#1
into the vagina.

header: pfft, i've been writing alot of this crap lately and i figured i'd post one.
i hope you enjoy.


-Charlene-
Oh my God,
it's Little Red Riding Hood
in a Hyundai hatchback.
smoking Camel Lights
talking to her gay male companion
on her phone
fixing her hair and makeup
and yelling at the senior
in a Crown Vick
doing 24 in a 25-zone
in front of her.
when i call and beep in,
she curses me and tells
me that she's trying to drive;
that i can't always be
#1 on her "important list."
...
rrrrrrrright about the time i get a
notion to have a nice,
warm mug of hot cocoa with
the beautiful red head next door.
Dear God,
please let one thing lead to another.

i'll still be in love with you though,
tomorrow, Char.
guess the joke's on me.

-Oz-
dreams of highschool.
rockstars, we were;
and shall be again, one day.
i'll sing the lady's part of
"Great Gig in the Sky"
while you cover Wright's
part on the piano.
Mr. Oz, the piano man.
and don't worry;
we'll still marvel at the
connotations of a nice, ripe
bud before we smoke it.
age has nothing to do with this,
at least,
when you're constantly thinking
you could die at any given moment.
what a good song.

-Merl-
buddy,
you've got some kind of nuts
to do what you do.
6'5" hercules jolly green
giant italian defiant
to the mouth of any woman;
yet you herd them in
like sheep.
how do you do it, ya big galoot?
sa-lute.
8 1/2 years we've been
best friends.
i'd lie down in traffic for you.
it's a good feeling to know that
i can call you a wop
without the fear of being shot
by gangsters
from a Godfather flick.

-Robcabob-
kind, kind, young man.
when will you be yourself, again?
when will you take your heart
back from the wicked witch
of the west-end?
when 80 milligrams of synthetic
heroin, times 4,
does not down a man anymore
than what he was before;
better close the closet door
and open up that bible, friend.
there is love far beyond
the fencing of your imagination.
just, scroll down past the she-devil
on your speed-dial and
we'll meet behind the old fire station.
you'll find us waitin' with a carafe
of buzzing youth, just for you.
i'll even wear my Johnny-B hat
with the feather in it.

to everyone, else:
there's all kinds of love in the world, and i swear it's trying to find you.
even after 4 years of dedication to someone who still isn't fully aware of your existence;
even after the music, the seasons of friendship,
and the toll paid to hard drugs and alcohol that still remain, secretly, as the occasional loan shark.
i've found that there's no better feeling than the smell and touch of an old book.
second to that, maybe small talk, or a look from someone you'd like to mean something to you.
i love you all; friend or foe.

unfortunately though,
none of those mentioned, will ever read this poem.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Oct 25, 2008,
#2
thats trippy man,but its good.
Ibanez sz720fm,Ibbly RG350DX, Custom Tele-> Dunlop 535Q->RAT Pro co II-> Ibanez Fuzz->Marshall Haze 40.
Tascam US-800 and a hand full of Mics into Nedundo 4

my music, new recording on the way in 2014

[B]insert witty italicized quote here
#4
Quote by nightraven
yeah i was thinking that, all the pitmonkeys will see the title of this from the forum index
lol, oh well.
all in the name of art.

or, as i call whatever this is: shit.


...
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
okay, I'll be the first to admit I only came cause of the title (oh shit...shouldn't say that). I only "looked" cause of the title

But i expected some piece of shit poem by some wierd kid, but I got a heartfelt confession and story of mateship and life. Well done! I have no complaints.

Sorry, not much of a crit
#6
You rocked this idea. My new favorite from you.

The end I'm curious about; have they passed away, or is it simply because you don't intend to show them?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
this is the best piece of writing i have read in a long time. thank you.
Break Dance Not Hearts

Quote by Vicious Sid
He pulled little Timmy out of his electric wheelchair
Broke his good arm and made him eat his own hair
The End.
#9
I wish I could give you something constructive, buuuuuuuut this piece is pure genius (to me)...so don't change a thing...
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#11
honest.
pure.
gold.
heartfelt.
f uckin awesome.
if i could be this true about life without getting into piss and moan mode i would love it.
this teeters on the edge perfectly, like a man thats about to jump and says everything he has ever needed to.
then goes anyways.
#12
wow this is absolutely perfect. the whole thing seemed really real, but everyone has said that already lol, so I'll just point out the little things throughout that I thought were ****ing great:

"...
rrrrrrrright about the time i get a "

I love this part, it's pretty clever, although its hard to explain why

"Dear God,
please let one thing lead to another."

Once again a little thing but the transition to a personal quip is brilliant here

"i'll even wear my Johnny-B hat
with the feather in it."

favorite line in the poem, though I don't know why. It just hits home and reinforces the realness of the whole thing

honestly, great job. I love the free verse story poems, I just wish I knew how to write them haha. anyways care to crit one of mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=984866
#13
Quote by #1 synth
yeah, this shit's great.

Quote by ZanasCross
This is a golden nugget. There were parts here and there I was like, "Really?" but as a whole it worked like a slave child.


These.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#16
- "even after 4 years of dedication to someone who still isn't fully aware of your existence;" - Only line that wowed me.

I think you're stuff is turning into a form of vomit. If vomit tasted sweet, then that's what this would be. It just seems to be a huge clump of crazy ideas and odd wordings lashed together to talk about love. Sometimes I just want something simple, honest and humbling. This makes me feel like an incoherent looser.
I don't love this because it's clever, I enjoyed it because it was smart and detailed; nothing more.

- "she curses me and tells
me that she's trying to drive;
that i can't always be
#1 on her "important list."" - I liked this line; actually made the first verse worth reading and changed it from being a big bunch of words into something reachable and desperate.

- "age has nothing to do with this,
at least,
when you're constantly thinking
you could die at any given moment.
what a good song." - Once again, I was bored reading the verse containing this section, but when this arrived, I was reinvigorated to read on in attention.

I liked your drug reference.
The entire last verse was good stuff.

Digitally Clean
#17
^well i'm glad you paid attention to the header.
thanks everyone.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#18
dr. otto octavius. absolutely incredible. the rhythm was there, the wit, the beauty. everything.

i'd take out the comma after "look" in the fourth from last line.
#19
Quote by ottoavist
^well i'm glad you paid attention to the header.
thanks everyone.


Vaginas can be related to love. It should be anyway.

I was just sparking off the first things that came to my head... I figured out you shouldn't do that.
#20
^i'm just happy you read it.
i'm even happier it provoked you enough to comment, friend.

what makes me the happiest is that out of the, what, maybe 200 words here; you were able to find at least one point of connection where you liked it.
thank you, and i'll be looking for the next piece you post.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#21
Phew, I thought you were angry with me for a second there (unless you're being sarcastic?)
That's the glorious way you write: you allow me to do whatever I want with it. I'm free. Woot!
#22
thank you all so very much for reading.
i really, really, did not expect the amount of good replies that this got.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#23
Nothing constructive; this is fantastic
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja