#1
Maybe I Will Find...

Standing facing the wall...
I looked at the painting and could not see.
What had I painted before?
What did I want say?

That stroke is long, and skinny.
This one is wide and deep with red and yellow.
Maybe it was the light inside me once before?
Maybe it was blood from my leg?
You know the cut that is now just a mere scare.
I feel the pain and joy in the painting.
I can not breath
Why am I so scared!
Maybe I will find truth, life, joy or pain.....(nothing)
#2
Maybe I Will Find...

Standing facing the wall...
I looked at the painting and could not see.
What had I painted before?
What did I want say?

The introduced confusion verging on desperation sucks the reader in - i can really imagine this as being me in a real life situation.

That stroke is long, and skinny.
This one is wide and deep with red and yellow.
Maybe it was the light inside me once before?
Maybe it was blood from my leg?
You know the cut that is now just a mere scar.
I feel the pain and joy in the painting.
I can not breath
Why am I so scared!
Maybe I will find truth, life, joy or pain.....(nothing)
Maybe I will find truth, life, joy, pain, or nothing..... (Just my suggestion)

Okay, so, first off i have to say reading it through i thought it was really funny (though i am sure you didn't mean it that way) because sometime soon i am going to be having an exam myself in IB (International Baccalaureate) Art and i am going to be going through the same thing - trying desperately to remember what the paintings are about that i did. I could also really identify with the emotions.

The second stanza; The way the line on the painting is compared to a result of cutting is... well... interesting - i know what the main character is going through, i went through it myself. The way the stanza comes to a close with the character inferring that he/she is afraid of baring the meaning of their paintings to people because it would show everyone the character is depressed.
I really REALLY like it, it really speaks to me and i can identify with it.

IF the character is the author here; it will get better, i know it doesn't say much but i speak from experience - it does.

Zenedit;
If you do C4C i would appreciate a crit on;
Rain
Originally Posted by venom0014
yeaaaaa, i love you zenmaestro in a non gay way

^Of course Venom, everybody does.

Originally Posted by Will_Minus
This guy knows the score.

You see? Someone knows the score.
Last edited by Zenmaestro at Oct 23, 2008,