#1
If I were a machine...

snow, its too early for snow.
I'm not ready for the freezing weather,
winter coats and scarves,
all on sale

If I were a machine..

I scrape off the ice that has coated my windshield,
fingers numb and freezing,
curse the season, curse the heavens
curse my television.

"Eighteen degrees at the busstop in the morning!"


I switch the station to the only one that makes sense,
soft static and quiet snow,
prepare myself with mechanical dreaming,
detach myself from the winter season.


--
c4c
Last edited by inthegreyx at Oct 26, 2008,
#2
what the **** is that??????
Concerts I've Seen/Going To:
Three Days Grace/Sick Puppies 9.25.08
Marilyn Manson/Slayer/Killswitch/B4MV 7.29.08

Guitars:
J.B. Player Sledgehammer
Trinity River

Amps:
Stone

Pedals:
Digitech Death Metal
#4
that just sucked

cause its like a grade school poem written just cause it was the assignment
Iceman w/ emgs
fender fmdsp65
Boss MetalZone
Fender Cybertwin
Epi LP plus top
Zoom gfx4
Death metal (sounds amazing through bass amp)
ibanez weeping demon
Last edited by donwuzhere69 at Oct 24, 2008,
#6
haha thankss. I love how people are telling me they hate it .. and not saying why? thats so strange..
#7
well if you'll look at both their profiles, I think you'll see both of them seem quite immature anyway haha.
never mind them, it's very well written, and pretty different aswell.
#8
haha, yeah. can't blame children for their igorance though, you know? poor kids... hope they arent like that their whole lives.
but thank you, again.
#9
If I were a machine...

snow, its too early for snow.
I'm not ready for the freezing weather,
winter coats and scarves,
all on sale

"Buy two get one free!"
every commercial screams.

I know rational thought probably isn't best applied to this piece, but well, i don't really like the image of coats and scarves being advertised ever on television - so i guess these lines are lost on me.


If I were a machine..

I scrape off the ice that has coated my windshield,
fingers numb and freezing,
curse the season, curse the heavens
curse my television.

"Eighteen degrees at the busstop in the morning!"

I like the simplicity in description, sometimes searching for that "Bigger" word can ruin a piece.


I switch the station to the only one that makes sense,
soft static and quiet snow,
prepare myself with mechanical dreaming,
detach myself from the winter season.

Nice line to finish on, and maybe its because my windows open, but i actually felt cold reading it :p

overall though, i don't particularly like it - its not bad, and i'm not going to judge it by its simplicity, i just don't fully understand it i guess.

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And Like That. He was Gone.

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#11
If I were a machine...

snow, its too early for snow.
I'm not ready for the freezing weather,
winter coats and scarves,
all on sale


i really enjoyed the first two lines of this. I was expecting something different from the next two, not sure what just not the direction you went. I think that this bit is good in it's ideas but is slightly week. there just doesnt seem to be anything powerful about it.


"Buy two get one free!"
every commercial screams.


I'm not a fan of this at all. Touching on consumerism and needing so many useless items is a good thought but this part just seems slightly blunt and forced.

If I were a machine..


I really really like the idea "if i were a machine" that is an excellent line and is very powerful


I scrape off the ice that has coated my windshield,
fingers numb and freezing,
curse the season, curse the heavens
curse my television.


This is my least favorite part of the piece. It seems to lack any real emotion and comes off as being slightly bland. Putting in the last part about cursing your television ties the piece together a bit though.


"Eighteen degrees at the busstop in the morning!"

This works good to keep up the format of the writing. but i think it would be a lot better if you used some repetition and used the, "if i were a machine" line again

I switch the station to the only one that makes sense,
soft static and quiet snow,
prepare myself with mechanical dreaming,
detach myself from the winter season.


This last bit works nicely. The idea of being separated from nature and the seasons by the media is a very good. Comparing the static to the snow gives some nice imagery as well.

Overall i did not mind this piece of writing. I think with some work and revision it could be a very solid piece of work.

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https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=985023
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Broke his good arm and made him eat his own hair
The End.