#1
im mentally unstable/ un-equiped/ like mike tyson/ i might flip/ bite ur ear off/ n dats it/ klashnekoff/ n fire it/ dats sick/ o shit/ pick up da bitch/ ditch her ina skip/ off to da tip/ not even a six-foot pit/ no more payin her visits/ no more dick 4 her clit/ no more gifts/ wrist watches/ gold lockets/or cruise ships/ jus a bruised lip/ and a cracked rib/ emptied out gun clip/ and a hip full of bullets/ o shit/n dats it/ im a violation of violence/ im tired of this/ tired of livin/ seriously considerin givin in/ buyin shit/ n dyin with it/ heroin/ crack cocaine/ wotever i can get/
#5
not bad..


edit: My pseudo-compliment exceeds even my capacity for sarcasm.
Quote by brandonian
you nose started bleeding, so the first thing you do is post it on UG? i don't understand the reasoning behind that one my friend



Quote by unplugtheradio
screw grammar i practice economic typing.
#7
Sounded like a rap. A short, shitty rap.

Figure out what you want to write about. You completely changed the subject at least twice.
#9
ok, ok. I'll give you a real crit.
Quote by 12eTa1217e17
im mentally unstable/ un-equiped/ like mike tyson/ i might flip/ bite ur ear off/ n dats it/ klashnekoff/ n fire it/ dats sick/ o shit/ pick up da bitch/ ditch her ina skip/ off to da tip/ not even a six-foot pit/ no more payin her visits/ no more dick 4 her clit/ no more gifts/ wrist watches/ gold lockets/or cruise ships/ jus a bruised lip/ and a cracked rib/ emptied out gun clip/ and a hip full of bullets/ o shit/n dats it/ im a violation of violence/ im tired of this/ tired of livin/ seriously considerin givin in/ buyin shit/ n dyin with it/ heroin/ crack cocaine/ wotever i can get/

The lines in red don't make any sense. You emptied out your gun clip? Why do you still have bullets on your hip? Or did you shoot her in the hip? No more gifts like wrist watches, gold lockets, and... cruise ships? You bought her an actual cruise ship? Also, who buys lockets these days?? You're a violation of violence? So... you're peace? No more dick for her clit? What? If your dick was for her clit in the first place, you were doing it wrong. I could go on, but I won't.

The awful spelling makes it all difficult to read.

The rhymes were simplistic and childish. Very Limp Bizkit.

This was bad. Really bad.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#10
sounds more like a free chatroom than a song IMO
Mah Geah:
The Dreaded T-Bird
Ampeg BA115
Boss Bass Synth
Boss Bass Overdrive
Blue Steel Strings
Clayton Picks
Monster Cables

Coheed and Cambria: Rush, Iron Maiden, and Star Wars had a baby.
#12
man, you just got owned. but seriously, grow up. Write something decent and serious, then come back and we'll crit you properly. Till then, peace out bro!
#14
I don't know why you guys are hating this so much. really. you all sound like pricks. grow up and stop spamming. Russian, your post was especially uncalled for. The only post of worth here is bigfatsandwhiches' who actually took the time to add something. His suggestions could help, the only thing the rest of your suggestions could do was hurt. Is this the way we support fellow writers these days? sorry, i guess i was out of the goddamn loop.
#15
I agree, Synth.

As for the song:

You use the same rhyme way too much, and it goes dry real quick. I saw some times where you did the morpho-rhyme (where you change it slightly over time), but it kept coming back to home base. It's unadventurous.

Just thought I'd try and give you an honest crit. That's all I can really think of. As a side note, it's usually easier if you break the lines off from each other (with the enter button) rather than using slashes. It makes it harder to read and get a real good image when you smush it all together like that.
As far as the spelling, you have artistic freedom to do that, but I don't think it did you much good.