#1
Could suck, could be good. That's where you come in. C4C, et cetera. Based on a short poem I posted here a while ago. However, the way it turned out I didn't incorporate many lines of the previous one. Anywayyy:

I'm having trouble...
I don't know how to...
Coughing up words...
From hesitant throats...

My tongue is frozen
And absent
My mouth is broken
It stutters
My thoughts just can't seem to start
My lips are sealed, tightly shut
Sentencing sentences to the back of my mind
And my mind keeps muttering

Just break the silence
I don't care how you do it
Spinning like sirens
These words cut through it

I wish I could draw them
Back into me
They're out there now they're
Hanging there
Between us like a poison
Murdering all smaller thoughts
Sentencing sentences to the back of my mind
And my mind keeps fluttering

Past broken silence
I don't know how to fix it
Unblinking eyelids
Stare at the invisible bloodshed
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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^ Irony

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Oct 24, 2008,
#2
This is good! Only part I didnt like was

It stutters
Like an engine that can't start

I kindof feel like the simile was unnecessary and sortof drags compared to the rest that has an almost urgent feel to it (like a cough you might say!)

return crit? Its called "pragmatically speaking...ref 5."

[edit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=983690 theres the link ]
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
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#3
I realllly liked this! I agree with damn-right, the simile just didn't seem to fit. My favorite part of the piece was "sentencing sentences to the back of my mind." that play on words was just brilliant! crit for crit? Crumpled Money and a Fake Phone Call, it's in the sig.
#4
Lovely structuring. I was hoping to find something in the skeleton to criticize, but it all works very well, especially the medium/short/medium/short/long/medium/long/medium pattern in the larger stanzas. It's obvious you've put a lot of thought into (obviously, as this is a mutation of an older work), and there really is little to change - I got a great tense, neurotic vibe from some invisible socially inept narrator. I think though, trouble lies when your diction gets a little "out there" - it breaks the feel with exaggeration. I think this is best exemplified with the ending line "stare at the invisible bloodshed" - maybe put there to give a shocking closer, but seemed a little too sensational without the impact. Great read, though, just middling little details. Don't change much.

Kudos for "sentencing sentences", btw.

Return the favor?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=984107
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Quote by crazypeanutman

damn yertle, you got some groove
#5
I like the imagery and I definitely feel the neurotic vibe that Yertle pointed out.

Also a little thing I liked
"I wish I could draw them
Back into me"
The way this was separated into two lines really has a good effect on the sentence. Kudos.

although I'll be the only person to say this i didn't like "sentencing sentences" part because it seemed a little too gimmicky to me. To me, it was almost so blatantly clever that it draws the reader's attention away from the flow. Like I said though, I'm probably the only person who thought that And that's more relevant to the piece as a poem, not as a song.

Care to crit one of mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=985214
#6
Thanks people, and you're right, it is gimmicky, but I just love wordplay and twisting language around, so it's something which is present in a lot of my writing.

Anyway, I'll get to all of these tomorrow when I've had a bit more sleep.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT