#1
This is a return to lyrical form, view it in any way you want.

Children Draw Cars on Dusty TV screens

You’re one of those girls that I like
but don't know how to love.
Even with your soft-core
pornography clips posted
on YouTube,
I'm still not allowed to see you naked.

TV screens that have never been dusted,
teen queens arguing over
knickers without a twist.
My wondering eyes
pass over their dirty faces -
it’s the only thing I notice.

Instead of news reports on bombing,
Paris Hilton and her ongoing feud,
we now see spotty faces
with hands over their eyes;
a game of hide and seek with a
blind, retarded child.

Without the kids we are nothing,
but she was one I could have done without.

You’re one of those girls that I like
but don’t know how to love.
Even with a wedding band
running rhymes around
badly drawn rhythms,
I cannot place my finger straight.

Childhood friends undercover of night.
Fibre glass patterns
letting their warmth grow.
Giggles about boys -
I hope it is me
they are referring to.

A stale breeze lifts their skirts,
I stare with the whites of my eyes;
picket fences without a
gap to blindly shoot through.
I take a mental note of their
panties: Piglet and Superman.

Digitally Clean
#2
Childhood friends undercover of night.
Fibre glass patterns
letting their warmth grow.
Giggles about boys -
I hope it is me
they are referring to.


This was fine until the last line. I'm sorry but it is terrible.

I also hated: picket fences without a gap to blindly shoot through It felt unnecassary and disrupted what you were saying.

One of the main problems with this is it floats between straight forward and ambigous, and it does it really sharply. There is no nice slide between the two, it chops and changes and it drives me nuts.

Apart from those lines, the rest of the piece wasn't too bad. I liked the first stanza a lot. The rest felt a little weak, especially the ones i pointed out. The ending was good, but that little bit let it down. The third stanza was the weakest I think. Though the imagery is nice, its nothing new and nothing special. What you state in the first stanza doens't really seem to resonate throughout the rest of the piece. Its like saying "today, I'm going to talk about chocolate" then raving on about the second world war. Sure, they had chocolate then, but what is the relevance. I had trouble finding a clear theme to this piece. It's like you had a lot of ideas and just threw them at the page to see what stuck.

That's all I can say.

There's a new one in my sig, though I don't see why you should crit it, unless you want to return the favour
#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
This is a return to lyrical form, view it in any way you want.

Children Draw Cars on Dusty TV screens

You’re one of those girls that I like
but don't know how to love.
Good opener
Even with your soft-core
pornography clips posted
on YouTube,
shoot me, I didn't like how the line breaks effected the flow here, went back-and-forth too much
I'm still not allowed to see you naked.
Good line

TV screens that have never been dusted,
teen queens arguing over
knickers without a twist.
You introduced this idea as an idea rather than something in connection with what you were saying before... 'TV screens' rather than 'the TV screens that...'
My wondering eyes
pass over their dirty faces -
it’s the only thing I notice.
A little too explicit here. You don't need to say it's the only thing you notice if you describe the face a little more; if that's all you describe, it shows that that's all you see enough to be effective

Instead of news reports on bombing,
Paris Hilton and her ongoing feud,
we now see spotty faces
with hands over their eyes;
Without rhyme here it felt dull. I think you know that the word choice is awkward.
a game of hide and seek with a
blind, retarded child.
Not bad, worked better than the rest of this stanza

Without the kids we are nothing,
but she was one I could have done without.
Explicit.

You’re one of those girls that I like
but don’t know how to love.
Even with a wedding band
running rhymes around
badly drawn rhythms,
I cannot place my finger straight.
This stanza could be so awesome. Deep, deep description about the feeling going through the finger and empowering it, but then that last line. Vivid imagery and this would be incredible

Childhood friends undercover of night.
Fibre glass patterns
letting their warmth grow.
Giggles about boys -
I hope it is me
they are referring to.
I feel like this stanza isn't really needed, it could be improved upon, but it's weak next to the rest

A stale breeze lifts their skirts,
I stare with the whites of my eyes;
picket fences without a
gap to blindly shoot through.
I take a mental note of their
panties: Piglet and Superman.
This was off on a tangent from the start of this piece. Was like you had so many ideas that you tried to fit them all in with a stanza each, but this one here didn't quite tie it all together.

Digitally Clean


This could be so, so strong.
So.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
i could be a dead miss on this bro, but i don't think it's ever a good idea to let eccentricism(if that's even a word) flow into your writing. it's good to sound vulnerable, and if that's your character, then fine; but the way your write sometimes makes your tone sound a little more vulnerable than what should suit, imo.
that being said, i think this poem is good; but not great.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
idk man, maybe it's just me.
sometimes though i just think you should make your pen do some cock-pushups if that makes any sense at all.
if it doesn't, please disregard me with the utmost prejudice.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
It's taken me several days to conjure up the words to sum this piece up. That being said, here's my take:

This piece didn't cut like a scalpel. Its images weren't sharp enough, and didn't have enough pop. Sometimes you dwelled too long on one description, and it dulled the impact of the point considerably (the third stanza comes to mind). Many of the stanzas ended on an anti-climactic note and tone (particularly the first half. The couplet and the last one were the only things that ended properly). Everything you said just felt so poorly delivered, so blunt, that alot of it felt indescript, like you didn't take the time to truly give it its place. And I'm thinking part of it is your return to lyrics (which I may be totally wrong on, but its my only guess).

Sorry, but I just wasn't really feeling this one.