Page 1 of 2
#1
Hey, I've been lurking at this board for a year or two, never really posting though but you folks give good advice and I don't know who else to turn to for this. This is going to sound really off-the-wall, but I swear, this is 100% truth (and this is the condensed version of events). I'm willing to act alone on whatever advice you can give me; I just need help.

I'm going to start here; I'm dating a vampire. Not one of these little gothic "I cut myself and drink the blood vampires", but an actual vampire; or she might be schizophrenic. I'm banking on her being schizo, but she's shown me what she claims to be proof. To explain all that, I'm going to start with the back story.

I met her a few weeks ago, I stopped by this place I worked at last year while on a late-night run to get coffee. I dropped in to see what was going on, since I still have friends that work there and hang around; I recognized her as the girlfriend of a friend. Long story short, we were attracted to each other and we started dating a couple of days later.

As things went on I began to suspect she was a government agent. I've been watched on and off for the last year or two by what I suspect is a government anti-terrorism taskforce; I won't go into details there. I know I'm being watched though, and that my social security number is blacklisted; again no details. So I figured she was involved due to her constantly updating people as to our whereabouts. She wouldn't say who, but she was to somebody, that much I know.

This went on till Thursday, when she revealed to me that she is a vampire. In this body she's around 18 years old; but she’s actually several billion years old, and has lived 270 some past lives, all of which she vividly remembers. She's dated both Satan and God and still talks to them on a regular basis via telepathy; she also talks to other "vamps" telepathically as well.

So the next day she invited me over to see her at her place; she told me more about the vampire thing; gave me the physical descriptions of the current-God (there’s been more than one, its passed down from father to son like royalty), and of her ex, Lucifer (Satan of course). Then, she told me she wanted to turn me into a vampire because on the day of the apocalypse she gets to choose between her vampire-husband (I'm the candidate there), God, and Satan; to what end I don't know.

Now, all that afternoon she kept getting messages from Satan, who's been stalking her for the past billion years trying to get her back; and from her vampire buddy Lestat. She'd sit with her head cupped in her hands for a few seconds before muttering about them talking to her. (You can see why I think she's schizo.) On the other hand, I’ve heard an unfamiliar male voice over the phone these past few days, which she claims is Lestat.

Then as the conversation went on she started showing me proof of all this... The bite marks Satan left on her the last time he fed upon her, he's a vampire. It actually did appear to be bite marks under the bandage on her neck. She's got other bite marks on her elsewhere as well; both from her feeding on herself and being fed on by others. Then she took me into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror for a few seconds before collapsing in front of the sink. That was apparently to disprove the "vampires don't have reflections myth"; they do, but mirrors burn them somehow.

According to her, its fairly difficult to kill a vampire... Crosses and garlic don't work, her place has crosses all over it and she's eaten garlic in front of me. Stakes though the heart don't work either, we didn't test that out, but she assured me that they don't; claiming that Lestat has had a few through him at one time or another.

Then she tried to bite me... Just to the left of my left nipple, right over my heart. We'd taken each others shirts off and were messing around a bit, and she tried to bite me. Not playfully either, going for blood; and to start the process of killing me to turn me into a vampire.

I haven't seen her since Friday, but she's called me and texted me constantly; occasionally remarking that she wants to kill me or other people. Once she said she wanted to cut my throat and drink my blood. Normally I ain't so easily freaked out, but this is getting a little concerning; especially since she's in the process of transformation. The canines in the top row of her teeth are much bigger than they should be; and I might be fooled but I believe the ones on the bottom are getting bigger as well. This is partially where the killing people thing comes into play, she says she's been feeding more lately than she has been before; and she might need to start hunting 'humans' for fresher blood.

Now I've dabbled in the Occult just enough to realize that the a vampire completing her transformation on Halloween would be a very, very bad thing. So I need to act sooner rather than later on this... I don't you don't usually get questions like this, but some of you might be able to offer some advice.

The only things I can think of to do would be... A.) Report her to the police without giving them good reason to move in on me; things are getting desperate enough for me right now, without the government coming in. B.) Incapacitate her somehow; the only two methods that come to mind are fire and holy water, and I don't know where to get holy water without dealing with a priest. I don't think silver bullets would do the job, but I'm not opposed to giving it a shot, if you can dig what I mean.

So any suggestions, advice?

(And please don't try to trace this back to my I.P. address. I'm posting this at a public library a couple of hours away from my house, and through a proxy server.)
UG Irish Clan-Póg mo thóin


Thanks man.
#2
Quote by the irish rover
Then she tried to bite me... Just to the left of my left nipple, right over my heart. We'd taken each others shirts off and were messing around a bit, and she tried to bite me. Not playfully either, going for blood; and to start the process of killing me to turn me into a vampire.

Sounds hawt.

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#4
.... holy effing eff
Kerry King Of the Australia FTW! Club. PM Alter-Bridge or The_Random_Hero to join. Australians only

Quote by dehollister

and im 14 got any problems ill f*ckin drop you.


HE'LL DO IT

Quote by Kensai
Spooni_Shaq is the best UGer ever, period
#9
Quote by the irish rover
Hey, I've been lurking at this board for a year or two, never really posting though but you folks give good advice and I don't know who else to turn to for this. This is going to sound really off-the-wall, but I swear, this is 100% truth (and this is the condensed version of events). I'm willing to act alone on whatever advice you can give me; I just need help.

*blah*

Could've fooled me.

Any pics?

<_<
>_>
#10
Check....


down there for bite marks, thats when you know shes been messing around.


btw best story Ive seen today. You sir have my lols.
#13
Quote by the irish rover
Hey, I've been lurking at this board for a year or two, never really posting though but you folks give good advice and I don't know who else to turn to for this. This is going to sound really off-the-wall, but I swear, this is 100% truth (and this is the condensed version of events). I'm willing to act alone on whatever advice you can give me; I just need help.

I'm going to start here; I'm dating a vampire. Not one of these little gothic "I cut myself and drink the blood vampires", but an actual vampire; or she might be schizophrenic. I'm banking on her being schizo, but she's shown me what she claims to be proof. To explain all that, I'm going to start with the back story.

I met her a few weeks ago, I stopped by this place I worked at last year while on a late-night run to get coffee. I dropped in to see what was going on, since I still have friends that work there and hang around; I recognized her as the girlfriend of a friend. Long story short, we were attracted to each other and we started dating a couple of days later.

As things went on I began to suspect she was a government agent. I've been watched on and off for the last year or two by what I suspect is a government anti-terrorism taskforce; I won't go into details there. I know I'm being watched though, and that my social security number is blacklisted; again no details. So I figured she was involved due to her constantly updating people as to our whereabouts. She wouldn't say who, but she was to somebody, that much I know.

This went on till Thursday, when she revealed to me that she is a vampire. In this body she's around 18 years old; but she’s actually several billion years old, and has lived 270 some past lives, all of which she vividly remembers. She's dated both Satan and God and still talks to them on a regular basis via telepathy; she also talks to other "vamps" telepathically as well.

So the next day she invited me over to see her at her place; she told me more about the vampire thing; gave me the physical descriptions of the current-God (there’s been more than one, its passed down from father to son like royalty), and of her ex, Lucifer (Satan of course). Then, she told me she wanted to turn me into a vampire because on the day of the apocalypse she gets to choose between her vampire-husband (I'm the candidate there), God, and Satan; to what end I don't know.

Now, all that afternoon she kept getting messages from Satan, who's been stalking her for the past billion years trying to get her back; and from her vampire buddy Lestat. She'd sit with her head cupped in her hands for a few seconds before muttering about them talking to her. (You can see why I think she's schizo.) On the other hand, I’ve heard an unfamiliar male voice over the phone these past few days, which she claims is Lestat.

Then as the conversation went on she started showing me proof of all this... The bite marks Satan left on her the last time he fed upon her, he's a vampire. It actually did appear to be bite marks under the bandage on her neck. She's got other bite marks on her elsewhere as well; both from her feeding on herself and being fed on by others. Then she took me into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror for a few seconds before collapsing in front of the sink. That was apparently to disprove the "vampires don't have reflections myth"; they do, but mirrors burn them somehow.

According to her, its fairly difficult to kill a vampire... Crosses and garlic don't work, her place has crosses all over it and she's eaten garlic in front of me. Stakes though the heart don't work either, we didn't test that out, but she assured me that they don't; claiming that Lestat has had a few through him at one time or another.

Then she tried to bite me... Just to the left of my left nipple, right over my heart. We'd taken each others shirts off and were messing around a bit, and she tried to bite me. Not playfully either, going for blood; and to start the process of killing me to turn me into a vampire.

I haven't seen her since Friday, but she's called me and texted me constantly; occasionally remarking that she wants to kill me or other people. Once she said she wanted to cut my throat and drink my blood. Normally I ain't so easily freaked out, but this is getting a little concerning; especially since she's in the process of transformation. The canines in the top row of her teeth are much bigger than they should be; and I might be fooled but I believe the ones on the bottom are getting bigger as well. This is partially where the killing people thing comes into play, she says she's been feeding more lately than she has been before; and she might need to start hunting 'humans' for fresher blood.

Now I've dabbled in the Occult just enough to realize that the a vampire completing her transformation on Halloween would be a very, very bad thing. So I need to act sooner rather than later on this... I don't you don't usually get questions like this, but some of you might be able to offer some advice.

The only things I can think of to do would be... A.) Report her to the police without giving them good reason to move in on me; things are getting desperate enough for me right now, without the government coming in. B.) Incapacitate her somehow; the only two methods that come to mind are fire and holy water, and I don't know where to get holy water without dealing with a priest. I don't think silver bullets would do the job, but I'm not opposed to giving it a shot, if you can dig what I mean.

So any suggestions, advice?

(And please don't try to trace this back to my I.P. address. I'm posting this at a public library a couple of hours away from my house, and through a proxy server.)


#14
Before I give any advice, I need to know what you eat, drink, are you alcolic, do you think any drugs or medecine, powder, stings, weed, brownies, chocolate...
#15
Quote by terrencemaddox



Give me a pm if interested qt

But regardless this situation will not resolve itself if not acted upon, it's easy to laugh at my situation from an outsiders point of view but i myself am scared shitless. Any response as to what im supposed may help to change this current lethal situation.

Thanks in advance.
UG Irish Clan-Póg mo thóin


Thanks man.
Last edited by the irish rover at Oct 24, 2008,
#21
hahahahahaha. wow man. wow.
i would go for the holy water, or tricking her into going into a room full of mirrors.
if push comes to shove, try the silver bullet.
or maybe she was bluffing on the stake through the heart thing?
you could also read the book I Am Legend.
DONT JUST WATCH THE MOVIE.
the book actually talks about vampires.
THEN make your decision.
( oh and btw ug-ers, i'm just humoring him.)
Quote by Pyrofretnic
Remember kids, solid state half stack=penis extension.


Quote by PatchworkMan
I have no idea when the world is going to end, and anyone who says he does is a cook.

Quote by smb
Those chefs can't be trusted.


"We're like...'Riding a dragon over fields of lava' epic!"
#22
i suspect this is complete bs.

If not, hoooooly shit.
We walked into the night

Am I to bid you farewell?


Why can't you see that I try
When every tear I shed


Is for you?
#23
cum blood in her mouth.

to kill her you need to behead her. i know my paranormal shit.
blahblahblahblahblahblah did you enjoy this?
#25
Quote by terrencemaddox
*link*


MANY LOLZ!! God this thred is epic.
~don't finkdinkle when ur supposed to be dimpdickin~
#26
Last.Fm

“If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life.”
― Terry Pratchett

qft...



Jeremy Clarkson is a knob.
#27
Quote by daytripper75
that's why you think he is full of BS?


not just for the fact that the story is absolutely ridiculous?




Ive seen things in The Pit that are more ridiculous that have actually happened. Because of this site I'll believe anything until I can prove it wrong....... Its not a good thing.
ಠ_ಠ
#28
I've read some good stuff on the internet but this...wow...

What a complete ****ing moron.

Can you believe people like this make it out of the womb and into society?

You, sir, are the perfect poster child for the selective breeding argument.
#29
Well vampires are real, but they are not what you think they are.

It's a disease : pale skin, disformation of jaw (vampire teeth and all), need for iron (blood contains iron ,mathan and etc), red eyes sometimes because of the absence of color pixelation or something like that , I can't remember everything exactly since I got all these information like last year.

So I would say she's crazy dude, or if it's real[about satan thingies and all], and I'm beeing really serious there and I'm not saying this as a meme :

IT'S A GODDAM TRAP DUDE!!!!!!
#30
Good read. My advice: Its a crock of shit. I don't know if you're just trolling, looking for attention, but if you legitimately believe this, I think you're the one who needs help....Well, she still does too, but you know what I mean.


You could stick around for the kinky sex though
#32
She's a woman. They're all blood suckers.

Edit: Interesting to note that people have been around for several billion years, though. Someone get the girl to the creationism vs. evolution thread. I think we finally have proof that the world isn't twelve thousand years old.
Quote by vintage x metal
I love you =] I can't say I was very fond of you when we first started talking because you trolled the hell out of my threads, but after talking to you here I've grown very attached to you.

Yeah, write to my fanclub about it, honey.
Last edited by Jack Off Jill at Oct 24, 2008,
#35
this guys is obviously looking for attention

a very pathetic attempt i might add

lay off the peyote buddy

Epi Les Paul Std w/Duncans
ESP LTD EX260
Cry Baby From Hell
Marshall JH-1
EHX Metal Muff
MXR EVH Phase 90
Carl Martin Classic Chorus
EHX #1 Echo
Ibanez LU-20
Dunlop DCB-10
Crate V50112
Tascam US144


PEDALBOARD JUNKIES
#36
Quote by daytripper75
that's why you think he is full of BS?


not just for the fact that the story is absolutely ridiculous?


Bahaha X-TREME SLEUTHING
#37
Okay, Okay. We've had our fun feeding the troll. Let's go back to reading worthwhile threads, guys. *goes to read "carrot skinned" thread*
~don't finkdinkle when ur supposed to be dimpdickin~
#39
Quote by Twist of fate
Dude...DO NOT let her give you head.
It's not worth it man.
I met a vampire down in South Caroline. Nipped my dick right off.

Pic of my crotch

I've gotta be honest, I'd probably munch on that, too.
Quote by vintage x metal
I love you =] I can't say I was very fond of you when we first started talking because you trolled the hell out of my threads, but after talking to you here I've grown very attached to you.

Yeah, write to my fanclub about it, honey.
Page 1 of 2