#1
I don't know.


I step outside for a second...
Won't need a coat,
just a light jacket.
It's been two weeks,
I can't wait to see her.
Step back in, stop
to take a quick look
in the mirror;
nothing too fancy,
(I don't want to seem desperate)
a red T over blue jeans,
her favorite pair because
she likes the way
they hug me.
I comb my hair,
brush my teeth,
feed the cat, now
it's time to leave.

She asked me to
meet her at the park.
The one downtown where
people always go to
walk their dogs.
During the 10 minute hike,
my excitement is peeked.
Almost there, almost...
there she is. I spot her
on a bench as soon as I
turn the corner,
other than her the
park is empty.

I jog over and take a seat.
She doesn't even look at me,
just drops an envelope
on my lap, with the word
"sorry" written in red ink.
I open it up to find
only one thing,
an engagement ring,
the one from me.

I can't think of a reason.
I close my eyes
long enough
to notice I've
stopped breathing.
I open my eyes, open my mouth
and turn to her to say...
nothing, she's already
up and on her way.

I realize just how empty
the park really is.
The quiet emphasizing
the subtle snap and crackle
of autumn's failing patience,
and with each step heard
I wonder under which leaf
she's hidden my backbone
and dignity.
#3
I like this...although the only reason i say that is cause im trying to get with this chick named stephanie.
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What a talented person.
#5
#1 synth summed it up perfectly. I felt it took a little bit to get off the ground, but thats my only complaint for now. I'll probably come back
#7
+1 to kdownes, entirely.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
I really really liked this. As the others have said, there's not much to crit on this. I really enjoy the story-line feel of it. Well not just the story-line feel, but the fact that it actually has meaning behind the story. I know this wasn't much of a crit, but I could really use some help on my latest if you've got the time? it's in the sig. Great job.
#9
Thanks everyone.

kdownes and Katherine... are you suggesting I should make some changes to the beginning? It was more or less intentionally written with a slower start, but if you have any ideas then I'm open to hear them.

Thanks again.
#10
I don't know how you'd change it, but the slow start didn't seem to quite go with how he was wanting to see her.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
I step outside for a second...
Won't need a coat,
just a light jacket.
It's been two weeks,
I can't wait to see her.
Step back in, stop
to take a quick look
in the mirror;
nothing too fancy,
(I don't want to seem desperate)
a red T over blue jeans,
her favorite pair because
she likes the way
they hug me.
I comb my hair,
brush my teeth,
feed the cat, now
it's time to leave.

I wasn't a fan of the parenthesis here, I felt you've established the way this piece is constructed in the first 2 lines, and so they undermine what you were aiming for. I can't help but feel that with such a classical style you're not making the most of certain techniques one can employ as a writer, sure you're saying it clear and without over elaborate technique but there's nothing here, for me at least get my teeth into. I did like the one and only reference to 'her' making the decisions in the relationship, "her favourite pair" something which becomes pivotal later on, but you never employ again, so I'd really like to see at least in the early lines something we can connect with later on.

She asked me to
meet her at the park.
The one downtown where
people always go to
walk their dogs.
During the 10 minute hike,
my excitement is peeked.
Almost there, almost...
there she is. I spot her
on a bench as soon as I
turn the corner,
other than her the
park is empty.

Another thing I found with this piece is the amount of lines that while build the story, the character and to some extent the tone, they remain nothing more than basic fillers, without them the piece wouldn't drag as some have said, but only a strict culling of some lines on your part can change that, if you so wish. I didn't like how your excitment peeked before you even saw her, as though it was downhill from there?

I jog over and take a seat.
She doesn't even look at me,
just drops an envelope
on my lap, with the word
"sorry" written in red ink.
I open it up to find
only one thing,
an engagement ring,
the one from me.

Much tighter, everything that needs to be said is pretty much. I don't think 'the one' in the last line is needed, it'd be more of a punch to the reader shortened, that and it is implied as far as I can see it's your ring. Nothing more here.

I can't think of a reason.
I close my eyes
long enough
to notice I've
stopped breathing.
I open my eyes, open my mouth
and turn to her to say...
nothing, she's already
up and on her way.

I think if you included the first line in the sentence this would work slightly better, open L2 with so and end it with a comma. Didn't like the stopped breathing, I see what you were going for but it falls more into the generic emo category than honest writing, sadly. Loved 'up and on her way' as if she has better things to be doing.

I realize just how empty
the park really is.
The quiet emphasizing
the subtle snap and crackle
of autumn's failing patience,
and with each step heard
I wonder under which leaf
she's hidden my backbone
and dignity.

Snap and crackle? I wasn't a fan, nor was I of beginning 3 lines with 'the' but I can't see an immediate fix for that. I had to pause here, for I fear the ending is slightly forced to suit the season, but hey that's the license we're given as writers. Other than the first lines there's little reference to the season so it seems a redundant fact so late in the piece.

So I've focused on the negatives from my point of view, but in fact I did enjoy this read, it's snappy and clean, the style is different and I will remember parts of this after this critique, but there's many things I felt you could have achieved within this piece you missed.


peACE
as always.
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#12
^Steve, you're beautiful man. Thanks a bunch.


Thanks everyone. Glad you enjoyed, and if you didn't then thanks for reading at least.
#13
congrats man.
i was hoping this would get wotw.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#14
This is just lovely. Simple and lovely.
Quote by Arthur Curry
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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#16
<333
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#17
This is amazing. Well deserved
Drop another coin in the slot, and I will tell you more...
#19
Didn't like any of the last lines in each stanza,
didn't like the use of 'emphasising'.
congratulations.
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#20
Change nothing. Changes change a piece. It will not be the same when it's changed. I don't want that.
#21
I dated a girl with that name (spelled different) I only got to see her every two weeks when she went to her moms cuz her dad's a crazy bastard who I hate more then I thought possible to hate anything or anyone. I could relate to this.
#24
It's poetry.

Please read the rules of the forum and you'll understand better how this forum works.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.