#1
An apocalyptic sunrise will come at the dawn
The end of a people, their rise was their fall
A greatest achievement, the method of doom
The stockpiled bomb shelters became their own tombs

Yet this day is not here, we still have some time
Don't abandon your hope, just use your time wise
When will it hurt, these blows to your pride?
We will be committing our own genocide.

Tomorrow will come but the sands running thin
Where is your God, tell me where has he been?



This was my first writing since I got back into it. Wrote it way back in December or January of last year.

I'll C4C.
#2
An apocalyptic sunrise will come at the dawn
The end of a people, their rise was their fall
A people doesn't make any sense, maybe the end of all people or our people???
A greatest achievement, the method of doom
The stockpiled bomb shelters became their own tombs
I love this line

Yet this day is not here, we still have some time
This day cant not be here, maybe that day?
Don't abandon your hope, just use your time wise
Use your time wise also makes no sense
When will it hurt, these blows to your pride?
We will be committing our own genocide.

Tomorrow will come but the sands running thin
Where is your God, tell me where has he been?


Otherwise, I think that there is a good message in this piece.
Keep it up!
#3
An apocalyptic sunrise will come at the dawn
The end of a people, their rise was their fall <<I know lucky fish said he didn't like the a people part but i enjoyed it. It reminds me of how I would write.

A greatest achievement, the method of doom
The stockpiled bomb shelters became their own tombs <<This was very nice. It just seemed very clever to me, this was probably one of my favorite parts.

Yet this day is not here, we still have some time <<This is my least favorite line of the whole piece. It's just not as creatively written as the rest..

Don't abandon your hope, just use your time wise
When will it hurt, these blows to your pride?
We will be committing our own genocide.

Tomorrow will come but the sands running thin
Where is your God, tell me where has he been?

I really enjoyed this piece. The last line was a great ending. It was short, but portrayed nicely, I don't know if you were planning on it, but adding on to it would not be a good idea haha. Thanks for your crit.