I wrote this in class and sanded off the edges at home. Labyrinths is the working title. No music yet.

Labyrinths of mortal concern
Entangle our reason
These pathways must hold
The mind's salvation

Eclipsed beneath the veil
Meager, brooding beneath
Shrouds that whisper death
The silence of uncertainty

Familiar semblance lingers
Obtain nothing but what is
At somatic, lethargic reach
Essence conceived from the apparent

Untried is this intrigue beyond
Untried is the life existing at a realm
Beyond our reach, yet within grasp
Enshrined is our ancient spirit
Enshrined by raw immunity

The distant vision that is our future
Held with the mightiest of our perils
Subconscious anomalies beg to unravel
But an inquest must be had

Quandaries that seek to enlighten
Faint is the path to light
Dim, the stone blocks that lie
Faded and worn by time

A portal beyond this uniformity
It lies ahead, its presence
Ever more lucid than the celestial
Its existence all the more physical
I've found Jesus
Appropriately cyptic. I'll offer what simplistic comments I can -
- It seemed to me there was a basic metaphor of a labyrinth as a manifestation of the questions plaguing human existence and philosophically minded folks like yourself. As you don't seem to push towards any conclusions or (as far as I could tell) specific questions, but rather end by reemphasizing a portal and potential escape, I think the work as a whole could benefit from a greater infusion of stone, physical maze imagery - to keep it grounded, and hold the reader's attention when the diction and ideas get loftier.
- Structural, I couldn't help but think that complicated syntax running parallel to the thematic material might have a greater overall impact, especially if you worked in some more physical descriptions. I'm not completely sure how the bulge in the center progresses your goals, but I did sympathize with the idea of block-like stanzas. I just think it could be improved.

Anyway. I liked it.
Ernie Ball Musicman Stingray > Digitech BP200 > Gallien Krueger 400RBIII/115

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