#1
got bored in english, explains the (yes, another) Macbeth refrence. pretty much OTS. Let me know what you think.

the serpent underneath

the first thing i remember?
butterflies;
in the field, butterflies(?)
like leaves, littering the ground,
hanging in the air, floating,
graceful
then nothing

hands

inside, outside,
scolding…


butterflies,
sweet, innocent, colourful
like broken glass (NO!)
like flowers, yes, flowers,
fresh flowers
then

hands inside,
outside,
someone screaming (me?)
“no, no, no…”


NO!
the butterflies!
but they are gone and I am (gone) alone
in red-tipped field of green
glinting in the harsh artificial light
laid bare before prying eyes
the coldness in my soul mocking the burning between my legs
Last edited by kdownes at Oct 24, 2008,
#2
Quote by kdownes
got bored in english, explains the (yes, another) Macbeth refrence. pretty much OTS. Let me know what you think.

the serpent underneath

the first thing i remember?
butterflies;
in the field, butterflies(?)
like leaves
littering the ground
hanging in the air
then nothing
this could be greatly improved with delicate punctuation. As is, there's one very snappy technique being used to keep the reader involved, and that's it. So you could take it two ways: delicate punctuation, make this as beautiful as possible, or a more meter like flow, make it bouncy and easier on the brain

hands

inside, outside,
scolding…

butterflies,
the way this was repeated felt a little clumsy. The double meaning and all is good, but the introduction with ... was a bit childish
sweet, innocent, colourful
like broken glass (NO!)
again with this bracket
like flowers, yes,
flowers
fresh flowers
then nothing
I don't think 'then nothing' is a strong enough statement to hold together the whole way the piece is meant to be going

hands inside,
outside,
someone screaming (me?)
“no, no, no…”

NO!
the butterflies!
but they are gone and I am (gone) alone
gone are the flowers
the red-tipped field of green,
glinting in the harsh artificial light,
the coldness in my soul mocking the burning between my legs.
Glad it finally got to some strong imagery, but you chose what I saw as quite simple ways to explain it, when it could've gone further


This could be improved and become something really good. As is, it didn't hit me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
I'm afraid I don't have anything to add that Katherine above hasn't already made clear. There just wasn't enough deep imagery in here to really connect to it.

Sorry for being brief, I appreciate the comment you left.
#4
Thanks guys, I understand what you're saying. I thought it was lacking that some deeper imagery as well, I just wasn't sure where to add to it. Did you guys at least get the general gist of the poem, or do i need to make that clearer as well?
#5
I wouldn't ask me that as I am terrible at understanding the initial jist of a poem or song, sorry. I always come up with my own version, whether it is the same as yours is irrelevant. Not in this case, of course, though.
#6
Well, I'll explain the story and hopefully someone will be able to give me a hand working on this. It's a poem about someone who was raped and assaulted. it begins during the assault while her mind is desperately scrambling to grab onto something she can use to escape what's happening to her, but reality keeps intervening. The last stanza is after the assault when she realises that she is lying in an alley surrounded by broken glass and blood.
#7
I thought it was about that. I didn't know it was about reciting a story, I thought it was about something more personal and depraved, but the idea is strong enough as it is if you ask me. Saying that, I didn't want to just say, 'hey, this is about rape, isn't it'?
#8
I think that the ending needs to be more hard hitting, and the beginning much more delicate.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
OK, thanks for the help guys. I'll look over it again this arvo and see if I can't do anything.
#10
I really liked this. Its like looking at an outline of a picture (in a good way) The pictures there but theres room to interpret and imagine the colours between the lines. I think adding more imagery might take away from the feeling of this peice.
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