#1
Right, overall i'm happy with this, but i need some advice on a few things, and crit for crit

I'm feeling well, thanks for asking,
not doing much, just relaxing
Lazy day, beer and tv,
Not quite sure what i'm gonna see,
or watch, for that matter,
not that I think it matters.

I miss you,
but last night I was too pissed to.
I counted all the times that he kissed you
and all that I ever say or do
is just another moment in my life

Yes I'm feeling better,
not so under the weather,
It's been three days or maybe four
since I first saw what I saw,
and I saw an eye sore,
I'm seeing more and more.

Excite me,
Ignite me, so I can burn brightly,
I don't think that I'm unsightly,
but all I ever say or do
is just another moment in my life.

I miss my revolution,
turning away from your constitution,
I miss my revolution,
Searching all day for my next solution


ok, so my problems are; I don't like constitution, it sounds too American, and I was thinking maybe institution, but I'm unsure.

Next problem is "Excite me" should i change it too "incite me" so it has more relevance to the revolution bit?

Thanks!
#2
Institution is a much better word to use than constitution, IMO.
Incite me is also a nice alternative to 'excite'. I'd go for the change.
It looks like you've got your editing under control.

The punctuation feels odd in this. I'd elaborate but I can't put my finger on it. It's a bit much combined with all the line breaks.
The concept of the poem is great and you have some lovely lines. I especially like:
"I miss you,
but last night I was too pissed to.
I counted all the times that he kissed you"
and
"Ignite me, so I can burn brightly,
I don't think that I'm unsightly,
but all I ever say or do
is just another moment in my life."

The ending could be stronger.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
I think the first two stanzas were great, usually rhyming a word with itself,in this case "matter" doesnt really work well but in this case the wording had it fit well.

Ithink incite me would be a better word to use than excite me but the next 2 lines having brightly and unsightly didnt seem to go well.As for the last stanza, too many "tions "for my liking. Over all the flow was nice and my fav stanza is definately the 2nd...nice ....I just put up a tune called "Go Away"...appreciate a crit...