#1
Corners

They say the world is round,
Yet everyone has a corner,
A piece of their own divine,
Some sit in solace weeping,
Seconds drying with their tears,
They weep through uncertainty and into infinity,
Sheltered from the rough air they’ve breathed in their entire lives,
Some stand in shame facing the past,
Their Reflections beautiful without the mirror,
They hide forever in their masks,
I consider myself blessed, to be alone, sitting on a curb,
My corner where we meet,
Because I know when I see her smile,
Uncertainty and infinity have been worth the wait.
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
Last edited by Andzee at Oct 24, 2008,
#3
Wow , the 1st 3 lines are great, i think "their" is the word you want to use in some places, if not my bad.Not sure why you use "stood on a curb" rather than "stand" but that line is great too. nice poem.
#4
They say the world is round,
Yet everyone has a corner,
A piece of their own divine,
Some sit in solace weeping,

solace, weeping maybe? that line seems a bit rushed to me, and I don't like those two words together, they sound contradicting.


Seconds drying with their tears,
They weep through uncertainty and into infinity,
Sheltered from the rough air they’ve breathed in their entire lives,
Some stand in shame facing the past,
Their Reflections beautiful without the mirror,
They hide forever in their masks,
I consider myself blessed, to be alone, sitting on a kerb,


curb : )

My corner where we meet,
Because I know when I see her smile,
Uncertainty and infinity have been worth the wait.

-sigh, ending in romance.
I guess thats how you feel when youre having feelings for someone, but in general, sappy writing turns out just like that, sappy.

thanks for the crit on mine though
#5
I liked this, but also agree with inthegrey about the solace line seeming a bit out of place (not that it doesn't fit.. it does). I think the last 4 lines of the song seem off and out of place. When first reading through this (minus the last 4 lines), I'm left with the sense of sadness. This takes a 180° in the last few lines, this may be what you were intending to do though. Anyway, I'm new to critiquing others, so pardon me if my crits lack substance, and thanks for the C4C on We're Not That Different
#6
I can't decide if I like this or not. To me, it doesn't seem to have that great of flow, I could be reading it differently than you do though.

Sheltered from the rough air they’ve breathed in their entire lives,

This line seems to be the worst, though there are other one's that seem to be lacking in flow as well. That's really my only complaint with this piece, it's just this was an overwhelming problem for me so I couldn't fully enjoy it..C4C? Crumpled Money and a Fake Phone Call--it's in the sig. Thanks dude.
#7
The language is good, the imagery is good, the overall idea is good, and yet I feel like this is lacking something. I'm not sure if it's the general absence of a flow (there's no discernable rhythm to it, try keeping to a specific syllable length per line) or just the fact that it felt as though everything else was a buildup to the last 4 lines (which are great), but I didn't think this was great. The second half ("Some stand in shame..." onwards) is definitely better than the first, but I didn't really connect to this that much. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't good either.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=983790
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