blank as the night with stars in clouds
like winds from the north dry of love
breathe ceases as i walk toward her
the sweet smell of temptation takes over

first light of day, the truth, as it came to be
it was a lie nothing but a wild painfull dream
screaming silence alarming a wake up call
the perils of insanity taken its toll.

a faint flicker of hope, i as walk back
dogmatic, as i thought true love never falters
but the wrath of an angel showed me othewise
strong beer and whishkey one quater

foreverd this a charm
a minute appration floats around
a hue of white, fear a dance of hate
innocence a victim rise b4 its too late

eternal thoughts seemless ties
of lone drawn nights crawling along
names carved in cerebral lines
odes to liberty in fallacious cries

drink again and see me laugh
the nightmare u dream forever lasts
into light never again
in hell fire you dance again
IMO you need to scrap the last four verses. You've got something good going with the first two but the rest barely makes sense. You could do something with the third verse I guess but definitely get rid of the rest.
When altitude dropping, my ears started popping. One more red nightmare...
please read the rules in the announcement at the top of this forum

pay particular attention to the section on titles.


Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
I think the last four verse are alright, but there is definetly some confusion for me in verse 3 Wich I feel Throws off the rythem of the song/poem. But Then again maybe that is what you wanted. It seems like the last three verses are an aftermath of the first three Wich I liked because it creates structure.
As for a title how about

A lonley Sojourn

or maybe somthing simpler like


Oh Well thats the best I got right now