#1
Orange and White Trim

I can almost forget it;
the color of her house,
the day she left.
It's been so long.
Houses can be painted
what I cannot.

If only it were so easy.

I stare.
It's so bright.
Mocking me,
taunting me.
Every memory,
retold
in orange
and white trim.

Every time I see it,
it all floods back.
A testament
to what I can't forget.


I could almost forget it:
everything she said.
If she said anything at all.
It's been so long.
People can forget
what I cannot.

If only it were so easy.
#2
You posted. Yey!

I've missed reading your stuff. HOWEVER, this was... um... not so good. As in the piece, "If only it were so easy" springs to mind. This was so airy and light and... easy. The content was just oozing with emotion, but the diction and phrasing and colloquialisms just didn't match it. I liked some of the repetition, though I did think some of it was just too much.

I guess to me, the words were just so safe. The sentiment is there, but you've not said anything that wouldn't be said in everyday conversation about happy things. I needed angrier or at least more desperate or more determined words. These floated somewhere between happy and indifferent; if that makes sense.

I didn't really like the first stanza either. I thought that drawing a connection between the color of her house the day she left was weird, considering unless he repaints the house a dozen times a year, it was probably the same color the day she left as it was the day you first met her and the same color as it is now. I could be looking to deep, but that bothered me even on the first read. To me, I'd rather start on the single line, and end on the single line. It's like a built in content punctuation and a self-closing mechanism for the piece.

Well, to be blunt.. I just didn't like this. Like I said, there was just too much dissonance between the content and the word choice (which has been my kick of late, noticing that difference). I don't mind a little dissonance, but this was just monumentally different.

Hope you're sticking around this time. And posting more again.

-zC
#3
It was intended to be wistful.. and the "happy" color of the house was supposed to clash with the (supposedly) more melancholy tone of the poem. Was that the only dissonance you were talking about?

That's all I can say, as regards to tone.
I'm happy with it when I re-read it.

I don't really understand your problem with the relation between the house and the day she left. They painted the house after she left. That's all I was really saying (literally, anyway).

Other than those two things, I totally see where you're coming from. Thanks for your critique.
#4
I had a huge critique of this and everything crashed. So, before it does it again, I'm going to say I really liked this. It was so simple, stock full of emotive trimmings that are perfectly clear and rampant, yet not wedged in your face like a rude boy threatening you with a baseball cap on.

I might come back and re-read this - I really did enjoy it - and explain myself again, afterall, it didn't take very long; fifteen minutes is not long...

By the way, all the friends in my congregation are all encouraging me to save up and travel to Hawaii to the International Convention. They say it will totally rearranged the way you see the truth, especially if you are lacking in regards you really want to improve in.

It was great to here from you again, Pete.

Let me know if you want anymore critique on this piece.
#5
buddy i feel every ounce of your pain right now running through every vein, bone, and thought in my body.

i think this said exactly what you intended, and wanted, to say; nothing more.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
Well i probably have to agree with most of what Zanascross has already put, having said that i did enjoy the piece - it just didn't seem "epic" - as in you wouldn't remember it or really define it. Your language choice is good, but as already said by others, its nothing beyond basic, however you've used it to great extent that you immediately sense this raw emotion which i like.

To a degree, its "more filler, less killer"....
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#7
Yeah the airy vibe floating over such an emotional and almost dark content just really throws me for a loop. The "wistful" touch in the colloquialisms and simplicity just clash with the content for me, that's all the dissonance I was talking about.

As to the paint, I didn't draw from this that it was changed. I looked at this for quite a while and never noticed it. All the said, if you are happy with it, certainly don't change it. It says what you want... and that's all the can be asked from a poem.

All THAT said, its growing on me with every re-read.
#8
Quote by my name is Pete
Orange and White Trim

I can almost forget it;
the color of her house,
the day she left.
It's been so long.
Houses can be painted
what I cannot.
I loved this section. It really is stock full of simplistic tension and emotive chords. The only problem I have with this is the way your last sentence is worded. There was no build up to your unrecognizable wording and if there was, I would understand the feeling you are trying to convey with your desperate emotions and collective ramblings. I would notice how you are falling apart because of a certain loose.
I hope I was clear enough there?


If only it were so easy.
I wasn't overly keen on this. As a chorus/hook, its fine, but as a section on its own in a poem, it doesn't hold a whole lot of credence. If it’s one line, it really needs to shine through like a candle with the sun as its personal trainer. As it is now, it just provides a little unfortunate and unneeded break, whilst lending a chorus/hook to the piece.

I stare.
It's so bright.
Mocking me,
taunting me.
Every memory,
retold
in orange
and white trim.
This is good. Very little I can add that I reckon you should change. The term "It's so bright" is a little simple, but maybe that's all that is required. Although this is used fairly often in other pieces, the last painted picture of the orange, luminous memory stuck in your subconscious drags it from the clichéd and places it neatly into something more intelligent and different. More personal to you as a character and that's all a reader needs.

Every time I see it,
it all floods back.
A testament
to what I can't forget.
I would of preferred "can't" to be 'cannot' but I noticed you have used that term in the next section so maybe you used "can't" to keep things different and separate. This verse was a little bland. It really is just repeating, or more saying something we already guessed you were going through. It's nice writing, but far from anything new and original and it doesn't quite smack you in the emotional throat and rip out your Adam's apple.


I could almost forget it:
everything she said.
If she said anything at all.
It's been so long.
People can forget
what I cannot.
This was awesome simplicity. Nothing else I can add I'm afraid.

If only it were so easy.
I much preferred this as an ending than a repeated line. If you removed the previous repeat of this line earlier on in the poem, it would allow this to stand its ground stronger and firmer. More determined to end this in a poetic and sad manner. It really is quite sorrowful and you need one existence of sorrow to know life is crap. Less is more, I reckon anyway.


Digitally Clean
#9
the idea of the house being painted after she left was glorious.

the rest fell into what, for me, was just overly simplistic sentimentality. you conveyed what was intended, or what it appears was intended, in the first stanza alone (and that deemed the rest pretty redundant).
#10
Orange and White Trim

I can almost forget it;
the color of her house,
the day she left.
It's been so long.
Houses can be painted
what I cannot.
i didn't care for the wording of the last two lines.
it makes for a clumsy read.
i had to think about it for a moment, to get that you were referring to the colours.
maybe something about houses being able to wear colours you can't? idk.


If only it were so easy.
this stands out nicely, being a singleton.
changing so to that might be a nice move.


I stare.
It's so bright.
Mocking me,
taunting me.
Every memory,
retold
in orange
and white trim.

Every time I see it,
it all floods back.
A testament
to what I can't forget.


I could almost forget it:
everything she said.
If she said anything at all.
It's been so long.
People can forget
what I cannot.

If only it were so easy.


it's a comfortable piece. understated.
but not much imagery, sonics, or wordplay.
i've seen better from you, but this is plenty good.
it's good to read you again.
Meadows
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