#1
Get all these other love songs out of my head.
None of these people know you.
They don't know the glaze over your eyes,
that cocky smile,
the infinitesimal space between your lip
and your mustache.

Just how freaked out you'd be if you read this.

So I choose either to drink, relieve my mind of the sting
or to transcend past thoughts of you and everything,
sit straight on my sofa and kick off my shoes,
left with nothing but a thick skull to get through to.
No 80s love songs to remind me of you,
no words, no poetry;
no profanity.

Fuck this spiritual crap,
I don't mean that.
It's just hard to meditate when you're piss-drunk and lonely.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Oct 23, 2008,
#2
I really liked this, particularly the first stanza and the line that follows. The middle stanza felt a little rambly, but if you're drunk, then it fits the character. I don't like the last line of the middle stanza. It feels tacked on, unrelated, and out of the stanzas character.

The second last stanza didn't do much for me. A little indescript, methinks. The last one was just you tying the story up: nothing good, nothing bad. The first two, however, were great. I get the feeling that you're taking your normal tone and flexing its usage a bit.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Oct 22, 2008,
#3
I didnt like the first verse though I can see where you're going with it. The last line I loved though, I havent really got much to add so I apologise for the poor crit. This just doesnt strike me as a peice that needs editing or correcting or reworking in any way, its great as it is even if the first verse doesnt appeal to me-thats just personal preference.

Could you take a look at mine? Tis called pragmatically speaking...ref 5.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#4
I didn't like the second-last stanza either. it was the only one there that let this piece down. I mean, the piece isn't a brilliant masterpiece, but it is very good, and its that one stanza that lets it down. Also, it just feels a bit lifeless now. Like your telling a story, but the story is someone elses. It doesn't quite have that pizzazz, that punch. But apart from that, no other issues
#5
Your opening stanza is so rampant with differing styles and emotions that it's nearly impossible to pin any particular thought process down. It creates an overly difficult reading format for the remainder of the piece, which is a little odd. I don't know what I should be thinking. It was very ambiguous. I wanted to have just a little notion, something you want me to be thinking and some sought of regular pattern to the writing style.

One minute it’s totally gritty and intense, the next it’s humorous. The next its entirely sad and depressing and the next it’s desperate, with an added mix of hopefulness. The confusion may suit the piece as a whole, I've not decided yet.
I don't believe your second last stanza was worth the effort, I think it actually removes a certain quality from this piece.

I've come to the conclusion that this was awesome. I love the hectic desperation in it, and your simply but eclectic way of describing how you are feeling is so degrading and seperate, whilst still being attainable to the reader. The genuiness is not overly evident, neither is the lack of clarity. It all blends to create something very unique and totally ****ed up.

Digitally Clean
#6
I'll get back to you all reight soon. Thank you.

I've edited this and some thoughts on the changes would be nice

I don't know, I feel like my last couple of pieces have been pretty hollow.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by DigUpHerBones

I don't know, I feel like my last couple of pieces have been pretty hollow.


My sentiments exactly, m'dear. There isn't much in this that genuinely feels heartfelt. Seems to me that you are rather low on inspiration as of late; could be true, could be not. Your last few (even this one after the changes) have been pleasant reads... but have no staying power. They don't pull me in, they don't grab me and yell at me. They're just on the page... and pretty. Like a stereotypical blonde sorority girls. Pretty to look at, but not much going on in the brain.

This was pleasant. No more, no less.
#8
I like the third stanza.

Slow down.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
Quote by ZanasCross
My sentiments exactly, m'dear. There isn't much in this that genuinely feels heartfelt. Seems to me that you are rather low on inspiration as of late; could be true, could be not. Your last few (even this one after the changes) have been pleasant reads... but have no staying power. They don't pull me in, they don't grab me and yell at me. They're just on the page... and pretty. Like a stereotypical blonde sorority girls. Pretty to look at, but not much going on in the brain.

This was pleasant. No more, no less.


Yeah, I guess.

I don't know. There are a few things/subjects that I really want to do justice to in my poetry. This is one of them. Haha, if someone wants to guess the pieces I've written that are about the same as this There are another two subjects, both of which I've attempted and haven't been able to express with anything powerful. Anything nearly worth it.

Bugger it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
I think what's lacking is a connection. I find when I read your poetry I have the same problem I used to have with Zach's work, that I felt like a voyeur, instead of anyone with any actual connection to the story. its like a birthday present wrapped up int really beautiful wrapping paper and pretty ribbons, but when you open it, its just an empty box. Maybe you need to try something different. I find if you stick at one thing for too long, it starts to become a chore. I don't know. Maybe it's just a phase

That piece you just posted in the FreePost, that is more what you need. Work on that one and post it, I can see a heck of a lot of potential.
Last edited by kdownes at Oct 23, 2008,