#1
you can hear a pretty sketchy demo of it here

You'd say something,
but take it back and let it go.
All you words lead to nothing

But you ain't so tall,
when you stop from your pedestal.
All your words lead to nothing

Am I expendable?

But what did you expect?
with your head so high.
All you can see,
is a view of the sky.

Well do you think this satisfies?
with a smile and a glint in your eye.
All your words lead to nothing.

Am I expendable?
That was a rare post..

My band on:myspace facebook UG
Leeds '07 '08 '09!
I don't know the answer, or have anything funny to say, but dude that is one sweet Bulbasaur avatar
#2
Quote by Pink_blood
you can hear a pretty sketchy demo of it here

You'd say something,
but take it back and let it go.
All you words lead to nothing
I know what you're going for, but this doesn't quite do it. For one, seperating it into its own little stanza singlurizes it (if that's a word), and makes it less integral to the song. When it's standing by itself, it comes across as very cliche. Also,, the second line, which does most of the describing, isn't very direct, and doesn't create an interesting enough character. "Take it back" implies that he knew that he was wrong. Give us something a little more hypocritical. We want to create a bad guy, right?

But you ain't so tall,
when you stop from your pedestal.
All your words lead to nothing
I didn't like the repitition. It's so seperated from the rest of this verse that it makes it look insignificant. Also, the "pedestal" image is a tad bit cliche. It's fine to have a cliche image or two, but make sure you don't overload the reader with them. You'r cutting it dangerously close, my friend.

Am I expendable?
This made me rethink everything. All of a sudden, more holes open up, and the character of the song changes. I wish that you followed that, delve into YOUR character more.

But what did you expect?
with your head so high.
All you can see,
is a view of the sky.
The rhyme, in my opinion, is too constricting. Also, the last line isn't direct enough to score points, and is cliche as well. Cut it, think of something else.

Well do you think this satisfies?
with a smile and a glint in your eye.
All your words lead to nothing.
The repitition DOES work here, and its far enough from the first occasion to not be overpowering. The second line, I just don't see any reason for it. It doesn't feel like it contributes.

Am I expendable?


I'd like to see you dive more into your character. The question in the middle is raising self-doubt, and the character needs to explore that... at least a little bit.
#3
^^
The "am I expendable?" line is supposed to raise the question of weather the other character really cares at all, not because my character is doubting himself but because the other character is acting in that way. Kind of a rhetorical question.

Thanks, that was really helpful!
That was a rare post..

My band on:myspace facebook UG
Leeds '07 '08 '09!
I don't know the answer, or have anything funny to say, but dude that is one sweet Bulbasaur avatar