This is just something that I play by myself for my bandmates when our drummer is setting up, but, I'm bored and felt like posting SOMETHING. It's about breaking up with someone and years later realizing your mistake but they've already moved on (which ironically enough, hasn't happened to me).


(Verse 1)
Touche, I say
Now would you please go away
Girl you know you can't be late
To catch the last train
Back to hell

And you say in your lovely way
That I was wrong and I can't complain
And you don't even hesitate
Whey you tell me
To go f*** myself

Who's to say who's to blame?
No I refuse to play that game
But I bet it's safe to say
That we both played
Our parts pretty well

So goodbye, have a nice day
A good life, I hope your happy
Cause god knows I will feel the same
When your just an old
Photo on the shelf

As the years go by, and I live my life
You don't even cross my mind

(Verse 2)
Til one day on the subway
It rained on me like a hurricane
That I've made a huge mistake
That I didn't realize
I've been paying for

So quickly I turn the page
Til I stumble across your name
And the number with it said
That you don't live here

So I drive til I find the place
With the white fence and it's pretty plain
The two cars gave it away
That you did just
What I implored

So happy, you'll stay that way
No you won't even see my face
Til there comes that fateful day
When I have what
Is only yours

As the years go by, and I live my life
You don't even cross my mind

(Verse 3)
Finally, I have to say
That moment will have to wait
And by my death bed you'll have to pray
That today god will take a break

How fitting it ends this way
That you'd be my last embrace
For one day when you feel the same
I'll see you at the gates
Knock, Knock

Who's there?

I Fucked your sister
The first few lines are awkward, there some good elemnts, i liked the who's to blame part, but you isolate the last line of that bit when its dependant on the line above.
The piece failed to hold my attention as i read it (this may say more about me than the song,) it maybe needs condensing.

Some things will improve with practice, like some the rhymes were clumsy (embrace, gates) and you use a lot of metaphors, but don't retain a theme.
Keep at it!

crit mine?