best sentence until now.

The third stanza was just ok... seemed cold; blunt.

The last stanza makes it worth. It's just good and goes back to the main subject. There's nothing weak there.


Being this OTS, it's good, but not great. It has this feeling of dumping lines in the screen expecting to find some idea for a work to come; something like you say on the last stanza.

Nothing more to say, thanks for the comment on mine.
#5
the line break is there because its not, "thought i was something special", it's "thought i was something, special." They're two seperate words. I agree that that line is the best as well. Which is why I don't want to dump the two inner stanzas. Oh well, I'll think of something I suppose