#1
(promesse i'll read everyone's. promesssssse. for mat)


i'm a legionnaire,
mediterranean skin, alpine eyes,
and when the wind is high
i lift my hands up
to the sky
and let the salt
blow away--

sometimes, it's just not worth it's weight
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Oct 28, 2008,
#2
i'm a legionnaire,
mediterranean skin, alpine eyes,
and when the wind is high
i lift my hands up
to the sky
and let the salt
blow away--

sometimes, it's just not worth it's weight

I like. fin. lol. Sorry.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
only line I disliked was 'to the sky' - really could do without.
there than that, nothing to be said but, yes. it is good.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
beautiful.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
two things

get rid of "to the sky" it really isn't necessary
and put "blow away" on the same line as "and let the salt".

Apart from that, this was very good. Short and sweet
#7
put to the sky in brackets or get rid of it. it makes the flow sound kind of cheesy.

this was a great.
#8
fixed maybe?

Thank you all very much. <3
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
simple, direct, effective.

the parentheses do more harm than good, but they aren't all that bad.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
I disagree with the brackets. It's part of the sentence, and the brackets inject this little stutterstep in there that doesn't belong.

I also don't like the word "legionnaire". It's just not as direct as the rest of the piece, methinks.

Other than that, the language was direct and very enjoyable, but this felt like it was a couple lines short of ideal length.

That's all I can think to say. Nice work.
#12
I've been trying to find something good to say from the moment you posted this.

I've decided to screw thinking and say this was good.
#13
I agree with whoever said "blow away" should be on the same line as "let the salt", I disagree with whoever said you should remove the "to the sky". its maybe somewhat superfluous, but it does good things for the flow and feel of the poem so I'd prefer it left alone.

I thought this was pretty damned impressive. went through a few of your threads, didn't realize you had become quite the writer. niceeeeee.