#1
Zach, this probably goes against the advice you've given me, but this is an area that I really want to get better at.
C4C, love monkeys


You're just a tool.
Nothing
without my hands.
I've seen you beg for their warmth

I've seen you buckle to pressure,
mold to the hammers face,
scatter-brained as you
struggle for your place
as master of your domain
so we can all rub your lamp,
and beat you off
so you can soak in your brilliance

I hope you drown in it
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Oct 22, 2008,
#2
Don't take me too seriously, it was simply a suggestion... and if this is where you want to go, go for it. I was just saying what seemingly helped me and made me more confident as a writer.

you're just a tool
nothing
without my hands
i've seen you beg for their warmth
their love

Puncutate, damnit. There is no reason not to in this context, and it would make reading this so much more pleasant to know how you wanted us to read the nothing and hte line breaks. So, let's be blunt: nothing was a neat line break... their love was meh. Seemed so pointless... we can infer it, and your next line spells it out for us. Don't double team me with that.

my guidance is love

i've seen you buckle to pressure,
mold to the hammers face,
scatter-brained as you
struggle for your place
as master of your domain
so we can all rub your lamp,
and beat you off
so you can soak in your brilliance

Dear God. This was good. Actually, after re-reading this again, I think I'd lose the love word all together. Just drop both of those lines. They add an extra sentiment that really isn't needed for this section. Make the love a shocker at the end. We can infer that's what you are feeling up to here and don't need it to cloud the imagery here.

I hope you drown in it

i love you
write a book
i want to fuck you
the self-made man

Don't get the book line... at all. In fact, it made me despise this section. How do tool's write books? I don't know, I think I just hated this closure all together. It doesn't close this, nor does it really make sense to me in context. If it were me, I'd cut off at: I hope you drown in it. It's such a good line... its such an amazing sentiment (the way I read it; using some sexual reference from the rest of this).




Good. Not great. Seemed like it had a lot of extra content that was completely unnecessary and distracting during my read.

-zC
#3
I'm afraid I feel like I'm missing something beautiful hidden within this. I just know there is something extra special, but I can't fully see it. Maybe I need to return.

I think your lack of punctuation, your dubious line breaks and incomprehensibly weird analogies all add to make this mush of ideas spread out over a page that are beyond any serious emotional attachment.

Like I said, there are a lot of thougths conjured when reading this, I just need you to say something more discernible. I need you to force thoughts upon; this too open.

Just my thoughts anyway. Maybe this will grow on me. It's one of those pieces that might just do that.
#4
To both, thanks. I will edit.

Zach:
The lack of punctuation (and capitals) was sort of an extreme approach on my part. I wanted to try something, and now maybe I can find that happy balance.

The "book" part was referring to some posts I see on these forums. Some of the guys here are very popular, and I see it on occasion, where people will tell them to release a book of their work. It was sort of a connection to that. I'm wondering whether it's worth it, though.

I'll hit whatever piece you post next.

Dan:
I will get back to you as soon as I figure out what to say
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Oct 22, 2008,
#5
I think the last line should have more relation to the tool. Think the first stanza is still a little rocky. It's that 'nothing' line break. Some more inventive punctuation there would make it work brilliantly.

This was great, Mr. Monkeh
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
You're just a tool.
Nothing
without my hands.
I've seen you beg for their warmth

I've seen you buckle to pressure,
mold to the hammer's face,
scatter-brained as you
struggle for your place
as master of your domain
so we can all rub your lamp,
and beat you off
so you can soak in your brilliance

I hope you drown in it

______________________

I think that sticking your last line in its own bit at the end is just an artificial way of trying to create impact. If there was honestly a reason for it being on its own then fair enough, but I don't see one. If it works, it will work in context.

I think this works well enough, but I don't quite see how someone who is just a tool and is begging for your hands is simultaneously trying to be master of their domain. As far as I can tell, if they are trying it's so negligible so as it make it pointless referring to it. WHat i'm trying to say is:

What is the character your describing? Dependent or independent? Being one or the other, I think, makes this poem strong but being stuck somewhere in the middle (they seem to me entirely dependent, but you've given them a sort of vague pretense of independence) stops the poem working so clearly.

and the tool thing. Works well as a first line, but by the end of it it doesn't really work. They're not a tool, they actually seem to lack the most obvious aspects of an analogy with tools: Purpose? Utility? Value? meh. So in the end the tool thing comes across as only really saying 'you lack value' or something like htat.

I liked the poem, I just don't think it was that... cohesive.

If you feel this deserves a returned crit: link in my sig (I warn you it's fairly long though)
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#7
there was no context to the piece and no characterization. there was a you and i but i had no idea who they were. some of the ideas and turns of phrase were cool but, i dunno, i didnt get any actual happenstance out of it besides anger, which isnt concrete enough for me to really care about it.

best thing you've posted to date though, for sure. godspeed.

#8
Damn, everyone has taken the words out of my mouth. I want to add that i think you need another stanza. Not the one you originally had though. It needs to be between the second stanza and the last line, just to clarify some things.