#1
Ill-concieved prosperity;
we emptied our pockets before we filled our stomachs...

I'm hungry to find something different
but my feet have a bad habit of disobeying where my heart dictates.
and without direction, I'm the nomad I remember mocking those long nights.
nights that laughter would reverberate through our speakeasies.

My safety safehouse is closing it's doors soon
I took no time in departing.
So now I'm tracing my steps; but not in search of enlightenment, No:

We are running in circles.

I have seen these places before.

My rearview will be shattered by the time I'm ready to leave.
Nikolas
#2
Quote by ROCK=ZEPPELIN
Ill-concieved prosperity;
we emptied our pockets before we filled our stomachs... this made me think about pokie machines. How everyone spends all their money on the pokies and then can't afford to eat. I realise that this is a much bigger metaphor, but that's the first thing that popped into my head on reading it. Great introduction

I'm hungry to find something different
but my feet have a bad habit of disobeying where my heart dictates. I like the fact that you used "where" here instead of "what". Adds a bit of ambiguity and strengthens the atmosphere you've been building
and without direction, I'm the nomad I remember mocking those long nights. EIther get rid of that comma, or better yet, use a line break instead. Also, no full stop, it ruins the flow, use a comma.
nights that laughter would reverberate through our speakeasies.

My safety safehouse is closing it's doors soon i love "safety safehouse"
I took no time in departing.
So now I'm tracing my steps; but not in search of enlightenment, No: I think "No:" should have its own line

We are running in circles.

I have seen these places before.

My rearview will be shattered by the time I'm ready to leave. great last line. probably your best


Well, an impressive piece i must say. You get your point across without hitting me in the face with a wet fish and you ahve some really clever and original lines here. I think your biggest issue here is flow. There are some points where it hiccups a little. I've pointed out as many as I can, should give you something to go on. Overall, a solid piece of work. Any link in my sig if you want to return the favour. Hell, why not do them all?